Thoughts while watching the Emmys. If I can read my chicken scratchings.

An interesting place to start, if somewhat lifted from the "How I got my SAG card" stories that they tell at the SAG awards, actors talking about their Emmy moments. John Travolta on accepting for the late Diana Hyland, Candice Bergen re Dan Quayle, Charles S. Dutton on winning a talent competition in prison, and Billy Crystal on...how cool it is to win an Emmy. Too bad he wasn't in prison, they had to end it with a prop joke to make his story interesting.

Is this Earth, Wind and Fire? They weren't introduced, and they look a good deal too young. Perhaps they are an Earth, Wind and Fire Beatlemania-type tribute group. Dirt, Air and Sparks? Anyway, they are singing a song about the past TV season to the tune of...an Earth, Wind and Fire song. The one that goes "Bah dee ah dee ah", Possibly that is not the title. O, wait, I think it's called "Remember".

I wonder if Ellen Degeneres will come boogying out like it's her show? I am under the impression that she is no longer able to just walk onto a stage anymore, the boogying is unstoppable, like The Red Shoes. The Red Nikes?

Now The Black-Eyed Peas are on rapping about the past TV season. Mud, Chinook and Flames weren't enough? "Hey, y'all remember that, I know y'all remember that." Deathless lyrics, too be certain. Frankly, "Bah dee ah dee ah" sounds more intelligent. Now a Pea is dancing with Doris Roberts. And we're only six minutes into the show! What can possibly be more peculiar than this moment? Perhaps Doris will take off her bra and swing it over her head, who knows?

And Ellen walks onto the stage. Okay, that was officially weirder than Doris Roberts dancing with the Pea, Ellen walking like a person!

Aha, that really was Earth, Wind and Fire, they finally mentioned it. Plus, they showed a couple of close-ups and they looked to be in their early 100s. They are holding up nicely vocally and in the long shots!

Ellen mentions Hurricane Katrina, showing that they are wearing magnolias to show that they are thinking about the tragedy on the Gulf Coast. I think that's very moving. The last time she hosted was right after 9/11. I'm thinking that she's some sort of bad luck.

They just showed a shot of Hugh Jackman! In his Wolverine whiskers! Frankly, I can go to bed, nothing better will happen for the next three hours.

Ellen says, "I keep hearing myself saying words like 'winning' and 'losing' and 'awards' as if that's what tonight is about. Like somehow winning an awards will validate you. If you don't win tonight, it doesn't mean you're not a good person. It just means you're not a good actor."

"Let's face it, everyone wants to win, this is show business, but tonight let's try something. Let's try to put aside our ego, our envy, our jealousy, our judgment...what am I saying, that's what got us here!" Followed by a close-up of William Shatner looking smug as a ground hog. Looks like someone in the booth's a deft hand with the slightly sarcastic reaction shots tonight!

Here comes the Housewives! This way we can see all of their dresses, even though only one can win in their category. Except for Eva Longoria, not nominated. Hee hee hee, Teri Hatcher and Eva just had some very Awkward Awards Show Banter™, that fell so flat that Felicity Huffman said "Clunk!" Looks dumb my typing it, but it was very funny and charming.

Supporting Actor in a Comedy. Go Jeffrey Tambor! Or at least Peter Boyle! I couldn't care less about the show, but it's ridiculous that everyone on the show has a brace of Emmys but for Young Frankenstein's Creature. Brad Garrett wins. Brad Garrett has three Emmys? Why? That's just crazy talk.

Kyra Sedgwick and Kiefer Sutherland presenting Supporting Actor in a Drama. I guess they were paired because their names match. As do their cascading blonde locks.

Go Terry O'Quinn! One of the best and most under-rated actors ever to have lived, and if you don't believe me, just watch The Stepfather. Nope, William Shatner wins for Boston Public. Didn't he win last year? I'm honestly getting to be a teeny bit over Denny Crane. A shot of Alan Alda tearing up his speech.

Apparently, they are doing some sort of horrible thing called Emmy Idol. Performers are going to sing TV theme songs and we vote for the best. And by "we" I mean you, since I TiVoed this show and it's been over for two hours. I'm assuming that the show isn't long enough. Dear God, it's beginning with Donald Trump and "Karen Walker from Will and Grace", Megan Mullally doing this undercover. Good, she should be embarrassed. There is an extremely good reason why Donald Trump is best known as a businessman rather than a singer. Though his incredibly high embarrassment factor evident in his being out there with a straight face and a pitchfork "singing" at the top of his lungs (though not necessarily on top of the notes) is somewhat winning. Less horrible than I imagined it would be when Ellen announced it.

Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen are presenting Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program, one of those Krazy Kategories where just about anybody doing anything can be up against anybody else doing something entirely different. I'm assuming Trump will be nominated next year for the preceding performance. Hugh Jackman is nominated for hosting the Tonys. Which explains why he is there with his Wolverine whiskers. And he wins! Makes sense, he should always win everything all the time.

Blue Man Group is presenting Best Reality Competition Program with a sort of combination Bill Irwin half life half TV thing crossed with John Somebody (repeated phrases turned into music), Max Headroom, dance, percussion thing. Is there really a Blue Man Group at this point? Isn't it just three random guys? This was the category in which Mom and I couldn't pick a single nominee. Amazing Race wins and thousands of people pour onto the stage as though they just got off a train. I guess that's why they're in such a big theatre, the group from Amazing Race took up most of the seats.

Hugh Laurie and Zach Braff are presenting Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. Hugh spoke in his natural British accent, and then Zach said "I didn't know we were doing accents!" and follows up with the worst accent since Dick Van Dyke, very cute. The men got little clips from scenes shown, both for Supporting Drama and Comedy, but the women are lucky to get their names read, I guess. Thank goodness they left time for Trump to sing. Wouldn't want to miss that.

Blythe Danner wins for Huff. She blew it, she was supposed to say "I knew it!" like Ellen said she should in her monologue, since she is nominated three times. Honestly, what a missed opportunity.

Someone explain to me how they can show clips of upcoming Emmy Asshole, sorry, Emmy Idol performances if the show is done live? Are the songs pre-taped? Ah, no, they probably taped the rehearsals.

Ellen is doing a bit with the guy who is supposed to be keeping the show on time. We're 4 minutes 11 seconds over now, so she does a bad ventriloquism act. Pretty funny, actually.

Jason Lee and Debra Messing are giving Best Supporting Actor in a Mini-Series or Movie. Paul Newman wins for Empire Falls. He's not there to accept, that ought to catch up those 4 minutes and 11 seconds.

Lauren Graham and Jennifer Love Hewitt are giving Best Supporting Actress in a Mini-Series or Movie. Now, if Joanne Woodward wins for Empire Falls, that not only will catch up more time, since she's home with Paul, but it will probably be some sort of record for a husband and wife to win within five minutes of each other. Nope, it's Jane Alexander for Warm Springs. I have no objections, I love Jane Alexander, ever since Eleanor and Franklin. God, she looks startlingly lovely with white hair.

Now, Alyson Hannigan and Neil Patrick Harris are introducing Kristen Bell singing the them song to Fame. Quite a nice voice. Amazing belly. BIG WASTE OF TIME.

Rachel Bilson and Chris O'Donnell are announcing the nominees for Best Guest Actor and Actress in a Comedy Series. Four of the actors and one of the actresses were on Will and Grace, the show rendered most unwatchable by guest stars than any other show in the history of television. The winners are the least famous in both categories, which is nice, since the guest categories have become nothing but a parade of stars getting prizes for deigning to be on TV. Bobby Cannavale for W & G and Kathryn Jooster for Desperate Housewives. And on they come to present Best Direction of a Variety or Music Program. That's what you get when you're the least famous, a low-wattage category like that. Bucky Gunts wins for directing the Olympics Opening Ceremonies. Or possibly just for being named Bucky Gunts. Which is frankly enough.

Now, Bobby and Kathryn are presenting Best Writing of a Variety or Music Program, which always has the best nominations, because the writers make funny little videos of themselves or monkeys or whatever, while the long lists of names are read. This year, Conan O'Brien's show is the best video, but The Daily Show wins the Emmy. I guess the video isn't enough.

"You know, when I first said that I wanted to put together a late night comedy writing team that would only be 80% Ivy League educated Jews, people said I was crazy!"

I cannot read my writing about who presented Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series, but I doubt it was anyone whom I had the slightest knowledge of, so I'm not going to kill myself squinting at it. Doris Roberts won, though, which immediately put me to sleep. Jessica Walter so totally deserved it for Arrested Development and I will brook no argument.

Here's David Letterman. They show Conan O'Brien in the audience grudgingly clapping, and Jon Stewart leaping to his feet. C'mon, Conan, have you not yet figured out that on these shows you have to constantly look engaged and enthusiastic, unless they are talking about something sad, then you should look engaged and solemn. The second you look sour, irritated, or like you would cheerfully watch the person on stage boiled in oil is the moment they will stick that camera in your face, so if you don't want us to know that you're really kind of a prick, plaster than sincere look on your face and don't drop it unless you are sure that they've gone to commercial.

Dave is there to do a tribute to Johnny Carson. A lovely tribute, funny without being disrespectful. He seems to have a dry moth. Clips of Carson, ending with him and Bette Midler singing "Here's That Rainy Day", so I'm crying. Cut to Eric McCormack looking suspiciously damp-eyed and Conan looking BORED! C'mon, Conan! Did you not learn your lesson five minutes ago?

The cast of Everybody Loves Raymond is presenting Best Variety or Music or Comedy Series. Jon Stewart wins, which makes sense if it has the best writers, but things don't always match up so nicely. Jon says that watching Dave talk about Johnny was how the comedians of his generation feel about Dave. Cut to Conan being sick in a bucket. Just kidding, but I frankly wouldn't have been surprised.

Portia di Rossi is introducing Warrick from CSI and Macy Gray singing the theme song to The Jeffersons. I guess being the host's girlfriend doesn't get you a better gig. On the other hand, she got a solo spot, so no Awkward Awards Show Banter™ needed. So it's six of one. Macy Gray is dressed like a grownup for once, are we sure that it's her? I guess it must be, since no-one else has that voice.

Ellen walks out onto the stage with a sparkler and a unicycle and introduces Patricia Arquette. Clank. I'm assuming that it's a show running long joke and I was looking away when they showed the guy again, but still, a big fat clank.

Patricia is announcing Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama. Charles Durning in NCIS was absolutely amazing--he was nominated for being brilliant, not for being a star. Ossie Davis is dead, though, so he gets an edge there. The trend in this category is that all of the male nominees but one are over 70, and all of the women but one are over 50 (the female version of 70 for actors, I'm guessing). Does that mean that that's where all the work is at those ages? And the two youngest win, Ray Liotta and Amanda Plummer. And Ray comes out and presents Director of a Drama to JJ Abrams for Lost. Yay, JJ!! I means, I'm more of an Alias fan than Lost, but I don't care what he wins for as long as he wins.

Now he's presenting Best Writing for a Dramatic Series. Okay, The "Three Stories" episode of House was one of the best hours of episodic television ever. It was so good that I TiVoed it twice and watched it twice. And since it took me so long to watch it the first time, I ended up TiVoing and watching it the second time about two weeks later. And it won! Yay!! Yay!! He thanks all of the people who love him, "But I also want to acknowledge all of the other people who have come into my life who have made me miserable and cynical and angry, because this character wouldn't be the same without them, and they know who they are."

Halle Berry is introduced as an Oscar-winning actress and a nominee tonight. She's on the Emmys, why don't they mention that she's a former Emmy winner? Am I remembering it wrong? Was it the Golden Globe that she won? Or is it that Emmys aren't important ten minutes after you win them? I mean, they certainly aren't, but you wouldn't expect them to actually admit this on the telecast. Geoffrey Rush wins for The Life of Peter Sellers.

Ellen Pompeo and Patrick Dempsey present Director of a Mini or Movie to The Life of Peter Sellers. Now it's writing for a Mini or Movie or Dramatic Special. Go Office Special!! Nothing should beat that. Nope, it's a Peter Sellers extravaganza. Three wins in a row for the movie about Peter Sellers and finally someone thanks him! Whoops, Geoffrey Rush did. Damn. My way was much more interesting, damn the truth.

Geena Davis and Matthew Fox presenting Lead Actress in a Mini or Movie, and S. Epatha Merkerson wins. She looks absolutely shocked out of her skull, but I remember the reviews she got for this movie. She said that she wrote something and put it in here cleavage, but can't get it. Very charming how freaked out she is.

Jon Stewart is reaching down his pants for his speech, very on the ball. His bit is one of the best of the show, a pre-taped speech about Hurricane Katrina, lambasting the government response, but it's all cut and dubbed as though he's praising them and telling everyone to watch CBS. Highly diverting. "George Bush hates Black (Sabbath)!" He's presenting Directing for a Comedy Series, and Desperate Housewives wins.

Writing for a Comedy Series. Three different episodes of Arrested Development are nominated, so Desperate Housewives will probably get it. But no! Yay AD!! "We'd be remiss in pointing out that the Academy has twice awarded us for something that you people won't watch!"

Quentin Tarantino and Marg Helgenberger present Outstanding TV Movie. Go Office Special!! Nope, Warm Springs. Can we all tell that I'm getting a little tired? I think we're in the home stretch.

Jeff Probst and the host of Amazing Race introduce the trophy girls as being from America's Top Models. How sad that they seem to have no actual names. That's not so much what I call introducing, unless the wave of the future is that we will all be introduced by the title of the reality show that we were on. Because we'll all be on one eventually. It will be the law. O God, it's another Emmy Idol entry, I'd almost blocked the whole tiresome horror. It's William Shatner and an opera singer doing the theme from Star Trek. Actually pretty funny, but would have been funnier had they not shown it before every commercial teaser for the past hour. Cute! Now we can vote! We meaning insane people who will vote for anything, apparently.

Mariska Hargitay and Jimmy Smits presenting Best Mini-Series. The winer, The Lost Prince. Sounds terribly interesting, sorry I missed it.

The president of the Academy and Alan Alda presenting a tribute to Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings and Dan Rather. What possessed Alan to chose those glasses? Is he auditioning for Harry Potter Goes to the Old Folks Home? I didn't really realize that they all retired/died this year and that the face of network news has changed so much. Tom and Dan came out at the end to a screaming ovation. How sad that Peter Jennings isn't there.

Conan O'Brien presenting Lead Actress in a Comedy Series, and singing the theme song to Charles in Charge. Wow, he remembers a lot of it! This is the most important category by me, go Flicka! And she won!! Yay!!! When they called her name, it looked as though she had been shot. And she gave a sweet, weepy speech where she gracefully thanks everyone one the road to this moment in her career. So much nicer than just reading a list of names as quickly as possible before getting the "wrap it up" sign.

James Spader presenting Best Actress in a Drama. Patricia Arquette wins, and gives a speech consisting of reading a list of names as quickly as possible before getting the "wrap it up" sign. Her hair is some sort of WWII in space concoction. Either that, or I'm getting loopy at this point in the show.

The parade of the dead. It's always interesting to hear who gets the biggest applause. It's sort of between Ossie Davis, Anne Bancroft, James Doohan and Bob Denver, but Jerry Orbach blew them all away. He was really loved.

Sela Ward and Craig Ferguson presenting Actor in a Comedy. Go Jason Bateman! Nope, Tony Shalhoub. He's great, but I haven't liked that show since the first season, even with the Randy Newman theme song. "Thanks to the Academy and to my fellow nominees. Whoever they are, I'm really not familiar with their work."

Charles S. Dutton, interestingly wearing a pin-striped tux after his being in jail story several centuries ago. Stripes, get it? Lead Actor in a Drama, it's between lovely Hugh Laurie and Ian McShane. Shock! James Spader! I do love him, but shock! He apparently forgot his date's name, because he said "Thank you, m'dear." Very Captain Gregg in Ghost and Mrs. Muir.

The kid from Everybody Hates Chris and a little boy who was flooded out of New Orleans talking about the hurricane. Could have been cheesy or maudlin, but wasn't at all. His favourite shows are "Thithter Thithter and Thpongbob Thquarepantth!"

Emmy Idol is won by Megan Mullaly and Donald Trump. And the cry of "Who cares?" echoes across the land. They show Donald and Megan, then Bill Shatner in the audience, because he is a loser, then a piece of scenery because Ellen didn't know she was supposed to stay on the stage. Yeah, I'm sure they'll do this Emmy Idol thing next year, it's such a triumph.

Hugh Jackman and Whoopi Goldberg. "I was going to come out and say what a fantastic job that Ellen is doing, but then she shifted up our introduction, so I don't know, what do you think?" Best Drama Series. Lost. Best Comedy Series, go Arrested Development! Everybody Loves Raymond. Do people actually watch this show? "Do you think that your show going off the air means the end of the sitcom? And I want to say yes. And soon the end of laughter and then the end of smiling."

And I'm done! And it only took me a week!

Today's horoscope:
Now is a good time to delay any purchases no matter how 'necessary' they might be. Wait until later, when the stars indicate some generous financial influences will be coming your way. Use your financial smarts now and you'll benefit later.

* Yesterday / Index / This Month / Tomorrow *

E-Mail

Graphics by the graphically inclined Saundra!

This page was written by hand. My hand. Only pussies use HTML editors.
Last Updated Wed 3 May 17:13:09 2005