Thoughts while watching the Drama Desk Awards:

I love this awards show, it might be my favourite one, since it has only been televised for a couple of years, and is the farthest thing from being smooth or flashy as is possible to be without actually being on public access cable.

Harvey Fierstein is the host, or rather, Harvey "I'm Not Wearing a False Beard In Fiddler" Fierstein.

Joanna Gleason, for some reason wearing rouge from her lower eyelids to her chin, is presenting for Outstanding Orchestration of a Musical. I guess she got makeup advice from the drag queens from La Cage who are handing out the awards tonight. Joanna finds it hilarious that they feel it necessary to specify that the award goes to a musical, "Totally disqualifying the dream ballet from Doubt." The Light in the Piazza wins.

Broadway and Off-Broadway are both represented in the Drama Desk Awards, though one has no idea why, when you know Broadway is going to win everything. Off-Off Broadway apparently can be nominated, too, though I doubt that it ever is. With an Equity mandated 16 performance maximum, how anyone from the nominating committee can ever manage to catch one and remember it at nomination time, I don't know.

Outstanding Book of a Musical is won by The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, which makes me really hopeful that it might pick up some Tonys from the Spamalot juggernaut.

There's a number from Altar Boyz, (mis-spelled in the caption), a show that I only know exists because of the poster in the Times Square subway that I pass every day, but frankly, as far as Off-Broadway goes, if it doesn't pass through the theatre where I work, then I don't know about it. I have started reading New York Magazine again, though, so I should get back on top of things.

Anyway, Altar Boyz seems to be a Christian rock boy band spoof, and looks pretty funny. Possibly it sounds funny, too, but only if you are in the theatre, since the amplification is so bad for camera that I can barely understand a single lyric. This wouldn't happen on the Tonys, that's for sure. From what I see, though, it should certainly win Best Choreography.

Ha! They just showed a big closeup of the Big Boss (Male Version) from my theatre in the audience. I didn't expect that! I think we might have had a nomination, though I am watching this a week late, so I'm assuming that it didn't win, or they might have mentioned it at least in passing.

Special awards to Julie Harris and the Public Theatre. Not taking any risks there.

Maureen McGovern is singing another badly miked song...ah, they fixed it. Too bad, since it's from Little Women. It seems to be the "Too bad Beth is dead" song. I like this piano bar style that they do on this show, with singers in regular nice clothes, singing by the piano. That wouldn't have worked for Altar Boyz, but for a solo number with no choreography, it's very affective.

Sutton Foster and Maureen McGovern are presenting scholarships to two performers from Laguardia High, and good for them, and my God, Maureen McGovern is an absolute midget! Sutton Foster is a teeny little ant of a woman, and she absolutely towers over Maureen.

Harvey is back, warning people not to talk too long, or he will personally humiliate them, then introducing Robert Goulet, who's forehead gets bigger by the minute, to present Outstanding Lyrics. Has he been drinking? Or does he need new lenses in his glasses? Newsical got nominated, which I think was Off-Off. Off-Off Broadway in the house!! Of course, Eric Idle wins for Spamalot over my fave rave, Bill Finn for the Spelling Bee.

Gracious sakes alive, what just happened? Let me rewind (thanks TiVo!) He announced Eric Idle, they showed the audience, then Goulet started yelling at the Cagelle who was removing the cards from the podium, then he re-arranged the cards and put the award on top of them. Now he's chatting about seeing Billy Crystal earlier that day. Did no-one put on the TelePromTer "Eric Idle could not be with us this evening, but we accept the award on his behalf?" or did he just skip over it? This is the most peculiar awards show appearance since Liz Taylor at the Oscars the year Gladiator won.

Now he's presenting Outstanding Music. Can he do this without any more peculiar outbursts? It's as though he has been studying Will Farrell's impression of him and wants to get it exactly right. The Light in the Piazza wins, and as the winner stumbles down the aisle and across the vast barn of a stage, we hear ol' Goulet discussing with the Cagelle what she takes, card-wise, from the podium. Amusingly, the title under the winner's face says "Outstanding Orchestrations" instead of what he actually won. At least Robert Goulet is off the stage, though not before telling the winner to take his hands out of his pockets.

It's not that he's drunk, it's that he is completely unaware he is on television, that's all.

Gerald McRaney and Delta Burke are presenting. It's like going back in time to the Emmys in the 80's. They are presenting Unique Theatrical Experience "Kinda like our wedding night," o stop Gerald and Delta, you're killing me! See? Even the lowest rent awards show around can still have Lame Awards Show Banter™.

They rattle off a long list of shows without explaining why any of them are Unique, something wins, nobody comes on the stage, then they go on to the revue portion of the category. Hey, one of the shows was in my theatre last year, before I started, but it's not a nomination for us, as this show has been touring around in various incarnations for a decade. It didn't win, Forbidden Broadway-Special Victims Unit did. You can't beat the best.

Now it's Outstanding Solo performance. As though anything is going to beat Billy Crystal. And nothing did. And he even showed up! Good for him. He says that he hasn't been in a tuxedo since his high school prom. Did he wear sweatshirts and jeans at the Oscars?

They keep showing Hank Azaria, and they just showed the woman sitting next to the Big Boss (Male Version), along with his sleeve, so I'm guessing that they don't move the cameras around much.

They are now announcing the awards that were presented earlier in the evening. Dear God, there are actually Drama Desk Awards that they don't televise? How sad is that? The least important theatre awards imaginable, and there is are categories not worth televising? O the humanity!

Rue McClanahan is presenting something or other, speaking of Greatest Hits of the 80's Showing Up on Broadway, and she really truly needs to STOP MAKING SEX JOKES! Woman, you are a million years old it is very gross!

The cast of Glengarry Glen Ross just trooped out onto the stage, apparently because they won something earlier, though it is not mentioned what they won. Perhaps is was a Scrabble tournament. I'm assuming it's Outstanding Ensemble or something.

Now the cast of the Bee is marching out onto the stage as well, but there is no room for them with all these Glengarry actors out there already, so there is a bottleneck in the wings. Very "Let's put on an awards show in the old barn!"

This must be an edited version of the show, because I had heard that Alan Alda made a very funny comment while they were out there, and yet, funny comment there was none. I must ask Philip what it was, and if Robert Goulet said anything else that was then cut out for those of us not watching it live! And why was it not taped live?

Tommy Tune, looking more and more like George Hamilton every day, and Christina Applegate are giving out Outstanding Choreography, not won by Altar Boyz. La Cage wins, bo-ring.

Tommy and Christina are back, because everybody has to do at least two, even if they don't go together (Choreography and Direction of a Play?) Doubt wins. Next time they really should consider having the podium on the side of the stage near where the winners will walk up from the audience rather than as far away as possible. Just a thought.

Outstanding Direction of a Musical, go Bee! But Mike Nichols is hard to beat. But James Lapine (mispronounced by Christina Applegate) does win! Of course, it's not as though he is an underdog, he's still James Lapine. Who fell down on his way off the stage, and Christina Applegate has no improv, or she would have thrown in something about how she broke her foot. Too slow, Christina!

Next performance, a completely unknown number from Sweet Charity sung by unknown performers, another sign of the Drama Desks: Nothing with the star! If there's a hit song, do something else! It's kind of refreshing. They'll either do "Big Spender" or that song where Charity's really happy at the Tonys.

Jeff Goldblum's opening bombs, but his riffing on the bombing is great. Boy howdy, they sure do have a lot of nominees in every category. A million nominees, but only one winner. From Broadway, invariably. And there's the nomination from my theatre! Of course, I didn't see the show, and don't remember the performer at all, but go us! Of course, Broadway wins, the actress from Doubt. She doesn't look like Cherry Jones, so I'm supposing that it's Featured Actress.

What a personality this woman has! What is her name, I must rewind. Aha, Adriane Lenox. She says that she only has ten minutes in this play, but I can certainly tell how she could have won from such a small role if any of this amazing spark and sparkle of her shines through during those ten little minutes.

Outstanding Featured Actress in a Musical, again presented by Goldblum, for some reason making peculiar hand gestures as he reads the names. Not obscene ones, but like he's conducting the boy's band in Music Man.

The winner is Jan Maxwell from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and is another peach. She says, "I was talking to Robby Sella and I said, you know, the only speech I'm going to be making is after the second martini at home, saying 'You know, it's all rigged!' But now I find that this is the finest barometer of talent in the universe!"

Norbert Leo Butz, the stubbornest man in the world, I would imagine, what with him never changing that impossible name. He introduces Sherie René Scott, singing something from something, I'm assuming from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Great heavens, what a dull-ass song. Bring back The Last Five Years! Hey, she played Sally Simpson in Tommy! I loved that musical, and she was fantastic in it. Don't mind me, I'm just killing time until this awful song is over.

Ugh, Ethan Hawk. Bring back Robert Goulet! He and Parker Posey, apparently in Bea Arthur's old Maude wardrobe, are presenting Featured Actor in a play, and Michael Stuhlbarg from The Pillowman wins. O, how sweet, he's this tough-looking guy, looks like an Irish cop, and he ran onstage and burst into tears.

Featured Actor in a Musical, Denis O'Hare, Sweet Charity. Why does this actor look so familiar? O, he looks like Robson Green, that's it. Though I'm assuming that Robson Green wouldn't wear a striped shirt, no tie, and a velvet tux jacket with piping around the lapels for any reason, let alone if he knew that he might be on TV. O my God, he was that brilliant actor who played Guiteau in Assassins! I forgive him everything. Including the jacket.

"Our next presenter will at long last dispel the vicious rumour that she and Harvey Fierstein at the same person, please welcome Kathleen Turner!" but he turns around and it's Harvey in a wig. "Obviously, I am not Kathleen Turner, I am Bea Arthur."

Outstanding Actor in a Play, Brian F. O'Byrne in Doubt. He makes a disparaging comment as though who expected him to win, but none of the Big Names in Pillowman were nominated, his only real competition was Bill Irwin in Virginia Woolf, the play won a Pulitzer, he shouldn't be so shocked.

I don't think they are going to possibly get another 40 minutes out of this show, they are already on Outstanding Actor in a Musical, there's only the women and Best Play and Best Musical. How can they stretch it out for that much longer? Perhaps Robert Goulet will make another appearance.

Norbert Leo Butz wins Actor in a Musical. He's talking about how he's not actually funny, "I'm German and Irish, so I tend to brood, and my name is Norbert Butz. What do I have to laugh about?" If you have a funny name, let 'em know that you know it, good for him.

Ah, a song from The Light in the Piazza. That's how they'll stretch out these last 40 minutes.

Alan Alda is presenting Outstanding Actress in a Play, why bother reading out the nominees? No-one's gonna win but Cherry Jones. And I was right! Not only does everyone have to cross that barn of a stage, every single winner seems to have to come down from the second balcony. Up front are all the celebrities who either aren't winning or aren't even nominated. And the Big Boss (Male Version)!

She's the second performer to thank the ushers. As a professional front-of-house person, I appreciate my brothers and sisters in the trenches getting some recognition.

Outstanding Actress in a Musical, Victoria Clark in The Light in the Piazza, another gimme.

David Hyde Pierce and Hank Azaria are presenting the revivals. Either the lighting is very strange or David Hyde Pierce is a slightly greenish man. Play Revival is won by 12 Angry Men, which surprised me, as I expected Virginia Woolf to win.

They are listing some of these shows, and I keep thinking how can it be a revival if I've never heard of it? La Cage wins Musical Revival. And these winners are taking ninety hours getting to the stage, because they are old fat producers and they also have to trudge down from the second balcony and cross the long long stage before collapsing, panting, at the podium.

Hey, it's Patti Lupone! In Chita Rivera's wig. Presenting Outstanding Play. Of course, it's Doubt, though the one that I really want to see is Pillowman. "In particular tonight, I want to thank the people in my cast, because they are helping me.

Outstanding Musical, is it Spamalot's time at last? And yes, it is. It's no Producers, though it may be come Tony night, but it won the big one tonight. And not to gigantic cheers, either.

Harvey's closing remarks, "You came, you saw, you're welcome!"

Today's horoscope:
If you're seeing someone, a much deeper commitment could be on the agenda for the two of you soon. If you're single, someone will be along shortly who'll let you know immediately that they play for keeps.

One year ago today:
Constantly thinking "Okay, when should I breathe in again? Now? Two seconds from now? Wait, I'd better do it now, because my lungs are starting to burn. Or should I?" is not the most relaxing, meditative state of being. Giving up and just being awake is actually less exhausting.

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Last Updated Sun 5 June 02:33:09 2005