Thoughts while watching the Tony Awards:

Will I ever hear the name "Hugh Jackman" without adding "and his huge Ackman"? Ever again? Even when I'm a little old lady like Helen Hayes in Airplane, will I ever be able to not think that? Nope. Thanks a lot, Carson Kressley.

The show starts with Bernadette Peters singing a re-written version of "Another Op'nin', Another Show" and then showing clips of all the musicals of the 2004-2005 season Frogs, Dracula, the Musical, Bklyn, Pacific Overtures (revival), La Cage Aux Folles (revival), Little Women, Good Vibrations (jukebox musical), All Shook Up (jukebox musical), Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Sweet Charity (revival). I'm thinking that 2004-2005 is not so much a classic year.

Amusingly, they kept interspersing bits of "Another Op'nin', Another Show" over the clips, especially when the shows closed quickly, and the bit that Bernadette sang over the Good Vibrations clip was "Four weeks, you rehearse and rehearse..." and the next line was just music, but most people watching the show can supply the next line, "Three weeks and it couldn't be worse"! And since Good Vibrations was famously the worst show this year, you can't tell me that was a co-incidence of editing.

I cannot be the only person alive who believes that the flesh-coloured mics taped to the actors' foreheads look like giant zits, can I? I know I'm the only person who believes that people should be able to project without amplification, but there has to be another way of doing it without making them look deformed.

Okay, after showing clips of all the crap shows and revivals, here are the live nominees for Best Musical, Spamalot, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (go Bee!), The Light in the Piazza, and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. That was actually extremely effective, having all of the shows onstage at the same time, going from one to the other. Pretty cool, actually. However, it's pretty clear that the straight plays are getting screwed again this year.

John Lithgow's toupee should definitely get a special Tony.

Now is Billy Crystal, making an "I'm in love with Katie Holmes" joke. Um, first is Bernadette, now Billy, are they saving the actual host (and his, you know...) for the last five minutes? Aha, there he is, making a Comic Phone Call to Billy Crystal, who says, "For a minute there I thought it was Deep Throat. You know, Harvey Fierstein," and then they showed Harvey and his Great Big Rabbi Santa beard making a face, then laughing hysterically.

Ah, Hugh. So very very pretty. He can host the Tonys until the sun crashes into the earth as far as I'm concerned.

A pretty fun transition into presenting the first award, Billy kept popping back onto the stage to give Hugh hosting tips, then asked whether he would get a gift basket. Hugh said no, they were only for presenters, so Billy started reading the nominees for Featured Actor in a play, and then I realized that they really were presenting that award! So what we were looking at here was an extremely rare example of Non-Lame Awards Show Banter™. Who knew?

Apparently, the title of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf is no longer Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, but Edward Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. In case anyone thinks that some other crafty playwright decided to write a play called Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and think that the shows might get confused with each other. Not anymore, nameless crafty playwright! You have been thwarted!

Liev Shrieber wins over half of the rest of the cast of Glengarry Glen Ross. How is that a featured role? Must be one of those billing things, the Tony rule is that if you are billed above the title, you are a leading performer and if you are billed under the title, you are featured. And if there is something that doesn't fit, like a giant star in a cameo role, they must apply for a rule change. I believe all of the actors in Glengarry are billed as a big ol' ensemble, so there you have it. Even though Ricky Roma is totally the lead.

I saw Glengarry in the original production and remember counting the times they said "fuck". Which was possibly a sign that I wasn't entirely riveted.

Jesus Christ, that Kate Winslet Amex commercial had me fooled. All I could think of was, is this a movie? Is it a book? Whatever it is, I want to read or see or buy it! Alright, you got me, Amex.

Billy Crystal's show is apparently the highest-grossing non-musical in Broadway history. A fact that might have something to do with the ticket prices.

"Lots of movie actors are returning to the theatre this year I saw Christian Slater in The Glass Menagerie, I mean, when that guy gets hold of a part, he will not let go!" What? It got a laugh, but I don't get it. I just rewound it five time to see if I missed anything, but I still don't get it.

Hugh Jackman is saying that he will no longer dance, because he is an action movie actor, segueing nicely into singing an "I Won't Dance" medley and lecturing his tapping toes. I admit it, I'm a sucker for this schtick. Why he's singing in a flat, Midwestern American accent, though, is beyond me. If we are assumed to be able to understand his speaking voice, I'm certain it won't throw anyone if he sings "I won't dahnce" instead of "I won't deeyance".

O yeah, Christian Slater grabbed that woman's ass. "Gets hold of a part!" Geez, I'm slow!

Julia Stiles and Laurence Fishburn have brought back the Lame Awards Show Banter™, I knew we could count on plenty of that. Adriane Lenox wins Features Actress in a play. She's that ball of fire who won the Drama Desk last week. She's pointing out family members in the audience, it's very sweet. "I'm not washing any more dishes, I can't hold this and wash dishes, too!"

Mario Cantone and Megan Mullally are presenting Best Book of a Musical together. Is it an annoying voice-off? Mario wins. Annoying voice, that is. Eric Idle wins the Tony. No, he doesn't! I totally typed that before it was announced because I was so certain that he would win, Rachel Sheinken for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee wins! Go Bee!!

John Lithgow and Norbert Leo Butz are doing a song from Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. I am astonished. This song is great! I heard this show was bleh, but I'm loving it! He just said something dirty, I know, because they took out the mic as he said it, but with a great big close-up of his mouth, so I should be able to figure it out. And that wasn't too hard, actually, from the context: "The Islands in the winter/The Hamptons in the summer/The fashion plate I date'll give me/Hummers in my Hummer." Okay, one totally sees why he won the Drama Desk Award, and it will be a travesty of justice if he doesn't win the Tony as well.

Hugh Jackman introduces Christina Applegate to present Best Choreographer, telling the famous "broke her foot twirling around a lamppost" story, and then she enters by twirling around a lamppost and tumbling out of sight. I guess you gotta. James Earl Jones is laughing his ass off.

"(Choreographers) can even devise combinations of moves that look hard to do, even though they are really hard to do."

Jerry Mitchell wins for La Cage, though he was also nominated for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, which ain't bad, since you'd think that he would have knocked himself out of the running. They got a shot of his boyfriend taking a snapshot of the stage, very sweet.

It's taking me forever to write this, not only because I keep having to pause it in order to gather my thoughts and type, as well as to give my Tony speech. And don't even look at me like I'm the only one, because I know better.

Great heavens, Adam Guettel win Best Score for The Light in the Piazza! Over Bill Finn for the Bee and Eric Idle for Spamalot! I am quite shocked. What's going to happen next, Billy Crystal or Cherry Jones won't win? Not possible.

A number from The Light in the Piazza. Why on earth does she have a microphone in her hand? And now she glanced off to the right, then casually, the mic disappeared form shot. Yep, it's live TV, I guess they didn't have the sound right when they were going live in the Lincoln Centre Theatre. Whoops!

This number isn't as impressive as Dirty Rotten Scoundrels yet. Though both women have quite stunning voices. But if that's the Best Score, I'll take vanilla.

"Ghost Whisperer, coming this fall!" And canceled by winter.

Dear God, Harry Smith and Doris Roberts are flirting. Make it stop!

Aha! Clips of all the plays of the year! The plays aren't getting treated like Broadway's lesser child! Of course, each play only gets about two shots and they barely show the titles, but there are a lot more of them than the musicals, so I guess I'll accept it. Sight Unseen, After the Fall (revival), Reckless, Twelve Angry Men (revival), 'night Mother (revival), Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (revival), Brooklyn Boy, Glass Menagerie (revival), The Rivals (revival), Julius Caesar (revival), Steel Magnolias (revival), On Golden Pond (revival), Streetcar Named Desire (revival), Glengarry Glen Ross (revival). 42 seconds. Musicals took 102 seconds. That's less than half as much time for only four less shows. Yep, nobody cares about the plays.

Best Director of a Play, Doug Hughes for Doubt. "I know it must seem like a wild act of Oedipal revenge for the son of two actors to become a director, I assure you, that's not the case." Aha, he's the son of Barnard Hughes. "I love working in the world of the theatre, safe and dangerous, small and infinite, I'm overjoyed to have a place in it." Me too, baby. I know what you mean.

They're doing the number from Sweet Charity, "Hey, Big Spender" and "If They Could See Me Now". Now, remind me, what did I say during the Drama Desk Awards, 'Another sign of the Drama Desks: Nothing with the star! If there's a hit song, do something else! It's kind of refreshing. They'll either do "Big Spender" or that song where Charity's really happy at the Tonys.' How right was I? Okay, so they added "Brass Band", but still, I called it. Not that you had to be particularly psychic, but c'mon, give it to me.

Best Play nominees, Democracy, Doubt, Gem of the Ocean, and The Pillowman. And what do they do? You're gonna love this, a line of dialogue played over still photos from the productions! How much does the Tonys say fuck you to the straight plays? So much!

Leslie Uggams and James Earl Jones are presenting Featured Actress in a Musical. "One of the five talented ladies nominated for Best Performance of a Featured Actress in a Musical is about to get the thrill of a lifetime, a Tony Award for her outstanding performance. But I thought we should give all of the nominees the thrill of hearing her name read by the mellifluous, yet booming, James Earl Jones!"

Sara Ramirez, who did not seem to expect to have to walk in that mermaid dress, wins for Spamalot. She thanks Claritin, apparently she's got herself some seasonal allergies!

Holy cow, Dan Fogler wins Best Featured Actor in a Musical for the Beeeeeee! Yay! "We did it with this hair and with this body! Be brave! Be different! And in the words of William Morris Barfee, 'My whole life I've only been able to breathe through one nostril, and today is no exception!"

Dear God, it's Robert Goulet! Get the net! Thank goodness, he's only there to introduce the number from La Cage.

This won Best Choreography? They can all do splits and walkovers and flip-flops. Big frickin' deal. O, and piqué turns. Again, BFD. I'm bored out of my mind.

A good explanation of the American Theatre Wing for once, anything including the puppets from Avenue Q is okay by me.

Sally Fields apparently presented a Lifetime Achievement award to Edward Albee off-camera. Because that's where such things belong, apparently. A bunch of Cagelles boring me to tears, that's TV ready, but something actually having to do with the history of theatre, forget it. Amusingly, they showed some clips of his plays, and over the clip from Seascape, Sally says that he changed the landscape of theatre. Another clever moment, Tony editor, I salute you!

Nathan Lane is presenting Best Special Theatrical Event. "As we all know, Shakespeare wrote 'All the world's a Special Theatrical Event...' Nobody can win but Billy Crystal. And, unlike Eric Idle earlier in the evening, I am entirely correct.

And now, Matthew Broderick is presenting Best Direction of a Musical. Because it is the law the Matthew and Nathan are always, if not onstage together, at least adjacent to each other. Mike Nichols wins for Spamalot. Yay Mike!

Best Revival of a Musical, La Cage Aux Folles. Wha? Dozed off for a minute, sorry about that.

Yay, what I've been waiting for all evening, the show that I really need to see, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee! "We are still missing a speller, will Mr. Al Sharpton please come to the stage?" and he did! Is this part of the show regularly? This is great, they aren't doing a song, they are doing a scene! With singing! And spelling! This is the best show in the whole world. I knew how to spell "dengue".

The untelevised awards. The Tonys don't hate these awards like they hate straight plays, but CBS sure does.

Okay, Best Revival of a Play, Glengarry Glen Ross. Can we all tell that I'm two hours into this three hour show and I'm starting to flag because it's been three and a half hours getting this far and it's 1a? Yeah, I thought you could.

A parade of the dead? Do they always do this at the Tonys? I seriously don't remember ever seeing this before. They certainly aren't meandering through it. O my God. The last one was Jerry Orbach, and now Jesse L. Martin, his partner from Law and Order, is singing one of his signature songs, "Give 'Em the Old Razzle-Dazzle". If I can get through this without weeping, I'll be very surprised. Of course, it's for everyone, and Fred Ebb, who wrote the song, also died, but Jerry's the one I'm crying for.

Hugh Jackman again, "The great thing is that live theatre is increasing in popularity. Paris Hilton says that instead of a honeymoon video, she's putting on a play. I'd like to see her do that eight times a week!"

Best Actor in a Play, Bill Irwin for Edward Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (honestly, what's with that? If it doesn't have to be Anton Chekov's The Sea Gull or Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman, Albee doesn't need to be part of the title either. Or just give up and call it Who's Afraid of Edward Albee.) Anyway, long parenthetical aside or no, yay Bill! I want to see that, too. The Bee, Albee's Woolf and Pillowman. Maybe I'll even see one of them!

Best Actress in a Play, Cherry Jones, of course, for Doubt. There are no other actresses on Broadway, we are all disciples of Cherry Jones.

And now, the number from Spamalot. They leave it until last because they think it's going to win. Certainly possible, but it's no Producers sweep. Poor Eric Idle. I'm not incredibly impressed by this number, but the are shooting it all in longshot and it all looks just so far away and dull. O God, Tim Curry just spoke-sang a verse, and I about fell out of my chair with joy, if that's what they're calling it these days. It reminded me so much of my Rocky Horror years.

It got more interesting towards the end, but I'm still pulling for my beloved Bee.

Aretha Franklin is going to be performing next? Um, why? I mean, yes, a great legend, but not so much what one would call a Broadway legend. Frankly, when there are untelevised awards and Edward Albee's special award and ignored plays, Aretha Franklin is taking up room that could be used by something having something to do with actual Broadway.

Ugh, Ethan Hawke. Bleh. He's giving out Best Play with Angela Bassett apparently because he is an extremely bad writer in addition to being a hack of an actor. Doubt wins, no great surprise, it won the Pulitzer, though The Pillowman sounds more like my cup of child-murdering tea. I am amazed that this is John Patrick Shanley's Broadway debut, though. Just goes to show that Broadway is not where great new playwrights are discovered anymore.

"Last year saw the birth of an exhilarating new Tony Awards tradition, when we asked Mary J. Blige and Tony Bennett to infuse a pair of classic Broadway hits with their distinctive styles." Here comes Aretha. I don't think it was an exhilarating new Tony Awards tradition, it was more of a waste of time. "This year, in special recognition of Stephen Sondheim on his 75th birthday, the tradition continues with "Somewhere" from West Side Story, once again, here's the fantastic Hugh Jackman."

Okay, maybe it's not Aretha, nope, here she comes. They are dueting. They are not so much what one would call natural duet partners. He is singing it in straight Broadway style, and she's singing it like Aretha Franklin. Both excellent on their own, but not together. Rather a nightmare, to tell the truth. The audience, politely responding, seems to agree.

And here's Harvey, why have him in the audience if you are not going to have him on stage? I ask you. "Before I grew this fabulous beard, I spent more than two years on Broadway singing and dancing as only a woman can." He is presenting Best Actress in a Musical. Victoria Clark wins for A Light in the Piazza, no shock there.

Poor Bernadette Peters, she's on at the beginning, then has to cool her heels in the green room for three hours. She's presenting Best Actor in a Musical, and I should be pulling for Tim Curry, whom I have loved since I was 14, but that number earlier by Norbert Leo Butz has turned my head. Poor John Lithgow (pronounced Lith-goe), it doesn't matter how many awards he wins or is nominated for, he still has to listen to Bernadette Peters pronounce his name Lith-gaow. And Norbert wins! I'm going to rewind and watch that number again before erasing it from my TiVo.

"I feel like crying, because when I heard my name, I just got the joke! I just got it!" "My parents are here, Norbert, yes, he is the culprit!" This man knows every joke about his name and tells them first.

Poor Norbert got cut off by the music. There is no give this late in the broadcast. The Tonys don't go over, they end at 11p, and fuck the winners.

Best Musical is Spamalot. I'm actually rather surprised! "Would it be suspicious if I used the TelePrompTer? And now for something completely different, let's not thank Eric Idle, who started it all." Eric, at last, is out on this stage getting a Tony! And they are getting played off. No room for winners, only Aretha Franklin.

Seriously, CBS, bite my ass.

Today's horoscope:
Your recent soul-searching mode has been very fruitful, and you've got some good food for thought. Now it's time to zero in on some of the specifics and take care of business.

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Last Updated Fri 1 July 02:00:09 2005