Thoughts while watching the Academy Awards:

Starting with a montage of film clips. Sort of always the same thing, montages of film clips, but sort of always great, too. Good job with the multiple screen effect. And some surprising choices of non-Oscar-winning flicks, like Sleeper and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Chris Rock looks gorgeous! He cleans up nice.

They are shooting every black face that they can find in the audience during the monologue. Which admittedly isn't as obvious as trying to find the three black attendees at the Republican National Convention, or something, but still, kind of obvious. The best one was, "You go to the Source Awards, there's singing, dancing and shooting..." and they immediately showed a big close-up of Puff Daddy, looking slightly pained.

Chris is saying that there is no acting at the Oscars. Is he kidding? Every loser having to look happy for the winner is acting his tail off! And, he just said that joke. Well, it's not as though it wasn't there just waiting to be said.

"If you want Tom Cruise and can only get Jude Law, wait!" Is he crazy? I like Tom Cruise fine, I'm not an anti-Cruiser, but there are many situations where I'd far rather see Jude Law. As a sex-robot, for one.

Chris Rock just told a Ja Rule joke. At the Academy Awards. Certainly a first, and likely most of the people who laughed only knew to do so because of the cadence of his voice.

"A lot of Jewish people were offended at Passion of the Christ, and I can relate, because I had to deal with a movie called Soul Plane this year. I'd take Passion of the Christ over Soul Plane any day of the week!"

Halle Berry is the first presenter. Ooh, I like that, they show on the floor the clip of her winning for Monster's Ball. Very neat-looking.

Art Direction is the first award? Where's Best Supporting Actress, for heaven's sake? And all of the Art Direction nominees are right there on the stage? How very peculiar. Are they going to do that with all of the awards? It'll get crowded for Best Picture, when every film has 85 producers. On the one hand, they all get to be up on the stage. On the other hand, they all have to be right there with everyone's eyes on them as most of them lose.

The Aviator wins for Art Direction...the start of a sweep? I hope not, I didn't pick it for anything in the Oscar pool at Fiddlin' and Burnin'.

Renee Zellweger is wearing a mermaid dress. Looks gorgeous, but not the dress that you want to be filmed walking across a stage in. It looks as though she's a mom trying to leave the house and her toddler has wrapped himself around her ankle and refuses to let go.

Best Supporting Actor. Thomas Hayden Church looks pained at the clip chosen form Sideways, and he should be. Not that I have seen the movie, but if he was nominated for an Oscar, I'm assuming that he has better scenes than that. Did they choose it because he is crying and that's acting? Who knows?

Morgan Freeman won. I'd have loved to see Clive Owen win, but honestly, Morgan Freeman not having an Oscar is as ridiculous as Martin Scorsese not having an Oscar. Not that he'll win one tonight. Also, I voted for him in the pool! It's only $10 to win, but it's $10 and bragging rights, baby.

Okay, the Sparticus Pepsi commercial is brilliant.

Dear God, not Robin Williams. Not Robin "Anything I Do Is Automatically Funny Because I Am Robin Williams" Williams. Somebody shut him in a closet someday. Soon. Within the next five minutes. Or two minutes. He's doing Brando as Elmer Fudd. Kill me.

Best Animated Film, The Incredibles, to the surprise of absolutely no-one. I have seen so few movies lately that I haven't seen it, but I hear that it's quite good. Brad Bird is adorable. He looks like Macaulay Culkin's slightly older brother. And sounds like, well, like a guy who spends most of his time in his room drawing.

Cate Blanchett is presenting Best Makeup. For some reason, in the aisle. Are they building something big on the stage and can't fit Cate there? Will the winner accept from his seat? They are showing the faces of all of the nominees, which is very sweet and dear of them, but I'd like to see examples of their work as well. O wait, one of the nominees is for Passion of the Christ, I don't want to see that makeup.

Lemony Snicket wins, and yes, they are accepting from the aisle. What the hell is up with that shit? First everyone was on the stage, then everyone is in the aisle, what are they going to do with the next technical award, hang them from the ceiling? Give it to them in the parking lot? They are straining a bit to be different here, and it's showing.

Drew Barrymore sure can pull off that smokey-eye look. She doesn't look dead or vampiric, just mysterious. She's introducing the first nominated song, from Les Choristes. Which is about to be sung by Celine Dion. Who is looking remarkably black. Okay, I just rewound my TiVo, and Drew says quite clearly that it will be sung by Beyonce, I have no idea how I heard Celine Dion, they don't sound rhyme or anything!

Beyonce. Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce. You are a beautiful woman, you have a lovely voice (lovely enough to forgive your accent), but no matter how yellowy-green the dress, yellowy green is never going to look good on anyone's eyelids. Seriously. Fire your makeup person.

Coming back from a commercial, they just swept the camera over the theatre, showing dozens of empty seats (where are the seat-fillers?) and then somebody raced onstage to give Chris Rock a microphone, and then tore off as though he would burst into flames if the camera touched him. A very Golden Globe moment here at the Oscars.

A funny film sequence with Chris Rock interviewing regular movie-goers at the Magic Johnson Theatre, none of whom saw a single nominated film, but they all saw White Chicks. Ha! Now he's interviewing Albert Brooks! How often does he hang out at the Magic Johnson Theatre, I'm wondering? About as likely as his actually seeing White Chicks.

Scarlett Johansson just stepped out into a box, you know, those seats hanging off the side of a theatre. This must mean that she is about to present a technical award. I told you they'd be hanging off the ceiling soon! Will the winners swing into the box to get their Oscars like Tarzan? Ah, no, she's recapping the Scientific and Technical Awards, so it's sort of technical, just not technical tonight. Scarlett looks great, but the clips from the Scientific and Technical Awards show that for some reason, she decided to wear Brigitte Nielson's hair that night. Was she unaware that she would be photographed?

Pierce Brosnan is presenting Best Costume Design, and they are all on the stage again. C'mon, guys, I was expecting something a bit more unusual. We haven't seeing the furnace room yet. Or the toilet! Present from the toilet! Stage shmage. Maybe they thought having the cartoon costumer from The Incredibles co-presenting with Pierce was interesting enough.

The Aviator wins. And she looks thrilled to be accepting an award from a cartoon character.

"When our next presenter is not dazzling us with his acting ability, he's boring us to death with his politics, please welcome Academy Award winner, Tim Robbins!"

Best Supporting Actress, finally! Was Virginia Madsen in any other scene in Sideways than the "Wine is like a woman" scene? Because that's the only scene that has ever been shown in these hundreds of awards shows.

And Cate Blanchett wins! Which she should have, not that I saw the movie and have no interest in seeing it, but Cate Blanchett is an actress for the ages. Someone who should win several Oscars in her certain to be long career. Also, I voted for her in the pool, so I'm two for two! (It's a major categories-only pool).

Ah, a tribute to Johnny Carson, which is just as it should be. He was the Oscar host of my childhood. He shouldn't only be included in the Parade of Dead later in the show.

Is that Jay Z in the audience? O yeah, he'll be Beyonce's date. Holding her chartreuse eye shadow in his pocket, in case she needs a touch-up.

Documentary Feature. That's the tie-breaker in the pool. Shit, I didn't read the list right, I chose Born Into Brothels without noticing that Super-Size Me was a nominee! I might have blown that one. No, I called it! Genius, that's what I am, even if accidentally. But honestly, teaching the children of prostitutes to be photographers, that's Oscar gold right there.

I certainly hope that Kirsten Dunst's asymmetrical platinum blonde bob is for a movie. Because otherwise, she has gone completely insane.

Best Film Editing, The Aviator. I don't know why all of a sudden they did a technical award just regularly, presenters on the stage, nominees in the audience, no faces seen but the winner. I'm disappointed.

Most presenters are, "Academy Award winner So-and-so", or "Three-time nominee whoseywhats". Mike Meyers is "the loveable Mike Myers". You go with what you got, I guess. He's introducing my choice for Best Song, "Accidentally In Love", from Shrek 2. Truly a wonderful song.

Adam Durst is looking more and more like a golliwog doll as the years go on. But I really love this song, so he can have a hair palm tree growing out of his head all he likes. Though he might have thought about tucking in his shirt, even if he wasn't going to wear a tie--I mean, it's the Oscars, for heaven's sake.

An announcement I never thought I'd hear, "Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler and Academy Award winner Catherine Zeta Jones!" Notice that Adam isn't loveable. It's like Martha Stewart and Busta Rhymes at the MTV Awards. Ah, I see, I knew it was improbable, Catherine isn't there and Chris Rock is going to read her part. And hilarity ensues. Theoretically. Lots of nonsense about how sexy Chris/Catherine looks in her Versace dress, and blah blah blah. Though, Chris Rock saying, "As a little girl growing up in Wales..." was pretty funny.

Best Adapted Screenplay. Sideways totally has to win. Yes! I'm three for three in the pool! Normally I don't go all pool-happy, but since we only did it at rehearsal today, I remember who I chose, and I lied through my teeth and said that I always win these things, so I have to win just to save face.

Thomas Hayden Church has the most grimace-y smile in the known universe. It just goes straight out, like a line with teeth.

Zizi Zhang? Isn't it Ziyi? Did the announcer get thrown by the multitude of z's?

Jake Gyllenhaal, also I hope against hope that that buzz cut is for a role, because he looks like an absolute ass-head. Like some recently released prisoner who wandered onto the stage and Ziyi Zhang didn't notice because she doesn't actually speak English. Or, as Tracing said when she couldn't figure out who the murderer was in some military movie with Tim Hutton that we saw, all white guys in uniforms kind of look alike.

Best Visual Effects. Anything but I, Robot, baby. The idea that that horror would suddenly become "Academy Award-winning I, Robot" is beyond the pale. Ah, good, Spiderman 2. That was a close one.

Al Pacino is giving an honorary Oscar to Sidney Lumet. Now is just about the time in the show that I think it will never end. Especially since I've been watching the first hour and twenty minutes of this show for the past three hours. No, I don't type that slowly, I did dye my hair in the middle of that time, but still, it's a good thing nobody watches with me, because it would be a torturous ordeal for him to endure.

Wow, that Sidney Lumet film clip retrospective was great, especially since they included everything, not just Dog Day Afternoon and The Anderson Tapes and Murder on the Orient Express and 12 Angry Men, but also The Wiz and Gloria and Family Business, and it all looks great. It even makes it look like the fact that his most recent film starring Vin Diesel with hair doesn't mean that his career is in the crapper, but that he's about to raise Vin Diesel up to his level.

Who the hell are those three women holding hands that they just showed for an extended period of time? They must be Sidney's family, but who is who? There is one who looks old enough to be his wife, but if she is his wife, who is the whorish-looking one with the silver dress and the pneumatic breasts who looks exactly like a trophy wife? If it's his daughter, why is she dressed like she just stepped in from Sunset Boulevard, and if it's his trophy wife, then who is the reasonable-looking woman? And I'm not even mentioning the other one, who must be his daughter. Young, pretty, no stripper tits.

Sidney is quoting Some Like it Hot and Little Caesar, so of course they panned to Mickey "Still Alive" Rooney in the audience. He always gets shown after the oldest person onstage makes the oldest reference.

Emmy Rossum from Phantom of the Opera, wearing Renee Zellweger's toddler-round-the-knee dress from earlier, introduces the nominated song from her movie and manages to look gracious rather than annoyed that Beyonce will be singing it instead of her.

Will someone please explain the monkey with cymbals and a turban sitting on Andrew Lloyd-Webber's piano? Will someone wind it up later so it can play along, or is it just an extremely mysterious piece of set decoration? Maybe somebody had a bet with the set decorator that she could not only get a monkey with cymbals and a turban onto the set, but on camera. Well, she won!

Gracious me. They couldn't get the Phantom's chandelier onto the stage, so they had Beyonce wear it around her neck instead? She's not wearing the necklace, that necklace is wearing her. Bring back the chartreuse eyeshadow! It was much less obtrusive!

Is this song really a bad adult contemporary ballad, or is that just how Beyonce is choosing to sing it?

"Please welcome, comedy superstar Jeremy Irons!"
"It's so good to be recognized at last."

We're back in the aisle again. They must be having to remove the monkey. Ha, as Jeremy started his spiel, there was a BANG sound, and he flung in, "I hope they missed!" It's not quite David Niven and the streaker, but not bad.

It's Live-Action Short, and it's a fun group of nominees. One was pretending to be asleep as the camera came to him, which was actually more amusing than it sounded. The sleepy guy did not win, something called Wasp did. Whatever, it's not on my pool.

Wow, Laura Linney sure looks beautiful. I guess she's showing off that she isn't as plump and dowdy as she is in Kinsey. Too bad the mic is clipped to the front of her cupcake-frilled boobs and ruins the look of what might be one of the nicest dresses in the evening.

She's doing Best Animated Short. It's actually really nice to see the nominees, even though I'd REALLY LIKE TO SEE A LITTLE CLIP OF THE MOVIES, because if there is any group on earth where being nominated is enough, it's the filmmakers who made the short films. Who makes a short film and thinks, "Oscar, here I come!" Hey, Bill Plympton is nominated! So that's what he looks like, who knew?

Kate Winslet, in an column gown, proves that they are much easier to walk in than mermaid dresses, pay attention young actresses to come. You know in whose footsteps to follow.

And The Aviator is still sweeping the technical awards, winning Best Cinematographer. Apparently, his mother has been in the hospital for the past 45 days. Man, that's what you want when you are nominated for an Oscar and it's the most exciting time of your life, a nightmarish family tragedy. I hope she was able to see her son win.

Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are presenting. I'll bet anything it's going to be Foreign Film. Nope, it's Sound Mixing. Okay, even the Academy aren't that bald. Sound is actually pretty amusingly subtle, though, with the sound of their thick accents. Ha ha ho.

Ray wins for Sound Mixing. Okay, not The Aviator, for once!

And neither does it win Sound Editing, mostly because it wasn't nominated. The Incredibles did.

"Certain Academy Awards, like Sound and Visual Effects and Editing are sometimes referred to as 'technical awards'. They are not technical, they are given for artistic decisions." And since I have called them technical award like eight times above, I am properly chagrined, it just sounds better than "lesser awards". Because, when it comes right down to it, that's not right either.

The next nominated song is from The Motorcycle Diaries. Will Beyonce sing that one, too? Ah good, she'd probably come out with a motorcycle around her neck, and her French was bad enough, I couldn't imagine her Spanish. Instead, it's being performed by Antonio Banderas and Carlos Santana, in a remarkably over-the-top, telenovela style. Antonio Banderas is singing better than he did in Evita, maybe because he's not also trying to sing in a foreign language at the same time. Maybe he just finds it more inspirational to perform with Santana than Madonna. Go figure.

Natalie Portman looks as though she totally would have gone home after losing to Cate Blanchett an hour ago, except that she has to present this damn Best Documentary Short Subject award. She's reading the nominees through gritted teeth. Mighty Times, the Children's March wins.

Aha! Chris Rock just gave the "they'll give them the Oscars in the parking lot" joke that I made about nineteen hours ago! I could totally do his job. Nah, two jokes do not a stand-up make.

John Travolta, presenting for Best Score, did not appear to know that the line, "walking down a street with attitude" meant him. Either that, or he is a more subtle actor that I thought he was.

Martin Scorsese is looking terribly elderly these days. He seems to have found the fountain of age, to quote stee. He's giving out the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian award to Roger Mayer. They chose him to present, as the winner is a film preservationist, but maybe also a little bit getting him up on that stage so that he can get an ovation in case he doesn't win Best Director.

Ah, the Parade of the Dead, as accompanied by Yo-Yo Ma. The other week, on SNL, they had Debbie Downer say that this was her favourite part of the Oscars, since she's such a stone drag, but it's one of my favourite parts, it really is. I guess they couldn't get John Raitt and Sandra Dee added when they died just a few days ago. Ossie Davis made the cut, though.

Puffy is wearing a velvet tux. Apparently, he's a big fan of proms in the '70s. He's introducing the nominated song from The Polar Express, apparently the hippest song of the five. Beyonce and Josh Groban are singing it, since Beyonce is seemingly the only female singer available tonight. Everyone else was booked. And she is wearing, get this, a sparkly mermaid gown. Take that, Renee Zellweger! I guess she spent the time between her last song and this one getting her hair ironed. She's not over-singing this one like she did the last one, and actually, her and ol' Josh (alumni of my high school, everyone!) sing extremely well together.

Prince must be going to present Best Song, it would be completely ridiculous if he did anything else. Wow, he sounds literally exactly like Fred Armisen imitating him on SNL. Prince should never speak in public, only sing, because he can't help but sound completely like a take-off on himself. Go "Accidentally in Love"! The others all totally sucked! Damn, that overwrought Spanish number won. Ha, the winner is singing his song, apparently to show that it's much better done simply than chest-beatingly, as Antonio did it. A perfect speech, just sang part of the song, then said, "Ciao! Thank you! Gracias! Ciao!" You go, Spanish guy whose name I didn't get, you show 'em how it's done, boy!

Sean Penn is presenting Best Actress, but first apologizes for being humourless, and answers Chris Rock from earlier and says that Jude Law is one of our finest actors. He doesn't say that he's a fine sex robot as well, but he doesn't need to, that's as written.

Whoa, there's Imelda Staunton, looking bloody gaw-jus in the audience! She's such a frump in Vera Drake, and nobody in America could pick her out of a police lineup, she did the right thing showing that she is a very attractive woman and can play the pretty parts, if offered. If any pretty parts were ever offered to actresses over 30, anyway.

I'd love it if Kate Winslet won, even if I didn't vote for her in the pool. But no, Hilary Swank won, I'm 100% in the pool so far. Annette Bening's glare could cut diamonds as she clapped for Hilary. Again. If Hilary is ever taken out, I'd totally investigate Annette Bening.

Gwyneth Paltrow needs to stop wearing dresses exactly the same colour as her skin. She is much too putty-coloured to wear a putty-coloured gown! Beautiful style, like a mermaid dress, but flaring out below the hip instead of the knees, which is much more flattering. It even fits at the tits, as opposed to the dress she wore when she won her Oscar, only the colour is a disaster. I don't know whether Gwyneth speaks either French or Spanish, but she can certainly pronounce Spanish and French. The Sea Inside wins.

Best Screenplay From Another Medium. Go Eternal Sunshine! It was so completely robbed, not being nominated for director or picture, it has to win. And it does! Yay! I'm still 100% in the pool. What will I do with that $10? Maybe I'll travel. I think even if I blow Picture and/or Director, I'll still win. Obviously, I'll get Best Actor, you'd have to be living in a cave or be related to Don Cheadle to think that anyone other than Jamie Fox is getting anywhere near that Oscar.

And, co-incidentally, Charlize Thearon, no longer with Aeon Flux's hair, is presenting that very award! If Jamie doesn't win, that'll be the biggest upset since...ever. It would be like Lord of the Rings losing last year. Great heavens, why is Johnny Depp dressed like a gay cowboy? Gay pirate, thats how he should dress!

Yep, Jamie Fox wins for Ray. The least surprising award since, well, since The Incredibles, earlier this evening. It must be a little disappointing to be the favourite, and having everyone on earth roll their eyes and say, "Yeah, whatever," when you win an Oscar! The greatest thing in the whole world, and you get it! You get it, and the world snoozes. What the hell, you still have a fucking Oscar, that ain't bad.

Julia Roberts has breast-feeding tits, that's for sure! And Clint Eastwood wins for Best Director. I knew I picked right on the pool, I knew that after waiting for this many years and this many great movies, they wouldn't give Scorsese the Oscar for that movie that wasn't worthy of him. Make another great film, Marty, I know you can do it.

Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand are presenting Best Picture. Now this was the one that I went off-rails with. I voted for Sideways, just because I wanted it to win. It'll be Million Dollar Baby, there's almost no question, but I'd like to see the little film that could make it up that hill. And yeah, it's Million Dollar Baby, so now I'm 87 1/2% on the pool, seven right and the tie-breaker, beat that, rest of the cast! I leave you in my dust, suckers.

Shit, it took me over five hours to watch this show. Maybe I'll even post it tonight!

Today's horoscope:
Your emotions are quite literally tumbling out of your mouth. That goes double for the most especially intense feelings -- which, admittedly, won't be easy to hide. But if you can't keep your mouth shut, let's face it -- no one can.

One year ago today:
It's a good role for a (what one review calls) "plushly upholstered" girl, Omar is certainly a man that any girl, plushly upholstered or not, would be happy to go on a killing spree with, and it's a great story.

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Last Updated Mon 28 February 03:18:09 2005