I'm sitting here at work, reading journals saved to my laptop desktop. The snow just started outside. I'm not as sad as I was last night, even though I wasn't so much sad as filled with despair. And not even new despair, but the old, resigned kind. Anyway, whatever it is, I think I was ovulating anyway, and it's better today.

If I thought like that all the time, I would be dead. So best not to.

On Tuesday I had rehearsal with Maggie and Russ after five hours of sleep, which is getting less and less fun as time goes on, but they are leaving town for a week to shoot a movie in Portugal, so that'll give me time to catch up on my sleep.

We only ran through it once, but Maggie is really getting it! Russ was good, but not intense or concentrated enough, and I had to give the note "Stop picking up your cues!" which goes in the record books along with, "For God's sake, indicate!"

I didn't want to run it again, so I just went to work, getting there an hour early. If only I had brought my library books that I need to return, I would have gone to the library. And if I hadn't left my knitting at work, I would have gone to the post office and sent the package (including the celery scarf) to Mom.

But I didn't have any of those things, so I went to the park and sat on a bench for awhile and read, then wandered over to Williams Sonoma. Man, that place is evil! And whomever they have designing their packaging should be kept locked in a box, because they could bring Hitler back to power, they market things so well.

I mean, it's worse than Restoration Hardware, in terms of walking through the door and desperately needing things you never heard of, what they do it package things in such a way to make them look as though they are worth the ridiculous prices they are charging.

Like the cake mix! The $24 cake mix that totally seems worth every single penny, it is in such a nice box and everything is so cleverly worded. And it's not as though you don't realize that it is cake mix, you just think "Yes, of course! This cake mix is absolutely worth $24! In fact, they should charge more! This is the most valuable cake mix in all the land!"

Fortunately, I am poor and managed to get out of there without buying something really expensive that I don't need just because it is in a really great box.

Besides the Dark Teatime of the Soul, it was a pretty good day yesterday--I didn't have to go to work because there was a matinee, so I slept until noon, I puttered around, I didn't write entries like I meant to, but managed to send out an usher call for Hell Month (i.e. March) and write out a list of instructions for Peter, who ran the box for me last night, finally sent off the celery scarf and my tax booklets to Mom, and even did a little grocery shopping.

Wow, I didn't think I did that much until I typed it out! I was a whirlwind yesterday!

Anyway, then I had rehearsal, and I am getting so bored with this show. And we don't even open for two weeks! I'm so used to short rehearsal periods that when there's a longer one my attention span is not up to it. I need to learn my lines by Saturday, but so far I have never once looked at the script outside of rehearsal. Which is not at lame and unprofessional as it sounds--it's a pretty small role.

Mark showed me the script of the new show he's doing, which is a melancholy piece about two unhappy, broken people finding each other, and as I type this out, I realize that that's exactly what set me off last night. Especially since the once thing I didn't like about the script were the last two pages, the part where it becomes a happy ending. I thought that it was a betrayal to the script and the characters to let it end up all happy--a connection made instead of a connection missed.

Yeah, that was pretty much it. Realizing that I'm too old and too fat to play the female character in the piece, but other that that, I was perfect for it, because I can play an empty husk with the best of them.

It's really coming down out there. I hope somebody comes to the show tonight--not that I still don't want shows to die and be failures so that my show won't have been the only disaster, but since I get paid a percentage of the box, I'd rather make money than not.

But still, fuck everyone who comes to see it that didn't see my show. Seriously. I'm not over it yet.

Today's horoscope:
The next two days will be surprising, to say the least. The very least. A dear one's proclamation will catch you off guard -- as it will all other parties concerned. That doesn't mean it won't be a positive thing.

One year ago today:
On the way home, we were on the bus and he put his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder and said, "Monsieur le Chat is going to have no props and be on an empty stage." He agreed wholeheartedly.

* Yesterday / Index / This Month / Tomorrow *

E-Mail / In the Belly of the Hedgehog

Graphics by the rosy pink Saundra!

This page was written by hand. My hand. Only pussies use HTML editors.
Last Updated Thurs 24 February 16:55:09 2005