For those of you who have already read my semi-annual complaints about how no-one will ever love me and I'll die alone, you can skip this. There's nothing new under this sun.

It has occurred to me that this is my life and it's never going to change. I mean, it's been pretty much the same thing every day for the past fifteen years, it is unlikely to suddenly get better with a magic twinkle and a spray of stardust. It is what it is, and mostly I'm okay with that.

But not today. Right now, what I am in the middle of is a moment of clarity, where I see my life all in sharp outlines, no greyness to soften the edges, harshly lit, very very clear. And it's just awful.

I mean, there are girls lots and lots uglier than I am who are in happy relationships, who have boyfriends, who have love lives, what is so very repellant about me? Why is it that boys don't look at me and think of me as a person to date? I do own a mirror and often am not horrified with my appearance, why does everyone else seem to be?

Or maybe it's not that they think that I'm ugly, just that I'm invisible. People don't see me or think of me, and I know that I'm a little standoffish and hold people at arms length, but I'm generally friendly and my hair is usually combed and I don't get it. All I know is this is the way that it is.

So I fall for guys who never look at me in any way other than as a pal, and that has been for my entire life. You may ask why I always choose men who aren't interested in me? Am I sabotaging myself on purpose, because if I always shoot out of my league then there is no chance of not being rejected and I'm safe as long as I'm on my own?

Well, no. It's like asking why do you choose men who have legs below their torsos and heads above? Because that's all that exist. Human beings are shaped that way, and thats what lives on this planet. I choose men who don't want me, because that's all that there is.

I know it sounds as if I'm being appallingly sorry for myself, but I'm not. I'm just seeing things clearly.

Here's the thing, though. I'm 40 years old, and if anything was going to ever be different, it would be by now. The idea that 50 and 60 are ahead of me and nothing is ever going to change is kind of, well, agonizing. If I felt this way every day, I know I'd die, don't think I could stand seeing my life this clearly.

I will always be Mary Stuart Masterson, I will never be Lea Thompson.

Today's horoscope:
Thanks to the stars, we'll all be quite emotional, both today and tomorrow -- but you'll be the poster child for just letting go. When you feel yourself getting ready to do some serious rebelling, don't fight it.

One year ago today:
In my year ago today link, I talk about my little Elvis dying. I still miss him. Next time I get cats, I won't have them all be around the same age so that there is this hideous death parade.

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Last Updated Fri 25 February 15:21:09 2005