Goddamn five goddamn hours of goddamn sleep last goddamn night. Fucking motherfucking allergies. Who invented snot? I demand to know who invented snot and roast them over a slow fire! Not to mention the people who invented the 24 hour Allavert, which basically are as effective as orange-flavoured St. Joseph's children's aspirin would be to an adult with allergies.

I tried to go back to sleep for a couple of hours to no avail, then got up and went to McDonald's for breakfast. When I got to the front, the counter girl told me that they were out of sausage biscuits, that breakfast was over. I looked hard and pointedly at the clock that clearly said 10.53a, then said, "You're out of both sausage and biscuits? Are you sure?"

Little miss new counter girl with the bad ghetto lipliner said yes, it was all gone, but I was really asking the guy in the back who actually makes the damn things, and I made my eyes all big and blinky, and he said that if I didn't mind waiting for four minutes, he'd make me a biscuit.

And a good thing, too, since the last time I had no sleep I didn't get my breakfast because the shop was closed, and if I had not gotten it twice in a row I would have started taking hostages. Don't mess with me when I'm sleep-deprived, full of snot, and jonesing for a fat and salt-laden breakfast!

I watched the terrifically entertaining "Captain Douchebag" episode of The Restaurant. What a treat!

There was this apprentice, you see, who was hanging around the restaurant, supposedly observing but instead pitching in and doing stuff. At one point, he was at the hostess station, and he picked up the phone when it rang. It was Rocco, who was pissed as hell that this guy was picking up the phone when he wasn't an employee. Rocco ripped the guy a new one, asked to speak to the hostess, and the guy passed the phone over saying, "It's Captain Douchebag." And Rocco said, "What the fuck did that guy just call me?"

It was fantastic. The best part was that for the rest of the show, they said "Captain Douchebag" over and over and over again, very seriously discussing the issue, and it had become my new favourite phrase. I'm adding it to my repertoire toute suite.

I think it's a much better show this season. Frankly, it's almost as fake-ass seeming as last year, but at least they're not constantly shilling for American Express Small Business Loans and Coors beer.

Snoop Dogg was pretty funny on SNL, which I watched yesterday afternoon. He must have had as much fun rapping badly as Stevie Wonder had singing badly years ago.

"Yo, my momma died yesterday/For real, y'all, I mean it/My moms is dead, I don't have a mom/Think about that/And I couldn't even get to the funeral/'Cause they didn't have no ramps/So I had to sit outside in my wheelchair in the rain/And I got all wet in the wheelchair/The wheelchair, the wheelchair, don't forget about the wheelchair/I gotta use a special toilet."

Said by Dick Button during the Marshall's World Challenge yesterday afternoon after Miki Ando fell, "If that doesn't put a fanizzle in her shanizzle, nothing else will!"

And a cry went round the nation, that Snoop-speak is officially ovah!

Today's horoscope:
If you're fighting hard to maintain the status quo, maybe you shouldn't be. Accept the idea that things might be different -- and think about exactly what you want your role to be.

One year ago today:
BONNIE
Why aren't you and Omar married? When are you and Omar getting married?

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Last Updated Wed 19 May 01:03:09 2004