Thoughts while watching the Oscars:

Look at people rushing to their seats after the show starts! I guess they didn't pay attention to that "We're starting now and we really mean it" announcement!

These opening film clips are fucking brilliant, I don't know how the show can actually do anything but go downhill from here. And I also see how he can't possibly do it every year, he and his team will need to recharge for months afterwards. And it's only the first five minutes of the show!

Charlize Theron scared the bejeezus out of Mel Gibson in her movie? Was that an error on Billy's part or a joke I don't so much get?

What's wrong with Johnny Depp? He is well-dressed and he shaved! Must be a mistake.

I find it amazing that Sofia Coppola is the first American woman ever nominated for an Oscar for directing. It's 2004, for Chrissakes. Let alone that she's the only third woman nominated at all.

Who did they just show while Billy was singing about Russell Crowe in Master and Commander. Was it Russell's seat-filler? He looked a little like Russ did in The Insider, but otherwise a complete stranger.

Jesus, Catherine Zeta Jones looks amazing. That's her "Remember me huge and pregnant last year?" look.

On the van tonight, I was listening to a conversation behind me where a guy was saying that some newsman had said that Djimon Hounsou was a terrorist, because he was born in Africa and raised in France, and the guy answering said, "Yeah, you've got to watch out for all those terrorists masquerading as Oscar nominated actors!"

Tim Robbins wins Best Supporting Actor for Mystic River, no shock there! But he looks great, which is quite a shock, frankly. Now he and Susan are a two Oscar household.

Jesus, who told Marcia Gay Harden that that gigantic beehive was a good idea? She looks rather as though she belongs in the bus and truck company of Hairspray. In the Harvey Fierstein role.

That was the clip they chose to show for Lord of the Rings? Do they figure that everyone saw it, so they don't need to show anything interesting in any way?

Lord of the Rings wins for Art Direction. Does this mark the start of a sweep? Only time will tell. About five more hours of it.

Hey, they showed Diane Keaton and she is dressed like Annie Hall! Will that mean good luck?

Somebody shut up Robin Williams before I start screaming.

Best Animated Film, Finding Nemo. Had anyone else won, even the wonderful Triplets of Belleville, every child in America would have risen as one and slain the entire Academy, the streets of Hollywood would have run red with their blood.

Renee Zellweger, you look so beautiful! Please don't skeleton down again! It's nice to see your collarbones without fearing that you might slash your sheets with them if you turn over in your sleep.

Lord of the Rings wins for Costume Design. Still too early to be talking about a sweep, but I think there's a pretty good chance of it. The second winner to be married to his childhood sweetheart, it's very darling.

I should be packing, I should be ticking things off my voluminous to-do list, but no. The call of the Oscars is too strong. I haven't even bought the cat carrying case yet! Thank goodness it's a 5p flight.

There's that stranger again, it must be Peter Weir. I was confused because Billy was singing about Russell, not about Master and Commander. I feel no shame, Peter Weir's face is not exactly on every billboard covering the land.

Renee Zellweger wins Best Supporting Actress for Cold Mountain, again, no shock. Last year was all about the shocks and the surprise wins, you can't have two of those kinds of years in a row, our hearts couldn't stand it. Besides, Renee was the best thing in that film. People have said that she's in a different film than everyone else--they're right, and it's a much better film.

Tom Hanks is giving a tribute to Bob Hope, so they are showing everyone in the audience old enough to have known him personally, Mickey Rooney and Julie Andrews. They're showing clips from his eighteen times as Oscar host. Billy is a piker compared to him.

Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller are presenting. They are unlikely to be back next year accepting for Starsky and Hutch, so they might as well show up now.

Two Soldiers wins for Best Live Action Short. I don't think I voted for that one in either of my Oscar ballots, for Elizabeth's contest and for Kelly's party. There were two winners and one vomited up the phone book, leaving no time for the other to speak. Of course, perhaps only one is allowed to speak and I wasn't paying attention the other times there were multiple winners.

Harvey Krumpet wins for Best Animated Short. I definitely didn't vote for that one either time. With the shorts you pretty much vote for which title you like the best. Aha, this time both of them got to speak. So the other guy was just being selfish. On the other hand, were I up there accepting an Oscar they'd have to get the hook to get me off.

There's Liv Tyler, the first possibility for the Worst Dressed at the Oscars award on Fashion Police. Her hair is marginally worse than Marcia Gay Harden's, all poofed over onto one side, and she is wearing hornrim glasses. It's sort of a "1950's Era Secretary With Bad Taste and No Money Goes to the Oscars" look. And why is she speaking like a mildly dim Marilyn Monroe imitator?

Alison Krauss, the most beautiful voice in music today, is singing "You Will Be My Ain True Love" from Cold Mountain, my choice for Best Song. She is accompanied by Sting, playing the hurdy-gurdy. I can't believe that this is 2004 and this is the first appearance by a hurdy-gurdy at the Oscars! At least I think it's a hurdy-gurdy. Or maybe I just like typing hurdy-gurdy over and over again. Hurdy-gurdy hurdy-gurdy hurdy-gurdy. There, that's out of my system.

And now Alison is singing "Scarlet Tide". The more Alison Krauss the better, frankly. You'll get no argument out of me on this one. Elvis Costello is playing a guitar, how dull after the...well, you know.

Liv Tyler just put her glasses back on. Aha, they aren't a fashion statement, they are actually to see. Who knew? If there is ever a time for contacts, though, the Oscars is kind of it.

Annie Lennox is singing "Into the West" from Lord of the Rings. A nice song, but it ain't no "You Will Be My Ain True Love". What's with the fake tan, Annie? You're Scottish for crying out loud, you're supposed to be pasty white.

Lord of the Rings wins for Best Visual Effects. I typed that while they were still reading the nominations. Let's see if I'm right. And I was! That was kind of a gimme, I didn't need the full strength of my psychic powers for that one. One of them just thanked his "brilliant Kiwi (pause) effects team." He should have stopped at Kiwi, everyone would have been wondering for weeks why he was thanking a small fuzzy green fruit.

Aha, no wonder they showed Julie Andrews while Jim Carrey was muttering strangely, he's introducing a tribute to Blake Edwards. I thought they were getting the camera off of him before he turned into Robin Williams. Blake sped through on a wheelchair, grabbed the Oscar and crashed through the wall. Frankly, he can't top that entrance, he should just skip the speech. Nah, it was lovely.

Bill Murray: "Four days into shooting, certain members of our Tokyo crew politely asked if they could quit the film. They did not feel that the director knew what she was doing. We were politely refused."

Lord of the Rings wins for Best Makeup. Clearly, they are going to win for every single thing possible, including Best Catering and Best Teamster Drivers. The winner seems to have spackled as much makeup on himself as he possibly could in order to show his prowess.

Blah blah of the blah wins for Best Sound Mixing. Since when is the award called Best Sound Mixing rather than Best Sound? We are clearly into the dull awards part of the evening. Am I strong enough not to start fast-forwarding my TiVo? I am not. I don't think that anyone not related to these guys wouldn't.

Master and Commander wins for Sound Editing. Not an upset, because Lord of the Rings wasn't actually nominated for this award. And since when is it called Sound Editing rather than Sound Effects Editing? They're just trying to confuse me.

Billy: "It's now official, there is no-one left in New Zealand to thank."

Why is Julia Roberts wearing Farrah Fawcett's old hair?

I'm starting to think that this will never end. Don't they know I have to pack? And wash the dishes? Let's move this sucker along.

Best Documentary Short Subject, Chernobyl Heart. She doesn't look too happy, but I suppose it would be unseemly to be jumping up and down with joy as they show pictures of cancer-striken babies.

Best Documentary is The Fog of War. Amazing to have three out of five of the nominees in this category having been widely released. Good for Errol Morris for winning at last, he's one of the few documentarians that people can actually name. And how cheefully honest of him to say, "I'd like to thank the Academy for finally recognizing my work!"

It's 2 1/2 hours in and the end is nowhere in sight. Why do they even bother giving it a three hour time slot? It hasn't been three hours long since 1931.

Lord of the Rings wins for Best Score, this is a steamroller that just. Isn't. Stopping. Who wants to be the one guy from this movie who loses in his category?

And it didn't happen now, it wins for Best Editing. Anyone who voted in their respective Oscar pools for anything else for Best Pictre or Director is a real sucker.

Billy: "Do you know that people are moving to New Zealand just to be thanked?"

And here's the highlight of the show after the opening sequences, Mitch and Mickey singing "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow". And possibly the first appearance on the Oscars by an autoharp! I voted for "You Will Be My Ain True Love". I love "You Will Be My Ain True Love". My heart will not break if "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow" wins instead.

Heavens, the song from The Triplets of Belleville actually has understandable lyrics, who knew?

Jack Black and Will Ferrell are presenting Best Song, but first they are singing the lyrics to the "play off" music. "This is it, your time is through, you're boring." Terrifically funny.

Of course, "Into the West" wins for crying out loud. That was not the best song, but it's nice to see Annie Lennox win an Oscar. Especially since she is so clearly thrilled out of her mind.

Now, if that's a fake tan that Charlize Theron is sporting, at least it looks natural on her, she's African!

Best Foreign Language Film Lord of the Rings. Whoops, I wasn't paying attention, it's The Barbarian Invasions. Hell, all that Elvish could have made it eligible! Ha, she just stole my joke, "We're so thankful that Lord of the Rings did not qualify in this category."

Jude Law and Uma Thurman are presenting together. Too much beauty standing together on one stage, the audience may just be struck blind.

Master and Commander wins for Best Cinematography, I thought it was an upset until I rewound and saw that Lord of the Rings wasn't actually nominated. I guess they keep showing Peter Weir because he is the only person from that film actually in the audience tonight.

Sofia Coppola is proving how much better a director than an actor she is by reading the Best Adapted Screenplay nominees in a dull monotone. Go American Splendor! C'mon, baby, upset! Nope, dammit. Lord of the Rings again. Sweeps are pretty dull, frankly.

Best Adapted Screenplay, I'll be thrilled if it's either In America or Lost in Translation. Yay, it's Lost in Translation!! My first real chance to be thrilled tonight, at the 3hr 5min mark. She didn't thank Scarlett Johanson, and neither did Bill Murray at the Golden Globes. Didn't they like her?

What's left? Best Actor, Actress, Director and Picture, I think. I may get some sleep tonight. I usually stay up all night before a flight, but even I can't do that when I have a 5p flight.

In a shocking upset, Peter Jackson wins Best Direction for Lord of the Rings. Hey look, I'm running out of stuff to say!

Adrian Brody is giving out Best Actress, I hope whomever wins really plants one on him, he just sprayed some Binaca. And Charlize Theron wins, but she didn't dip him. Another unsurprising win. It's hard at the end of the night when every single frontrunner nabbed it to be thrilled. Sorry, Charlize! You can be bored if someday I'm the frontrunner in your category.

On the other hand, if Bill Murray wins Best Actor, I will be extremely thrilled! Nope, it's Sean Penn. Well, it was between the two of them, it's not as though Bill was completely robbed, Sean deserved it just as much.

Best Picture, hey, maybe it'll be Lost in Translation! And maybe I'll make my flight tomorrow without having to chase my plane down the runway. Yeah, you guessed it, Lord of the Rings. At least I can go to bed now for a few hours.

Today's horoscope:
Either you invented this program, or you use it more than anyone else. Your good fortune is far beyond beginner's luck. The mood is exuberant when everyone wants to sign up for your training sessions.

One year ago today:
So yesterday I did not work for 11 hours for once. Nope, I worked for 13 hours instead!

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Last Updated Mon 1 March 02:18:09 2004