Thoughts while watching the Golden Globes:

Ooh, bad naughty Golden Globes! That song they are playing over the stars entrances, that "My baby loves to blah blah blah" song (I'm too old to actually know what it is or who is playing it) that they re-wrote the lyrics for, as I'm almost certain that it didn't originally mention Tom Cruise and Charlize Theron, is a lift from the Oscars!

You see, when I saw movies at the Academy over Christmas, they would play a commercial for the Oscars before the movie started, and the used that song! And the Golden Globes are on first, so they stole it! For shame.

Supporting Actor. I'd love it if Peter Sarsgaard wins for Shattered Glass, but one doubts it. And he didn't, Tim Robbins won for Mystic River. He really is brilliant in the role. He said the great thing about going first is that now he gets to drink while the rest of the nominees have to wait. Ha! I've seen this show before, nobody waits.

Here are the Sex and the City girls. They look like Greek goddesses, except for Sarah Jessica, who looks like she's the ballerina on a music box. A very chic ballerina.

Yay! Anthony LaPaglia won Best Actor in a Drama Series for Without a Trace! I'd have rather Billy Petersen won, but Anthony LaPaglia is my second choice. He just said, "This is great, now I'm gonna get to drink with Tim!" His Australian accent is peeking through. It's funny, for years he hid it so well that nobody knew that he wasn't a New Yorker, but now he can relax a little and just let the Aussie vowel sounds flow. A teeny bit. Wow, is his wife breastfeeding or is she built like that normally? Ah, he just mentioned his daughter just turned one, that answers that question.

They just showed Amber Tamblyn, and I thought "What's Enid doing there?" She and Thora Birch could definitely play sisters.

Frances Conroy wins Actress in a Drama Series for Six Feet Under. What's with those gloves? Am I out of my mind or don't they really match the dress? They're a little too bright and shiny.

Melanie Griffith really should calm down with the plastic surgery, she's starting to look permanently goosed. She should look to Patricia Clarkson as an example of how to look your age and still be beautiful. Too late to grow old gracefully, I guess. We're all waiting for the moment when I start lifting my tits and erasing my lines, then I'll take back everything I ever said about plastic surgery.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. Renee Zellweger, of course, she's the biggest star in the category and the only one not in an independent flick. Also, she's the best thing in that somewhat tiresome movie--she overplays it slightly, but there is so much feeling underneath it that it doesn't appear false. She's still got Bridget Jones' tits, I see. Look up, Renee, you're on TV.

I have never seen anything so sweet in my life than the look on Kevin Coster's face when they introduced his daughter as Miss Golden Globe. So proud and dear.

Best Comedy Series. The Office is getting huge laughs, I'd love it if it won. Hey, Friends wasn't nominated! Wait, The Office won! How the hell did that happen? The best show really won!! They all look so tiny, the actors up there. Is that because there is a giant standing behind them or are they all really ants?

Uma "Eat your heart out Ethan" Thurman is looking gorgeous. What kind of insane lunatic would cheat on her? You'd have to be really spoiled to think that you could get better than her by stepping out.

Angels in America wins Best TV Movie. I taped it but haven't watched it yet, but I saw it on stage and cannot imagine anything possibly being better.

Best Actress in a TV Movie. Why did they not show Meryl Streep when they said her name? She must be there, she gave out the first award half an hour ago. And she wins for Angels in America! Aha, she was backstage. "I just realized that you can see completely through my dress, so now I am standing with them together."

Best Actress in a Comedy Series. I'd love it if Bonnie Hunt wins! Hell, it worked with The Office! Nope, it's Sarah Jessica Parker. There's something sort of melancholy when an actor wins when they've already finished shooting the last season.

Boy, Christina Ricci looks exactly like Wednesday Addams again! Her hair is pulled back, but maybe it's the black dress.

Ashton Kutcher is presenting, and they showed Brittany Murphy in the audience, I imagine hoping that she would be sneering or making a face, but she's no fool, she's clapping happily.

Will all of the supporting actors in Angels in America cancel each other out? Nope, Geoffrey Wright wins Best Supporting Actor in a TV Show. Hey, he won the Tony for that part, it's no big surprise that he's still amazing in the role.

O dear Lord, Robin Williams is presenting. Please don't let him improvise too long. Or at all, hopefully. O good, he's just introducing the film clip of Master and Commander. There's still a chance the show will end on time.

Best Actress in a Comedy Movie. Diane Lane just cheered for herself, she's either been drinking or knows that she hasn't a chance. And she doesn't, Diane Keaton wins for Something's Gotta Give. She wrote her entire speech out, not just notes to remember. It's weird, she's both reading it as though she has never seen it before (did someone else write it?) and laughing spontaneously. I'm pleased for her, Scarlett Johansson has plenty of time, but I loved Lost in Translation so much.

But Bill Murray won Best Actor in a Comedy! I'm so thrilled, he's deserved recognition for so many years and was so completely brilliant.

Did Johnny Depp wander into the building from preparing for a role of a homeless guy by sparing change on Hollywood Blvd? There's no other excuse for that hat. Not to mention the coat.

Is Antonio Banderas' accent getting thicker? He's starting to sound like Charo.

And here to present, two people you've never heard of from a movie released in January that probably isn't any good!

Best Drama Series is 24. He says he's had three years to prepare for this moment, apparently, he left all of his excitement behind in that preparation. He sounds bored out of his tree.

And Ricky Gervais wins Best Actor in a Comedy for The Office! As the camera pans about, trying to find him. His seat is so bad, they must have expected him to lose.

"Some of the biggest stars in the world are still up for awards tonight, we'll see them all and more on The Globes." Suddenly Golden Globes is too long to say? Are they trying to be cooler? Suddenly, it's the JLo of awards shows.

Lord of the Rings wins for Best Score. A pity vote? We shall see. Also, Best Song. Over "You Will Be My Ain True Love" from Cold Mountain, which I disagree with, since that's such a terrific song.

Speaking of JLo, there she is, proving that even the Spanish girls look silly when they overdose on the fake tan. When is that shiny, non-powdered look going to go out of fashion? There's a reason why we prefer not to look as though we have rubbed our face all over with bacon grease!

Sofia Coppola wins for Best Screenplay, yay! Go, Lost in Translation!

Now we'll see whether the Sex and the City girls cancel each other out for Best Supporting Actress on TV. And they did, because Mary-Louise Parker wins. I never liked her until Billy Crudup dumped her at 8 1/2 months pregnant, but now I'm all about Mary-Louise. Did she name her baby after some other William or is Billy forgiven for being a the biggest shitheel ever to have lived?

Danny DeVito is giving Michael Douglas the DeMille award, also known as the time to go to the kitchen or the bathroom. Danny proves that your best friend for forty years shouldn't give you these awards, since his speech sounds like a bad wedding toast.

Sharon Stone is introducing him now. She just paused for applause for a really really long time, but there was no applause. The audience are all too drunk to pay attention anymore. Either that or she was thanking him for casting her in Basic Instinct and giving her a career and they are not happy about that. "Thanks a lot, Michael," they mutter beneath their collective breath.

Best Director, Peter Jackson for Lord of the Rings. The other directors look as though they are genuinely pleased and that they aren't even acting, because this trilogy is such a huge achievement that who can begrudge his victory? Dustin Hoffman looked thrilled to be giving the award to a man shorter than he is.

Why did the Best Actor in a TV Movie nominees get clips of their performances shown and the actresses didn't? They think the show is going to be too short? Or did the women? No, I don't remember anything from Angels in America for Meryl Streep. Wait, let me scroll up. Yes, it was Best Actress and not Supporting. Unfair!

Al Pacino wins in the Angels in America sweep, no great shock there. Roy Leibman and F. Murray Abraham were so great onstage that it's a shame that neither of them were big enough stars to get the part, but at least they lost out to a great genius. Geniuses, however, shouldn't talk extemporaneously. Aha, he just mentioned Ron Leibman and F. Murray Abraham! All is forgiven, Al, natter on as long as you like.

What the hell is the Duchess of York doing there? As neither a performer or a director or a screenwriter, there is not a reason in the world for her to be on that stage, even if she is introducing a British film, Love Actually. Apparently, all of the hundreds of actual actors in that film were busy, but the ex-royal had a free night.

Jesus God, somebody feed Nicole Kidman, she looks like an ad for famine relief. She's handing out Best Actor in a Drama, so everyone would love it if Tom Cruise won and she had to hand it to him. Sean Penn won for Mystic River, but Clint Eastwood is accepting because Sean is home with the fam.

Now the announcer is not only saying "The Globes", he's saying "The Ga-LOBES!" He's getting loopier as the evening wears on.

Pierce Brosnan just pronounced Monsieur Ibrahim as Monsignor Ibrahim. Since I believe that the film is about a Muslin, that sure changes the plot if he is suddenly a priest. Osama wins for Best Foreign Language Film.

Charlize Theron wins Best Actress in a Drama for Monster, no shock there. I haven't seen the film, but from what I understand, she is extraordinary. Poor Scarlett, two-time loser at nineteen.

Heavens, Jim Carrey has shaved his head. The problem when you play a character who dies of cancer is that if you do shave your head later, you still look like Andy Kaufman going through chemo. Yay! My beloved Lost in Translation wins for Best Comedy Film!

Best Dramatic Film, Lord of the Rings. I guess the music awards weren't to make up for the fact that they weren't getting anything else!

And even with Danny DeVito's rambling speech, the show comes down ontime. That may be an awards show first!

Today's horoscope:
The decision is going against you. If you intend to collect your winnings and head out of town, this is the time. A less drastic action might be staying around to work out a compromise.

One year ago today:
David absolutely slew me playing a ventriloquist who would have conversations with his dummy--practically the funniest thing that I have ever seen in my life was David talking completely seriously to the dummy, not winking at the audience at all, holding his tiny wooden hand.

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Last Updated Mon 26 January 22:19:09 2004