So, while I was in LA, from New Year's Day on, Omar and I talked on the phone practically every day for at least half an hour, sometimes an hour. Just constant contact, constant closeness, constant, well, constancy.

Now, it's not as though I shouldn't know better, since our relationship never stays the same for longer than a couple of weeks, but I always think "This is the way it is and the way it always will be," whether it's good or bad. The one thing that always remains the same, though, is the fact that we can and do tell each other anything.

Anyway, last week I got an email from him saying that his parents had gone ballistic over the cell bill, and that the two people that he talks to the most are his wife and me. They could understand his wife, but he had to do a big tap dance of justification about me. So, he said, he had to cool it on the phone for awhile, but we could still talk on weekends and email and things.

Of course, this meant that I never heard from him again.

I emailed him telling him that I would be coming home on Saturday and did he want to go to Kelly's party with me on Sunday, or maybe we could get together this week and blah blah blah fishcakes to a deafening silence. So I, as I always do, was all fuck him, I'm never speaking to him again, I hope he lives for the rest of his life miserable and alone.

So the day before yesterday, he emailed me and called me both, asking if I was alright, if I'm back in NY and he's all worried because he hasn't heard from me in days. Well! I stared at this email thinking, "Moron." I answered him that it wasn't that he wasn't hearing from me, it was that I wasn't hearing from him, and that I had emailed him several days before suggesting that we get together and he hadn't answered and there was only so many times that I could run face-first into that wall in a row.

I think I also mentioned something about his mommy not letting him call me, but I can't be certain. I was a little irritated.

So he called me last night, apparently figuring out that if he has free weekends, he has free evenings, and we talked as though we always talk every day for half an hour.

One of the things that I always tell him is that being high-strung is an indulgence, and if he wants to get anywhere as an actor, he cannot be such a slave to his moods. Sometimes you have to do something because you have to or you should, not because you want to or you feel up to it.

Well, I need to take my own advice. Because Omar is inconstant, I know that, but just because he's not talking to me every day doesn't mean that we are not in each other's lives. He told me recently that he will love me always, and I do believe this completely, I don't doubt his love, I just doubt whether he'll be around.

Basically, I need to calm the hell down. I believe that we are a permanent part of each other's lives, I believe that I am as important to him as he is to me (or nearly) so what's happening on a day by day basis isn't the be-all and the end-all. If we don't talk today, it doesn't mean that I'll never see him again, and if we do, it doesn't mean that we'll be moving in together tomorrow.

Of course, we talked last night and we're seeing each other on Friday or Saturday, and it's easy to think that I can handle radio silence when we aren't in radio silence.

So we'll see.

Today's horoscope:
Attempted or completed sabotage throws events onto a different course. Surprises make you a little crazy, but on a certain level they're stimulating. You're happy to see the original colors once you shake off the dust.

One year ago today:
How can someone rape someone, let alone someone that they know? How much do you have to hate yourself for that to happen? How much to you have to view her as not actually being a person? Can you rape her without that?

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Last Updated Thurs 22 January 13:46:09 2004