Getting up at 4a after going to bed at midnight is nobody's idea of a good time, but I had no choice. See?

Last week I realized that if I wanted to go on the show, I needed to go to the ticket booth and see if they had anything available. I was hoping that there would be a return or two, as you haven't been able to get them by mail for my vacation dates for ages.

So I went, and they had tickets for every single taping day! Now, having a ticket is no guarantee of admittance, as they overbook, but having a ticket is closer to being on the show than not having a ticket. They give out the priority numbers starting at 6a, and that's when you find out really whether you will be on or not.

Starting at 6a. That means that you have to get there before 6a. I thought that 5a would be good, which required getting up at 4a and leaving the house at 4.30a. We actually got there at 4.45a (man, traffic is great at 4.30a, there being none of it!).

Mom dropped me off in the already well-established line and went off to park the car. I had a magazine with me, but it was as dark as the inside of my mouth and no streetlight conveniently overhead, so I was forced to chat with the people around me. Forced being a strong word, as everyone was really friendly, but you know me and talking to strangers.

Mom joined me in line, and I ran across the street to the smartest Bagel Shop in captivity, actually being open at 4.45a to accommodate the Price is Right crowd. I got a bagel and a Jones soda, with a very dull photo of tomatoes on the label ( vote for my label again!) and Mom got a coffee. A real coffee. With caffeine. That shows you that it was an unusual day right there!

Man, winter in Los Angeles is nice, you can stand outside before 5a in a t-shirt and sandals and a jacket and be perfectly comfortable! If this show was shot in NY, they'd have some sparse audiences in the winter, particularly this winter.

Finally, a bit after 6a, we started moving and got our ticket numbers, #69 and #70, and went home for a few hours, not being called back until 10a. Mom napped a little, I watched the Today Show, as I didn't think that laying down for an hour would do anything other than make me more tired.

So yeah, we went back at 10a and lines up in numerical order. So basically, if you are stuck next to an asshole at 4.30a, you are stuck with them all day! The people on either side of us, though, were great--the couple from Orlando behind us, who had tried to get on the show five years before, but Bob had an operation and the show that they had tickets for was canceled, and the couple from Ohio in front of us. I think they were a couple, I only ever talked to the husband, who was the recipient of all of my snide remarks during the show.

It was a long wait, since taping didn't start until 2.30p, but the studio sits over 200 and they had a great deal of stuff to do with us. And of course, the larger a group you have, the stupider it gets, so there were a lot of repeated announcement. You could tell what people get wrong on a regular basis from the number of times it was repeated. For instance, the fact that you had to fill in your form with your LEGAL NAME! The first name on your BIRTH CERTIFICATE! Even if you have NEVER BEEN CALLED that name! NO abbreviations or nicknames! That was repeated about seven times.

Which explains the Kimberly. No Kymm for me!

So first there was the getting us in order on our benches, then there was the filling out of the forms, the collecting of the forms, the checking of IDs, and the writing of nametags, which all had to be done before being interviewed by the judges. There was also the putting of cameras and cell phones in the car, so that's it for shots at CBS.

There was this group of cheerleaders in pink shirts from Texas A&M sitting across from us, who kept practicing this Bob Barker cheer and telling these long involved jokes to each other that all started, "Got a little story to tell you, Ags", and involved many whoops. Aggies do very particular whoops. I know this because I heard these whoops about twenty million times. They also yell out "Gig 'em!"

I believe the stereotype for Aggies are that they are stupid and loud, right? Well, if not, these girls were doing a terrible disservice to Aggies past and present. I could not stop singing the Aggie song from Whorehouse under my breath.

But a funny thing happened. As the day wore on, I started minding them less rather than more, because this was something that we were all going through together. It's a very binding experience, this line, knowing that everyone got up so early and are tired and we all really want to be there.

There was also this fantastic a'cappella group from Wisconsin that wandered around the line singing for everyone. I hoped they'd have a chance to sing on the show, especially since every time a choir group has ever been on the show they have been horrible and off-key, and this group would have been swell.

Let's see, who else was there? O, there was the Other Kimberly, who started chatting with me at one point. I asked her if that was the name that she went by or just her legal name, and she said that no, it was the name that she was forced to put on her nametag, but not the name that she actually uses in her life, so that bonded us tightly.

She was really great, the Other Kimberly, bright and smart and pretty, a real firecracker, and I had a feeling that they wouldn't have two people with the same name on the show, so if they were going to choose a Kimberly, she probably had the edge.

Wait wait wait, much waiting to be interviewed in groups, while snacking from the expensive, nasty snack bar (hey, there was no place else for us to go! It was like the airport).

When they finally called our little group of ten or twelve forward, they went down the line and asked us each our names and where we were from and stuff in bright, cheerful voices. It was a test to see how bright and cheerful we were right back. Some people just didn't get that point, and answered dully or shyly, but what they want is personalities! People who pop off the screen, but seem real and aren't going to try to take over the show from Bob. Interesting and smart, but not obnoxious, that's the key.

Then we went through the metal detector and waited some more, before finally going into the studio, which is much smaller than it looks on TV, and terribly tacky. Very bright and sparkly and cheap-looking, but it looks right on camera, which is what is important.

Then they just about killed themselves getting us to be enthusiastic! One of the rent-an-announcers that they have had since Rod Roddy died came out and acted like an asshole to get us to cheer and yell and clap and jump up and down. He was as cheesy as the set! And o how we had to howl with delight and leap to our feet and jump up and down and be enthusiastic.

Not that easy after getting up at 4a, let me tell you that.

And finally, finally, finally the show started! It's really loud in the studio, what with all of the yelling and screaming, so they write the names of the first four people called on cards, because otherwise nobody would hear a word. One of the Aggies was called, and one of the a'cappella boys.

Bob looked a little embalmed when he first came out, but as the show wore on you saw how sharp and cool he still is. I thought he was getting a little deaf, as sometimes he seems not to hear the bids properly, but my Christ it's amazing that he can hear as well as he can in that studio.

The Aggie cheerleader won her way onto the stage on the second game, I think, and played Plinko worse than I have ever seen it played before, leading Bob to spend the entire rest of the show ragging on her! Not on camera, though, during the commercials.

That was the biggest surprise of the day, just how sarcastic and nasty Bob is when the cameras were off. I mean, a razor wit like you would not believe. When he found out that the girl who sucked at Plinko was from Texas A&M, he said "An Aggie? Well, that explains everything," and when the a'cappella group asked if they could sing he said that he's like to have them on, but "that girl who never watched the show before" had used up all the time and the show was running really long!

They ended up not having time to have them sing, which was a shame as they were so good.

I've always noticed how the contestants hug and high-five each other and audience members reach out to pat them on the back as they run by and thought that that was one of the things that they were prompted to do--like the applause sign, there was maybe a "be supportive" sign.

But that's not it, it's all because of the line. Two hundred or so people aren't that many, and getting up at 4a is a very bonding experience. Of the nine contestants that were called up (have you guessed by now that neither Mom nor myself were one of them?), I knew three by sight, recognized the group that a fourth was from, and talked extensively to a fifth.

Why is everyone so supportive? Because we all know each other! On the other hand, it's not all support all the time, when people were being remarkably stupid, there were sarcastic remarks muttered, and not just by me--the girls behind me were also a bit scathing.

I had a swell time with the gentleman beside me, who, if I had gone up on stage, I would have listened to his advice over my Mom's, since he was really sharp about the prices and the games.

My favourite moment was during a commercial break when Bob was taking questions from the audience, and one guy made a statement to the effect that The Price is Right is the best invention since the heart-lung machine, and that Bob himself is as close to being the living Christ as is possible in mortal man. Or something like that.

Anyway, me and the sarcastic girls behind me said, "Calm down, pal, the contestants have been chosen already," and I whispered to the guy next to me that his tongue was so far up Bob's ass that we could barely see the soles of his feet.

Well, he started to just choke with laughter. I'm guessing that people don't so much say "ass" to strangers in Ohio.

The other thing that you don't realize at home is how depressing it is when people get called up but don't win their way onstage! You think that all you want is for that cheeseball announcer to call out your name, but there is a chance that that will be all there is, that you won't be able to guess the price of the chandelier or the tennis rackets or the banjos. The woman that I had chatted with was one of those sad figures, I felt so bad for her.

Anyway, it was lots of fun, but by the time it was over, I was exhausted and my throat was killing me after all of the hollering, and we went to McDonald's then home to collapse. I'm definitely going to try again next year!

The show will be aired on 10 Feb, and you should catch me in the audience, since we were seated fifth row centre. I'm wearing my Neapolitan ice-cream sweater.

Today's horoscope:
You don't feel as lucky or entitled as you did for the past few days, but it's hard to slow down. The wrong suggestion could send you spinning off course. Be ready to yield if someone else wants the floor.

One year ago today:
Something extremely peculiar has been happening lately. I look in the mirror, and I like how I look.

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Last Updated Tues 20 January 13:20:09 2004