Thoughts while watching the SAG Awards:

Each of these actors giving these tiny anecdotes ending with, "I'm so-and-so and I'm an actor." I kind of like this idea, it's like going around the table at a wedding, saying how everyone met the bride and groom. On the other hand, it's also a little bit like, "I started with finishing my dad's beer at the age of seven, now I drink a bottle of gin a day. My name is so-and-so, and I'm an alcoholic.

Hell, it's the practically the same thing.

The good thing about the SAG Awards is that everything is a highlight--there are no dull awards. We're actors, we only care about ourselves!!

Best Supporting Male Actor, Tim Robbins for Mystic River. I mean, I liked the role and his performance, but I don't think that it should have been an across the board sweep in every single contest imaginable. Somebody else should have been thrown a bone, the Dayton Ohio Critics Association could have voted for Benicio del Toro or Alec Baldwin, couldn't they?

Jake Gyllenhaal is presenting? I mean, I dig him, but have they run out of celebrities? Perhaps they are all tired and fagged out from this never-ending gauntlet of awards show after awards show. On the day after the Oscars, every celebrity in Hollywood must collapse into a pile of bones and designer threads. Well, it is the Screen Actors Guild, there ain't nothing wrong with having an actual actor there.

Renee Zellweger wins for Best Supporting Female Actor. Why are all of the women wearing the same dress? They all seem to be in these strapless creations with straight-across necklines. Of course, Renee's seems to also be backless. Quite a feat of engineering, that dress, held up by hope and Bridget Jones' tits. Okay, no, not backless, my mistake. Great mental image, though, wasn't it?

Renee says that this is "the nicest invitation of the year, actually." Is that a big fuck-you to the Oscars? Probably it's the most fun because it's on cable and nobody cares so you can relax, if you wear something ugly to the Oscars, it goes in your obituary.

There's Amber Tamblyn, saying with that dress and those mostly uncovered boobs, "I'm not really a high school student, I just play one on TV."

Kiefer Sutherland wins for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Dear Lord, his fake tan is so dark he looks like Alicia Keyes. And what's with the green tie? You're a month early for St. Patrick's Day, Kief.

There's my beloved Billy Petersen presenting an award! There's my beloved Billy Petersen wearing what looks like a black t-shirt under his tux. And that beard which goes all under his chin but not at all on his face. Why? Why, Billy? Why do you look as though you wandered in from the soup kitchen?

If Jennifer Garner doesn't win for Best Female Actor in a Drama Series, then there is no justice. There is no justice, Frances Conroy won. On the other hand, if it couldn't be Jennifer, I'm glad that it's her rather than Allison Janney for the 500th time.

It's the tenth year of these awards, so they are showing a clip montage that is almost as long as just re-running all of the shows in their entirety. Amazing how many of the people in these clips are dead in such a short time. Ooh, that was cold, they just had Louis Armstrong singing, " You're a toy balloon that's fated soon to pop!" over a clip of Catherine Zeta Jones at 11 months pregnant, looking like a very glamorous ocean barge.

There's the cast of Frasier, presenting as a group. I think that the subtext here is, "There's another show besides Friends that is ending this year! No, not Sex and the City! C'mon, throw us a bone here!"

Six Feet Under wins for Best Cast of a Drama Series. I don't watch the show, so I cannot say with complete alacrity that CSI and Without a Trace were robbed, but I think it's a distinct possibility.

Meryl Streep wins for Best Female Actor in a TV Movie for Angels in America. I still haven't watched that show, I'm not certain if it's because I am saving it or if it's because I haven't had the spare six hours. She's reading her speech as a poem. Unless I am aurally hallucinating.

Hey, it's Peter Dinklage! I really do think that he should have been nominated somewhere for The Station Agent, he really was wonderful. And I'd love to work with him someday, because hey, if you're going to be taller than someone, it might as well be someone that everyone is taller than.

That's Mariska Hargitay? I was just wondering what Jane Seymour was doing there.

Megan Mullally wins for Best Female Actor in a Comedy Series, and drags Debra Messing up onto the stage with her, which is very sweet. You, know, unless it's to rub her face in it, a la "Who won and who didn't?" Wow, Debra looks amazing pregnant, better even than the beautiful fertility goddess CZJ.

Tony Shalhoub wins Best Male Actor in a Comedy Series, which isn't as big a surprise as it was the first time that happened, but it's still nice. I kind of wish that I still liked the show, I haven't watched it since the first season.

Wow, is Marcia Gay Harden pregnant! She looks more like a normal pregnant woman, puffy and uncomfortable. It's like when Uma Thurman had one of her babies and looked like a truck afterwards--it's nice to see pregnant stars going through the same thing that regular mortals have to.

Sex and the City wins Best Comedy Ensemble. Because it's the law. The cast of Friends I'm sure wants to trip those bitches as they strut by again. Kristen Davis and Kim Catrall are wearing the exact same shade of purple. Did Cynthia Nixon not get the memo? Or did Kim and Kristen call each other last night and say, "What are you wearing? Don't tell Cynthia!"

Everyone is thanking the background actors this year, which is nice. I say this as a sometime background actor, thanks for noticing that without us you'd be standing in empty rooms and on empty streets.

Karl Marlden is being given the Lifetime Achievement Award. The man is 92 years old, don't make him stand and give a speech, let him rest quietly at his table and get applauded.

They're showing a series of clips and interviews, maybe he's safe. You know what I love about Kirk Douglas? That even after his stroke and having to re-learn to talk, and struggle for every word, that you just can't shut him up. He ain't gonna hide away in his house, he's gonna go down fighting.

Jesus, I don't think that I've ever heard anyone sing any lower than Rosalind Russell in that clip from Gypsy. She sounded as though she was going to segue into "Old Man River" any minute.

O dear, they're making him get up and give a speech, can't they let an old man rest? Ah no, my mistake, he may be 92, but he is still completely strong and eloquent, shame on me for being afraid that he might not be able to do it.

Al Pacino wins Best Male Actor in a TV Movie for Angels in America, beating out Jeffrey Wright and Justin Kirk. It must be annoying to be beaten by someone else in your own cast, but on the other hand, it's Al Pacino, how can you be surprised when you don't win?

I'd love it if Patricia Clackson wins Best Female Actor for Station Agent, but she hasn't a chance. The poor thing keeps getting dressed up in all of these different gowns, and never gets a chance to get up on the podium and show what they look like from the waist down.

Nope, Charlize Theron wins for Monster. Again. I probably should see this movie, huh? Hell, I've never seen Titanic, I'm sure to die not having seen at least a couple of movies that I always meant to.

Since when does Jeff Bridges talk so funny? It's like the inside of his mouth is too big.

Hey, Peter Dinklage was nominated for Station Agent! Leave it to the actors to notice a wonderful performance like that. Holy shit, Johnny Depp wins Best Actor! I, I, I am completely speechless. Against Sean Penn and Bill Murray and Ben Kingsley, Johnny Depp wins for playing a pirate with eyeliner in a film based on a kiddie ride! And he's not even there! He didn't win the Golden Globe, he's not going to win the Oscar, he should have shown up and given that speech.

Dear God, how could Lord of the Rings possibly win for Best Cast? I mean, the acting isn't bad, but it's not so much a movie known for it's acting above everything else. And frankly, In America or The Station Agent should have won. On the other hand, Sean Astin was giving a fiery, pro-union speech before getting hip-checked by one of the other actors (possibly John Rhys-Davies), which was terribly entertaining. Both the speech and it's sudden end.

Today's horoscope:
It's easy to feel nostalgic for the early days of a relationship that later went bad. If there's no chance of picking up the thread, you should be looking for a new love. Some mistakes simply aren't worth repeating.

One year ago today:
A little suggestion to all of you non-acting friends and relatives of actors out there. If you see someone in a show part-way through the run and you have suggestions on how they should have been playing their part and how they should completely change everything and movies they should watch that they can base this new character on, keep them to yourselves, it is not helpful. At all.

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