My tooth was hurting so much yesterday that I took a Vicoden as soon as I got home, and found out why people get addicted to them. Wow, did I get high! I've taken them before, but this was without eating, since I couldn't actually chew until after taking the pain pill.

And then when I went to bed, I had these really strong visions before I went to sleep, that I could not control. Like I was with Omar, but then suddenly he was covered with baby chicks and I had to take them off of them without hurting them, but there were just so many of them. Then there was a giant chicken, but I just tossed her on the ground, I didn't bother carefully putting her into a box like the chicks.

Anyway, I woke up, and the pain was gone! The swelling was down and it seemed as though the infection was over. No dentist for me!

Thoughts while watching the Grammys.

What usually happens to me during the Grammys is that people I never heard of sing songs that I don't know and I end up feeling like a relic from another era. That era being the '80s.

Good heavens, it's Prince! They are trying to make us relics feel hep. He's wearing a purple suit, purple eyeshadow, holding a purple guitar with a purple strap, bathed in purple light, singing "Raspberry Beret". Just kidding. The Redundant Prince of Redundancy is singing "Purple Rain". Apparently, he was worried that we wouldn't get it. He does look slightly less insane than usual, but maybe everyone does with Michael Jackson in the news.

A girl I don't recognize, thankfully not wearing purple, is singing with him. I feel old again. She looks like Ann-Margret in 1967. Except ol' Ann-Margret never said, "Put your hands together, y'all!" in her life. Prince is encouraging the audience to sing along with "Let's Go Crazy" but they do not seem to be responding. Perhaps they are blinded by all the purple.

According to the announcer, music's royalty is at that very moment in the building wearing their crowns, and he followed that up by saying that Jason Alexander and Marg Helgenberger, amongst others, would be there. I'm waiting for their duet on tenterhooks.

Gwen Stefani and Quentin Tarantino are presenting. Gwen looked much better before she started wearing her own designs and Quentin is wearing the longest collar seen since 1978. Hello, apparently I am Joan Rivers, only I can blink. Thanks, Gwen, for identifying Ann-Margret Jr. as Beyoncé. I could backtrack and pretend I recognized her from the start, but that would be cheating. Why is Quentin Tarantino talking as though he is a rapper? Is it because he is presenting Best Contemporary R&B Album?

Beyoncé wins, and I am totally off the hook, because they showed her in a close-up and I totally recognized her. Before it was a medium shot of a blonde girl in a short skirt, she could have been practically anyone but Queen Latifah. She just thanked Angela Beyoncé, is that an amazing co-incidence, or was she thanking someone named Angela and herself in the third person?

According to Ellen Degeneres, it was 40 years ago tonight that the Beatles played on Ed Sullivan, this announcement was followed by Dave Matthews, Sting, Vince Gill and someone whose name sounded like Ferrell Williams getting up to destroy "I Saw Her Standing There". Not everyone can do those Paul McCartney falsetto "Oooh"s, Dave, I'd take it out of my repertoire if I were you. Sting, was that you who just hit that incredibly sour note? I am shocked.

Coming up is apparently a celebration of Luther Vandross by that well-known soul sistah, Celine Dion. Just in case he isn't dead yet, this'll kill him.

Queen Latifah is looking really good. She practically could have been the Mystery Beyoncé. She introduced Christina Aguilera, who is preceded onscreen by a large group of shadowy figures singing "Aah aah" in a minor key. It all looks very Haunted House at Disneyland. Did Tim Burton produce this year? She's all shadowy, so I can't yet tell how skanky she looks tonight. There's just enough light to tell that her hair look like a troll doll's, so I'm not holding out for an amazing transformation on her part.

"I am beautiful, no matter what they say." Comb your hair, Christina, and perhaps they would agree with you. Isn't this song from two years ago? It probably missed the cut-off or something. Why is she twiddling her fingers on the mic as though she is playing the recorder? I can see her a little better, and it looks as though she borrowed Prince's suit from the first number.

She has a good voice, I think, but she listened to way too much Whitney "I Cannot Hold a Note For Longer Than 1/20th of a Second Without Changing It" Houston in her formative years.

John Mayer and Matthew Perry are engaging in Painful Awards Show Banter. They can as easily just say "Blah blah blah" with uncomfortable looks on their faces, it would be the same in the end.

No Doubt wins for Best Pop Duo or Group With Vocal and Cheese for a song that I never heard. Like few other bands, they always seem as though they actually still like each other.

Beck is introducing a band as having "the sound of empty parking lots and school busses." Ah, it's the White Stripes. Yeah, I guess they sound like an empty parking lot, except with more guitars and annoying vocals. Are they up for Best Pop Duo of Group With Annoying Vocal and a Bad Colour Scheme? Should I fast-forward, or will I miss something fascinating? Will Jack White show his nipple? I'll risk it. Anything's better than listening to this horseshit for one more second.

B.B King and Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are presenting something. I always love seeing rock stars look starstruck. B.B. says that he's been an Aerosmith fan since he was a kid, good one, B.B.! They are presenting the best rap album, because who better to do so than hard rockers and a blues legend?

And the winners are Outkast. Hey, the music they are playing them up with is that song from the Golden Globes and the Oscars commercials that I couldn't identify! Which awfully melodic and singy for a rap song, but what do I know? And the Outkast who got up there gave the best speech ever, "Thank you." Dig it. Either he expects to win more and wants to save his speech for later or he's too cool for the room. Probably the latter.

They are still warning us about the Luther Vandross celebration coming up. Get those earplugs ready.

Ah, no wonder Marg Helgenberger is on the show, she's introducing Martina McBride. Because when I think of country music, I think of Marg Helgenberger. This is a pretty good song, actually. Although it's somewhat peculiar to be nodding and tapping my foot along to a song about an abused child. Who dies.

The nominees for Best Male Pop Vocal With Vocals are dead, old, old, Justin Timberlake and dead. The dead and old vote will be split, I'll bet. And I was right. Be cool, Justin, don't start slobbering on about Janet Jackson's nipple...too late. What designer made his hair shirt? He thanked everyone but Britney for stepping out on him and inspiring the song.

Now not only are they threatening the Luther Vandross thing, but also, more desecration of the Beatles. Will Jason Alexander sing "Maxwell's Silver Hammer"?

That's Patti LaBelle? But she looks beautiful and classy! Good for you, Patti! I hope your stylist gets a big raise.

The Luther Vandross celebration has begun, starting with Alicia Keys. Singing beautifully and looking great. Though a woman in a prom dress at a piano does look slightly odd. I'm bracing myself, though. And rightly so, because here comes Celine, accompanied by Richard Marx, of all people. Ha! There is no audio! Must be a music fan at the board. Disembodied voices are discussing the fact that there is no audio. Now there is feedback. If Luther were actually dead, I'd have thought that there was a ghostly hand in this.

They are showing people wishing Luther well, which is sweet, but I want a shot of Richard Marx, is that mullet gone? And it is. He's looking very good, actually. And after all of my nasty remarks, it's quite a nice song and Celine sang it very simply, for her.

A quick clip of Luther, thanking everyone and then singing a few words. He sounds better with a stroke than half the people who have sung so far do without one. Take note, Dave Matthews and Jack White!

Hmm, when Patti did her intro, she mentioned that Luther's friends, including Janet Jackson, wanted to pay tribute. Janet may have wanted to, but apparently she was doing it from the privacy of her own home. Or maybe she didn't want to flagellate herself in front of the viewing audience.

There's Madonna. Apparently, the new look is Marcia Brady Redux. About whomever is up next, she says, "There isn't a person here, including me, who has not fallen in love with his music." Is it Jason Alexander at last? She said that this person also introduced her to her husband, then paused for no applause and no laughs. I supposed that everyone is thinking, "O, so we have this guy to blame for Swept Away? Aha, it's Sting, along with Sean Paul. Damn you, Sting!

He's singing "Roxanne", because it is "We Have No Interest In Your Post-'80s Songs" here at the Grammys tonight. And now Sean Paul is ruining the song--it's payback time for "I Saw Her Standing There" earlier in the evening! Don't mess with the Beatles.

And Christina Aguilera wins for Best Female Pop Vocal. She's taken off the man's suit and is showing most of her implants. She says that she doesn't want what happened to Janet to happen to her. I'd keep my eye on Justin Timberlake's hands, then, if I were her.

Am I imagining things, or is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing hotpants? "I may be unemployed, but I'm still hot!" is apparently, her mantra.

I've gotten to be this old without hearing an entire Justin Timberlake song, I'm not breaking that record tonight. Fast forward, my beloved TiVo. The audience is giving him a standing ovation. I certainly hope that they are actually giving it up for that amazing trumpet player.

Ellen Degeneres again. Please, no more tributes to The Beatles, haven't they suffered enough? Ah, they are giving them an award. And are actually letting George Harrison's widow come up and accept it! Earlier, they announced awards to Carole King and Gerry Goffen and The Funk Brothers, but didn't actually present the awards. Apparently, they toss them at them as they walk to their cars after the show, instead. What do you have to do to be allowed to accept the award on TV? Die.

The audience, however, are taking this time to discuss Janet Jackson's nipple amongst themselves, I can barely hear Mrs. Harrison over the crowd muttering. Maybe they are wondering if Barbara Bach is coming out next? Nope, it's Yoko Ono, making no sense whatsoever. Hey, maybe Mrs. Starkey is coming out next, or are they only letting the dead ones accept! No, they are letting the living members of the group to accept via video, McCartney demonstrating the proper way to do an "ooh" or two.

Queen Latifah is back, announced as "Still from Barbershop II." You mean she hasn't done anything new in the last hour? Slacker.

The Black-Eyed Peas? Who? Along with Beyoncé again, or is this another chick with long blonde hair and a short skirt? Again, a good song, but that catchy refrain going, "People killing, people dying/Children hurt, can't you hear them crying?" makes for odd chair-dancing. This my favourite song of the night so far.

They just announced a lifetime achievement award for Van Cliburn, but he has to stay in the audience. They showed a shot of him, and I'll bet the farm that he's the only guy in the building in an actual tux.

June Carter Cash wins for Best Female Country Vocal for a song that she recorded approximated in the Cretaceous Period? I guess those eligibility rules have been stretched to their limit. I guess it pays to be the only dead nominee in your category.

Coming up, Beyoncé will show us why she was nominated for six Grammys tonight. Because she is bootylicious?

How can there be an hour and forty minutes left? It couldn't feel longer than if they had let all 750,000 special awards winners make speeches. At this point, it seems that every audience member has gotten an award, and possibly the valet parkers are well.

Beyoncé is dangerously in love with me. Why are there fifty people in period costume playing statues on the stage? Are they trying to distract us from the masses of foliage on her shoulder? Is that entire greenhouse worth of orchids a corsage or a Triffid? Beyoncé's already been taken over, you might be next! I do dig the curly swoop of glittery eyebrow things like spitcurls on her temples, though. Unfortunately, she oversings nearly as much as Christina does.

Norah Jones is wearing a tuxedo jacket over her little pink dress, for some unknown reason. It looks as though she was chilly backstage and someone was being a gentleman. It's very sweet. O, my mistake, she's wearing trousers, it's a suit with a little pink top. I liked my girl wearing her boyfriend's letterman jacket scenario better.

I'd talk about the music more than the clothes if the clothes weren't so much more interesting.

Fountains of Wayne are nominated for Best New Artist? Isn't this their tenth anniversary? They have very peculiar rules for what constitutes being a New Artist. And the winner is Evanescence, which makes more sense, since I've never heard of them in my life. Now that's a new artist. 50 Cent, a loser in the category, just wandered across the stage. He wants a little camera time, it seems, or maybe he's trying to win a bet.

Well, the music is about to get interesting, here comes Earth Wind and Fire! They must all be looking 60 in it's bloodshot eye, but by God they've still got it. Although I have a feeling that some of those musicians just might be ringers, looking barely out of high school as they do. Woo, one of the singers just hit a very peculiar note, weird, but plenty ballsy.

They are joined onstage by Outkast, one of those strange combinations that end up really working. And now is Robert Randolph, an artist of whom I was previously unaware, but since he is playing funk on a pedal steel, he's okay by me. And here comes Parliament-Funkadelic. How can the building not be exploding? How can they possibly have over an hour of the show left? Nobody could possibly follow this--The show has peaked, everyone should go home after this. They have turned this mother out, indeed.

The announcer introduced Jason Alexander (at last!) and Snoop Dogg, and three people walk onto the stage. Is everyone too full of the funk to count anymore? Snoop is either playing the Tommy Steele role in a dinner theatre production of Finian's Rainbow or he's celebrating St. Patrick's Day a mite early. Man, either he's the tallest rapper in captivity or Jason Alexander is standing in a hole.

Jason is making Britney Spears marriage jokes for the benefit of the four people who remember that the patsy she married shared his name. "Seven best hours of my life I gave that woman. I can't lie to you, Snoop, I am very upset with Britney, and my wife is furious!"

Foo Fighters and Chick Corea. Not very funky, but I suppose that putting a great band and a jazz legend up after the funky funkatronic funkessence is better than having, say, Justin Timberlake attempt to follow that up. This is a lovely song, too.

In that fluffy yellow jacket, Mary J. Blige looks like those baby chicks in my dream, and Michael McDonald is re-enforcing the fact that the Amish Abe Lincoln beard-without-moustache look doesn't work. For anybody. Ever. Seriously, Michael.

O my GAWD! That song that I didn't know the title of was "Hey Ya"! I have heard of "Hey Ya"! Weetabix mentioned it in an entry recently, and I had heard of the song, but didn't know that it was that song! Yeah yeah, old and out of touch, that's me.

Coldplay wins for something. Ah, Record of the Year. I wonder which one Gwennie's married to? Probably the cute one.

Missy Elliot is presenting with Tony Bennett, because they never have Tony Bennett with anyone who isn't the most incongruous person in the room. That's Tony's gig. Although I guess they could have paired him with the mohawked drummer in the plaid suit from No Doubt, but that would just be Red Hot Chili Peppers all over again. Been there, done that.

What's Alanis Morissette doing there? Ah, it's Sarah McLachlan. She might want to be thinking about a haircut. My girlfriend Alison Krauss is singing backup and playing the fiddle. Nobody talk while Alison is onstage, no heckling! Sigh. She's so perfect. Okay, song's over, back to being the cattiest person alive.

There's Sharon and Ozzie, with his neck brace. They showed a shot of Kelly in the audience, looking pretty and thin, I don't know what's up with that.

And Warren Zevon and Bruce Springsteen win for Best Rock Duo or Group With Vocal. His son is accepting. Not much of a consolation for losing your dad, but it must be nice to have him publicly acknowledged as I doubt he was in life.

Interesting, the parade of the dead was to almost no applause, only Barry White, June Carter and Johnny Cash, Celia Cruz and Warren Zevon got a round. And then it nicely segued into a performance of one of Warren's last songs, "Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile", with his recording of the lead vocal backed by an extraordinary all-star band--Tom Petty, Jackson Browne, Emmylou Harris, the son who accepted the award, Billy Bob Thornton, Dwight Yoakum, and a couple of people that I couldn't recognize. Wow, very moving, very simple, very very good. It almost made me forget that Beatles travesty earlier. But not quite.

Hey, Andy Williams! God, I love him. Why why why did you get that facelift, Andy? It was a terrible idea!

Luther Vandross and Richard Marx win for song of the year, and Luther's Grammy is being picked up by his business manager. Who is speaking first. Now, admittedly, he is speaking for Luther, but I think that the actual songwriter actually on the stage should actually get to speak first. Jesus Christ, when did Richard Marx get so cute? I know he wasn't that sensationally hot twenty years ago.

Aren't Record of the Year and Song of the Year the biggest awards? What are they going to fill the last twenty minutes with? O yeah, Best Pop Blah Blah and stuff like that. Never mind me. On the other hand, they seem to be filling it with commercials.

And now there's Outkast. They sing "Hey Ya", you know! In fact, they are singing it right now! Why are all of the backup dancers dressed as slutty Indians? Slutty green Indians at that? I give up, the Grammys art direction will never make sense.

According to my TiVo, there is only like five minutes left. And for some reason, I didn't set it to record longer. What was I thinking, the one thing all awards shows have in common is that they all run over! You know, except for the Tonys, the barrio of televised awards shows.

O no, I guess Best Pop Etc. were off-camera awards, it's Album of the Year. Of course Outkast won, that was predictable just from the placement of the slutty Indian song. And the first shout out to God in a speech this evening. Why is that Outkast saying "Stank you very much, you're smelcome"? How high do I have to be to have gotten that one?

And it ended ontime! I guess it managed that by only showing 1/20th of the actual awards given. And not letting anyone with a special award get out of their chairs for any reason, not even to go to the bathroom.

Today's horoscope:
Associates and clients stand in awe of your physical and mental skills. Make the phone call that's been on your mind for a while. Publish a statement that people are ready to hear.

One year ago today:
"Well, Dwayne thought it would be a better reveal if the guys were really hiding you and Lloyd looked as though he were just playing pool, and that can only be done if they are standing at the short side."
"Well, Dwayne can suck my dick!!"

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Last Updated Wed 18 February 02:38:09 2004