So yesterday we drove to Desert Hot Springs to use that spa trip that Mom put in my stocking!

It's a two day one night stay at a spa with a massage and hydrotherapy for each of us. I have never done any of this, the closest I have come to a spa is seeing Tim Robbins and whatshername in mud baths in The Player and Tim gets out of the mud and you can see his penis. Not that that's the only thing I remember in that movie or anything, it was just a very well-acted moment. Uh-huh.

We left poor Baldrick alone in the house and drove for two hours, straight to the ass-end of completely nowhere. We passed by Pasadena on the way, remarking that that would be where we would be going for New Year's Day, and I said, "Wow, this sure is the boons!" but o did I ever speak too soon. Desert Hot Springs, now that's really the boons.

I realized after we passed elevendy-five spas on the way to our spa that basically everything in Desert Hot Springs is a spa, and not fancy ones either, kind of low-rent spas. But you know what? Still spas, just not spas for rich people.

We arrived at the Nirvana Hotel and Spa, which had a big "For Sale" sign up, which is always a bad sign, and the first room we were in bore that out, since the beds were unmade and the toilet bowl was filled with cigarette butts and shit, but the second room they put us in was nicer.

It was actually only fine, but since we had been in the nightmare room first, it was brilliant by comparison. That's the trick, always put people in the worst room imaginable for about fifteen seconds, then the most ordinary room will seem a palace!

Before getting massaged, Mom and I went down to the coffee shop and ate right before it closed for the day. Mom had wanted me to bring makeup because surely there would be a nice place to eat, but I felt that no matter how nice the place was, I wouldn't want to be wearing makeup in it anyway. The coffee shop was perfectly fine, but certainly not worth makeup of any kind.

THey had some problems with the concept of hard-boiled eggs. I know that I am difficult with the whole hard-boiled egg scenario, and that I refuse to eat any other kind of egg, but when one orders hard-boiled eggs, one really doesn't expect hard-fried eggs.

I ain't wearing makeup for the wrong eggs, that's for sure.

After lunch, we went to get our massages and hydrotherapy.

We went to the spa, and I was handed a robe. I wasn't entirely certain what to do with that...should I put it on over my clothes? Do I actually get completely naked right now? Do I take off my underwear? I am not a spa person, I am not a massage person, I am uncertain of the protocol!

Fortunately, Mom was soon behind me and she said yes, to fling off all of my clothing with wild abandon and cover it with that tiny robe. Which I did, then went out and waited for my masseur feeling very very naked and very very uncomfortable.

Seriously, I was just sitting there as tense as a rubber band, thinking that if I could choose anything in the world, it would be that I would not be sitting naked, in public, on a leather chair, with only a tiny robe on. I really don't belong in spas.

Mom did the hydrotherapy massage first, and I went with Larry, my masseur, into his lair. I mean room. Did I mention that I was naked? Against my will? He left the room and told me to lie down on the table and cover myself with the towel. Which I did, meaning that the robe that didn't make me feel any less naked was now off of my body and I was now so totally naked that I couldn't be nakeder. And he was coming back. And he was going to touch me.

I kind of sound like a virgin spinster, don't I? Which is funny, because it's not as though I have any problems at all about stripping in a shared dressing room with ten other people--I'm really not shy at all, but a theatre is the place I am most comfortable, it's similar to stripping in my house. A spa, not so much.

Then Larry came back and commenced with the massage. Which was really kind of great. It was frankly a tiny bit too hard on the shoulders, since I ended up in a bit of pain the next day, but you know what? Totally worth it.

Then I had my hydrotherapy massage, which was really just a whirlpool bath, but the water was so hot that at first I could barely get into it. Then, when it was over, I could barely get out of it, because I was so relaxed, I was a wet noodle and my bones were all jelly. I just wanted to ooze all over the floor.

And I realized that it was a damn good thing that I had the massage with the cute guy touching me first, because if I have had the jelly-making bath first, I totally would have been humping Larry's leg half-way through the massage, and then I really would have had to tip him more.

The funniest thing, though, was after the massage and the hydrotherapy, I was so comfortable being naked that I thought, "Why on earth do I have to put my robe back on? What's wrong with wandering back up to my room naked? I never want to wear clothing again!" Amazing how a little rubbing and a little water makes a person turn into Super Naked Girl at the drop of a towel.

After the massages, Mom and I both went back to the room and passed out.

I was awakened after a few hours by my phone--it was Mark calling me! So I grabbed my cigarettes and ran barefoot outside so I could talk to him without waking Mom.

He told me about his terrible trip home for Christmas, where his flight was delayed so much that he actually missed the christening that he was godfather for, and how he was nearly arrested for making a terrorist joke in the airport like the stupidest person alive, and how much he loved the Bill Hicks DVD that I had got him, and of course he didn't wait until Christmas to open it!

Nobody on earth but me has any self-control when it comes to Christmas presents, I don't know why I'm surprised.

We talked for an hour or so, then I went back to the room and Mom was awake and we were hungry, so we decided to go out and get some dinner.

Of course, the coffee shop had closed in the afternoon, and there was no place else to eat around there. Seriously! We asked at the desk, and the woman was confused at the question, as though nobody eats dinner in Desert Hot Springs, and certainly no-one staying at the Nirvana Hotel and Spa (For Sale!) ever thought of doing such a thing! It's madness, madness I tell you! There are kitchenettes in the rooms, so perhaps no-one does eat out.

So we drove around, looking for someplace that was open in the teeming metropolis that is Desert Hot Springs, and found a Carl's Jr., that at first we thought was closed, but was really only empty. It was yummy, I haven't eaten at Carl's for ages, but it didn't need me to wear any makeup either.

Today's horoscope:
Get physical. You've been sitting around too long, and your body demands some attention. A sudden flood of endorphins stimulates your brain. You're up for some amazing things during and after your workout.

One year ago today:
Nothing yet from Omar, so my Christmas hysterics apparently did nothing for his cold heart. Somehow, it doesn't bother me anymore, I really don't care.

* Yesterday / Index / This Month / Tomorrow *

* E-Mail / In the Belly of the Hedgehog / My Big Fat Ass *

Graphics by the holly jolly Saundra!

This page was written by hand. My hand. Only pussies use HTML editors.
Last Updated Mon 21 February 15:00:09 2005