Home to LA yesterday!

The night before, I had my list of things to do, looked at it and thought, "Fuck it, I'm going to bed." Now, Sara Astruc always gets nervous and tense reading my trip stories, where I'm always missing planes and hideous things constantly are occurring, so I would like to state for the record at the top, that going to sleep ended up being the right thing to do.

I needed to get up at 6a and leave the house at 10a and do all of my packing and wash the dishes and clear stuff off the TiVo, and I did! It all worked, including going to the supermarket to get soda and Jax and breakfast at McDonald's and everything, I packed my suitcase and the cat, and was out of the door at 10.15a for a 2p flight.

Cynthia couldn't give me a ride to the airport bus, since she had to drive the kids to a school play rehearsal, so I staggered onto the van with my bags and everything. There was a kid on the van who must have been the driver's grandson who helped pull my thousand pound bag up the steps and gave me his seat.

I got to the airport bus and waited and waited and it was cold and it was cold, and the bus finally arrived with the meanest driver in the world! I believe that I have claimed to have had the meanest driver in the world before, but this guy really held the crown.

He looked at me and snarled, "Do you have a ticket?" "No" "You can't get on the bus without one." What? I never buy a ticket before getting on the bus, that has never been a rule before! So I went into the office and while the person ahead of me was slowly buying her ticket, I watched the bus with the Meanest Driver in the World™ pull away, as I swore and swore and everyone else studiously avoided looking at me, as you do when crazies stand around cursing loudly.

I had to wait another 40 minutes for the next bus, but I found a place inside the Port Authority where the cat and I wouldn't freeze to death and read and ate cheese puffs, then went out and grabbed the next bus. Whose driver did not insist upon us having tickets ahead of time, but if he had, there would have been plenty of time to get them, since he didn't peel away from the curb like a startled rabbit as soon as everyone was on the bus, but actually waited for the appointed time to go.

I mentioned the Meanest Driver in the World™ to this driver, and he laughed and agreed with me. Notice how he knew exactly whom I was talking about as soon as I opened my mouth. He must be a legend, the Meanest Driver in the World™, rather like the Flying Dutchman. The Rolling Mean New Yorker.

So I got to the airport and got in the line for the curbside check-in, because I'm all about the curbside check-in.

This time, the curbside check-in took about four times longer than just plain checking in, since I checked in, went to the x-ray to go to my gate, where they noticed that I had gotten only the boarding pass for my second flight, in Denver.

I went back to the curbside check-in, but there was something wrong with their machine, so the porter brought me inside and tried to use the electronic check-in, but that didn't happen, so I had to stand in the regular check-in line, attempting to be subtle about the cat.

At the curbside check-in, ol' bright eyes the porter said, "You know that you have to pay for the cat, right?" and I averred that I did and would at the main check-in desk.

Well, here I was at the main check-in desk, hoping that the guy giving me my other boarding pass wouldn't notice the cat carrier casually slung behind me. He did not, and my theory that nobody cares about the animal's ticket after that very moment was proved.

Also proved was the fact that if you leave the house in plenty of time, even if you have to wait for an hour for the bus and check-in takes over half an hour, you'll still be on-time for your flight. Who knew?

So, I finally got to go through the x-ray, being glad that I wore my clogs, since we all had to take off our shoes, and got to the gate.

The plane was completely full, every single seat, and very squooshy too. During the flight, if I wanted to get poor Baldrick out from under the seat and put his case on my lap, I needed the co-operation of the girl next to me. Fortunately, she was very nice and co-operative.

You could certainly tell why United has filed for Chapter 11, as this was one crappy flight. The seat ahead of me was pressed against my legs and I was praying that he wouldn't lean back, there was only food for sale (what insane lunatic would buy airline food? For $10?), and though there was a movie, there were no headsets--if you didn't have a Walkman you were shit out of luck.

Or so I thought until we almost were ready to land, when I found the headset stuffed down in the seat pocket. So there were headsets, but only for psychics. Fortunately, I didn't want to watch Shark's Tale.

Got to Denver and had a layover of an hour and a half or so, and I wandered around, grabbing a rather nasty chili dog, but that was the best of the food that was on offer between the gate I came in to and the gate I was going out from.

I got to the gate and sat down. In a little minute, there was an announcement, "We are still waiting for five more people to give up their seats on this flight! We'll give you a free trip!" and I raced over to the desk.

"What was that?"
"We switched planes from a 70 seater to a 50 seater and needed 20 people to give up their seats and take the next flight to Burbank. If you will, you'll get a free round trip ticket to anywhere in the lower 48 and a food voucher and please please please give up your seat!!"
"When is the next flight to Burbank?"
In three hours."
"Great! I'll do it!"

Who wouldn't take this offer? I guess if you have to switch to another flight or something, but it's not as though Burbank is a gigantic hub. But a three-hour difference of when I get there and a free ticket? Totally!

I wished that I hadn't already eaten, especially since I found a McDonald's as I wandered around the airport for three hours. I had to spend that $13 food voucher that they gave me on that day, or I would have saved it for the trip back.

I tried to spend it on a toy for baby Vivien or a book for my Mom, but I could only spend it on food. The toy was inexpensive enough that I bought it anyway, but I couldn't afford the book.

I really wasn't interested in eating, but I found a candy shop and got a caramel apple and some fudge and a few french mints and a chocolate cream. Why a single chocolate cream? Because the woman would not give me a penny of change, I had to spend that $13 or lose it! I actually ended up having to pay 12˘.

So yeah, four hours in the Denver airport was less than fun. Had I actually had the phone number of the one person whom I know in Denver, it probably would have been a trifle more entertaining, but planning ahead is not my forte.

I wandered around, making whiny phone calls about how bored I was and editing my phone book. Another reason to prefer my old phone, you could put street addresses and notes in it, I would put which bus to take to places in New Jersey, but you can only put email addresses and phone numbers in this new phone. I figured out quickly how to make almost anything look like an email address.

The most annoying part of the Denver airport was the big signs pointing me towards the SMOKING LOUNGE. "Hooray!" I thought, "At last an airport civilized enough to not be completely non-smoking!"

Yeah, except for when I got there, there was a big sign outside saying that if you were going to go into the SMOKING LOUNGE, there was, in fact, a two-drink minimum. Ys, in Denver they will let you smoke, but you have to pay for the privilege. Less civilized by the minute.

Finally, I got to go on my second flight, and it was not only half-full, but it was also a much larger plane with more legroom than the earlier flight.

I was so glad that I hadn't gone on the 70-seat plane downgraded to a 50-seat plane with exactly 50 people on it--I far preferred this 70-seat plane with about 25 people on it. Much more my style.

Got to Burbank, Mom picked me up, we went to the supermarket and bought all of my favourite foods, half of which I won't have the opportunity to eat before going back to NY. Mom hates getting stuck with those pierogis year after year, but hope springs eternal.

But the best part was letting poor Balders out of the carrier. Even doped up, he was remarkably good for being cooped up for about 14 or 15 hours. What a brave little soldier.

Unlike when he came home with me in March, though, he didn't hide under the bed, he ran around clearly thinking, "Hey, I remember this place!"

So do I remember this place. It's home.

Today would have been my father's 89th birthday. Happy birthday, Daddy, I miss you every day, every minute.

Today's horoscope:
A family member has been out of touch, and while you're not really anxious to hear the lecture you just know is coming, you do need to reestablish contact. Better do it now, while you feel sufficiently motivated.

One year ago today:
The flight was okay, I slept on and off for about four hours, and fortunately wasn't interrupted by the constant serving of meals and giving of food (thanks America West!), there only being a couple of passes by with soda and individually packaged cinnamon cookies.

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Last Updated Wed 29 December 00:18:09 2004