Here's what I'm trying to figure out, what the hell is wrong with me?

I was thinking about that last night, and thinking that maybe I didn't want to see that therapist tomorrow or that other therapist on Thursday, that maybe I didn't want to be in therapy. And then it occurred to me that maybe I didn't want to be in therapy because I didn't want to admit to anyone that there is something really wrong with me.

Why am I never in a normal relationship? I know that other people have dates and boyfriends and things, I've read about it, I've seen it on TV, hell, even my friends are in them--so why am I always in these peculiar situations? I'm always doing these things that sort of are relationships and sort of aren't and we're sort of dating and sort of not and I'm sort of in love and he's sort of not.

What is wrong with me that nobody ever wants to date me? People enjoy my company, people like to be with me, how come nobody on the planet fucking earth wants to be my boyfriend? I have had four real actual boyfriends in my life, Aaron, Geoffrey, Greg and James. Other things I have turned into boyfriends in my memory, but I know it's all a lie.

And I know what I look like, and I know that what men really want are beautiful women, not women with good personalities, but I know that it's not only beautiful women who get dates and boyfriends and fiances and husbands and relationships and love, I know it's not.

I don't like this life.

Did all this come up because I was watching Miss Match?

Thank God it's almost October, I didn't much care for September. I said that about August, too. Will I ever like a month? Will there ever be a month again that I will regret being over? Time is relative, anyway, it's not as though months mean anything, it's all a man-made concept--it's just day after dreary day, what month it may or may not doesn't change anything at all.

Today's horoscope:
Stop holding yourself back. You've adopted a general guideline as your personal set of responsibilities. Step aside and let someone else pick up the slack. This is one rest that you have earned.

One year ago today:
Speaking of being happy about not liking things, I tried the Tipton Charles Eucalyptus body lotion, and hooray! I hate it! It made me smell strongly of cough drops. Thank God there's something I don't have to buy at that place.

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Last Updated Mon 29 September 21:10:09 2003