I am getting so many sweet emails, I really am, I do love you guys a lot. I'm hearing from people who have had bad break-ups, from people who have been in similar situations to my own (though Lord knows, there has never been a situation as weird or as complicated in quite the same fashion as this one), and the anorexics and former anorexics amongst my readership have been checking in as well!

Sometimes I think when I write stuff like that in my last entry, that it will seem as though I am trying to get sympathy, "Look at me over here, I am not eating! Watch me watch me watch me! See? Not eating!" and maybe I shouldn't mention it in such an obvious way, but on the other hand, merely alluding to it could seem even worse, "Worry about me as I casually mention that I haven't eaten today! I will stand here, mildly pathetic, and wait for you to notice..."

But then I think, fuck it. I'm feeling this way and I'm behaving this way and I'm going to talk about it if I want to and people are going to react or not react as they choose to do so.

And frankly, as long as I'm talking about it, it's okay. If I were hiding it, if I were saying that I was eating, that would be the danger sign.

That said, the eating update (in a not-pitiful, manipulative way) is that I am actually doing something that I have been wishing that I could get back to. I lost an absolute ton of weight in college accidentally (honestly, I didn't even notice that it had happened until I had lost about 50 lbs) by eating a big breakfast, no lunch and then a tiny little bit of starch around 5p, like some rice or noodles.

Of course, that later did turn into anorexia (which I got myself out of because I realized that I no longer liked or took any pleasure in food and I missed the joy of eating and tasting), and right now I'm eating a small breakfast and then skipping the bit about the rice later on--though I did have popcorn yesterday at the movies, but it's in the same general ballpark.

I know that it's an easy thing to start and a hard thing to stop, but the way I figure it, it took quite some time for that to turn into my being 40 lbs underweight (I looked pretty damn good at 15-20 lbs underweight, though), and since I am currently around 100 lbs overweight, there's quite a while to go before I hit any danger levels, not to mention the fact that it took quite a while before not eating turned into an obsession.

Omar said to me, "No man is worth it," but what he didn't get is that it's not about him anymore. It's about me.

Today's horoscope:
The stars stimulate your mutable nature. Yield cheerfully to pressure. You'll help people even when they forget how to ask nicely. The favor will be returned sooner than you think.

One year ago today:
A teeny bit cheesy, but not really, as they clearly are the men who should be applauded, not some monkeys who made a movie about them. They have one of them there to speak with them. He'd better not get played off, or the audience will storm the control booth and hang the director by his entrails.

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Last Updated Tues 23 September 16:45:09 2003