It's Saturday, so I must be depressed, right? Nope, it's Saturday and I'm angry as hell.

I hate him, I'm so mad at him right now. We had rehearsal yesterday and I saw him for the first time in nearly a week, and the rehearsal went quite well, and then afterwards I showed him the pictures that I had blown up and the contact sheets, and he was extremely critical of himself in them, but I think that he will like them in time.

Then, afterwards we were going to go out. He had asked me out. He had said that after rehearsal, if it didn't go too late, let's go see the vampire movie, so I was all ready to go see the vampire movie. So I said, "Are we going out?" and he said, "No, I don't think so, I really need to learn my lines." "Well, I can't argue with that," I said, "But I wish you could learn them without standing me up." So he asked what time the movie was, and said that he'd call me either way and he dropped me off at the theatre and went to the gym.

Now, it's not as though I didn't know that we weren't going to the movie, whenever he says "maybe", it always ends up being "no", but I did actually expect him to call, and he didn't. Well, he did, but not until 9.20p. I got out of the show at 8.20p, went to the theatre and saw that the movie was sold out, so he was off the hook, but I thought that maybe we could get some dinner together.

So I went over to the bar, thinking that he would call at any time, and I put my phone on the table and I got a soda and I ate the blue corn muffins out of the bread basket and I ordered my food and I ate my food and I paid and I left and I got on the van and went home and just as we were about to go into the tunnel, the phone rang.

He was tired after working out, he had had to get something to eat (I interrupted, "Yeah, I ate too, I was hoping we could eat together"), he had forgotten his phone at the apartment. I asked him a question about rehearsal on Sunday, got my answer and hung up on him. I'm so mad I can't see straight.

Fortunately, I know that this won't affect the show, that I am perfectly capable of directing him while simultaneously not speaking to him, but I also know that while we are doing this show, I cannot make a big pronouncement like, "I want you to imagine your life without me in it, and if the thought fills you with joy, then this is your lucky day. But if it doesn't, you'd better do something about it quick, because I'm not going to let you fucking walk all over me anymore."

I've made it so easy for him to treat me like shit. I've told him that I love him completely, no matter what, and that he cannot lose me. Clearly, this means that he can act like an asshole and I will act like a doormat. It means that he can faff around with his life forever and I will always be there as a backup for him. I have never done anything but be supportive and be loving and let him follow his fucking whims and caprices.

When he wants me, he calls me every fucking day and talks to me for an hour, when he wants me, we see each other constantly. When he doesn't, if doesn't't matter what I do, I will get no response. Everything has been the way that he wants it, and I'm sick of it. I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he's fucking it up.

He's told me a couple of times that he doesn't want anything that he can get too easily, he wants to chase, but I am incapable of playing those games so I just acted like a grownup for the first time in my life and said, here I am, I love you. I need to take the fucking hint.

Of course, I need to ask myself the same question, can I picture my life without him? And does it make me happy?

Today's horoscope:
Lose yourself in the social whirl. Play a positive role in someone else's experience, whether they're a novice or a veteran. Everybody's personal strength is on display. Applaud if you want to be applauded.

One year ago today:
Nothing to say, really, yesterday was a day of smoothness and dullness, so smooth and dull that I really cannot remember a single thing about it.

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Last Updated Sat 20 September 10:50:09 2003