So for the past couple of nights, the goddamn Weehawken high school marching band has been practicing on the Little League field that I live next door to.

I don't so much remember this in previous years, or maybe it just was not so constant or so near. Or so early. I've always thought that they were practicing for the Macy's Parade, since they usually start nearer Thanksgiving than this.

It's been three nights so far. In a row. Same tunes. For about three hours at a time. I rather hope that they start getting it right soon, because it's getting very old very quickly.

Spent yesterday clearing off my TiVo, watching MI-5 and The Mayor of Casterbridge. Man, that Thomas Hardy must have been a barrel of laughs, he never once wrote a word about a single person who was ever happy for even a second.

You sin once and you pay and pay and pay, or you don't sin at all but you still pay for someone else's sins. You are a good person, you die unhappily and punished, you are a bad person, you die unhappily and punished. Life is grim and then you die. And probably don't go to heaven, because there is no way you can ever be good enough.

I'll bet everyone just avoided him like crazy, "Dear Lord, there's Glum Tom, pretend you didn't see him!"

I got an email yesterday that really meant a great deal to me. I cannot reprint it here, because it would seem too big-headed of me, it said too many nice things.

But it made me think that I'm doing the right thing, being so open here, and saying what I'm feeling and what I'm going through is the right thing to do. No matter what happens in this life, in this relationship, loving with an open heart and talking freely about it was the only thing to do.

I want this all to work out, I want Omar and I to walk side by side through life, but even if it doesn't happen, I'm so pleased to have had the opportunity to feel this way and to tell these things. I am thirty-nine years old and have waited my entire life to feel this way. He is the one who has taught me to be this way, to love without expecting anything in return, because the joy of loving is its own reward.

Even considering the fact that it doesn't always tickle. For instance, I cried myself to sleep last night. For no good reason, nothing bad happened, nothing happened at all, it's just sometimes it's hard to stay positive when all I really have is limbo.

On the other hand, I feel as though all of the romantics and the closet romantics in the world have pinned all of their hopes on me, and I will feel so guilty if I don't live happily ever after...

Today's horoscope:
The walls are closing in. Remove yourself to a place where boundaries don't matter nearly as much. Everyone understands the benefits of starting the fun early.

One year ago today:
There wasn't a chance that Iron Chef would have anything on it that I didn't want to watch, except for the regular things that you don't want to watch, like fish innards.

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Last Updated Fri 12 September 13:00:09 2003