So yesterday I woke up to the cold and the rain and ended up wearing a t-shirt instead of a beater, jeans instead of shorts, and a jacket. I did not wear shoes and socks, since I cling to my sandals until the snow flies, but besides that I didn't recognize myself.

It was one of those things like Nature says, "It's September, time to turn off the heat!" Someone needs to remind ol' Nature that we had the rainiest June in history and we are owed the warmest and sunniest September in history. I'll even accept October. Get with it. And no mosquitos. I have like eight new bites just from talking to Omar on the phone in the backyard for half an hour last night.

So yesterday was Labor Day and I decided to take advantage of the Labor Day sales and buy myself a new comforter.

My old comforter is about a decade old and sprinkles my bedroom gently with an even layer of down at all times, and since I have spent about the past two years saying that I was going to sew up the little rips in it, which is clearly a giant lie, I figured that it was about time to just get something new.

Also, I had a $50 gift card from Macy's. Let me restate that, I had an expired gift card from Macy's. It was a Christmas present from the controller at The Company That Must Not Be Named several years ago, and it expired on January 31st this year, but since I never used it, I thought they'd probably turn it back on for me.

So I trudged out into the rain. When I got to Macy's, I went to the front desk, "Can I help you?" "I have an expired gift card, how do I get it turned back on?" "Okay, you need to go down the aisle and up the stairs and round the corner to The Vault." (why does this sound like an S&M club?)

So I went down the aisle and up the stairs and round the corner to The Vault, where I ran into a security guard. "Can I help you?" "I was told to go to The Vault." "For what reason?" "I have an expired gift card, and I need to get it turned back on." "No no no, you don't want to be here, go to the floor and find a manager. They wear white flowers."

So I wandered around for like a minute looking for the elusive white flowers, and then I went to a register. "Can I help you?" "I need a manager." "For what reason?" "I have an expired gift card, and I need to get it turned back on." "No no no, you don't need a manager, you need to call the number on the back of the card.

So I found a spot in Macy's where I get cell service and called the Gift Card Hotline. "Can I help you?" "I have an expired gift card, and I need to get it turned back on." "No no no, you need to go to a store and find a manager." "I am in a store right now." "Then find a manager!" So clearly what was happening here was that every person was going to tell me that what the person before them told me was crap. It was like an experiment to see how long it would take me to break.

So I went to another register. "Can I help you?" "I need a manager." "For what reason?" "I have an expired gift card, and I need to get it turned back on." If he was going to say to me "No no no" anything, I was going to go for his jugular, but he went off to find me a manager. When she got there, she said "Can I help you?" "I have an expired gift card, and I need to get it turned back on." "Do you have your items?" "No, I haven't gotten them yet because I wanted to make sure that I could get it turned back on." "Just get your stuff and take it to the register and then they'll get a manager and then they'll turn it back on." Well, okey-dokey then.

So I went to the linens floor (first stopping it Jockey and grabbing a couple of new beaters on sale for $7.50) and started looking through the comforters. Lots of them were way too expensive even on sale, and the ones that were decently $79 or $89 were only in King or Twin sizes, as it was the third day of the sale and all of the Queens had been snapped up.

But then I found a bin of comforters without a price on them that still had Queens, and each comforter came with two free pillows. So I got in the long queue with my comforter and my beaters and waited for about twenty minutes, thinking "Geez, I really hope that I'm not standing in this line for nothing, this comforter better not be over $100!" And then I got to the front of the line and she scanned it at it was $59! Score!

So I said "I have an expired gift card, and I need to get it turned back on," and she called the manager, and I thought for certain that I had passed all of the problems and it would be smooth sailing from now on. Admittedly, I should have known better, but that's me, a cockeyed optimist.

So I waited and waited, then said, "Look, the line is a mile long, why don't you take the next person?" and she agreed and took my bag and put it down behind the counter with her and took the next customer. Naturally, the second that she started with the next customer, the manager showed up, took my card, called the Gift Card Hotline and turned my card back on. The next customer was buying a ton of bedding, so I had to wait, but then finally she gathered all of her bags (saying, "Wow, did I buy all this stuff?") and left.

Then the cashier rung up my gift card and I paid the extra $30, then she smiled at me and said, "Thanks very much, have a nice day!" "Um, where's my bag?" "It's...I put it...o my God!" and I started to laugh my ass off. She had given it to the other customer! The one who said, "Wow, did I buy all this stuff?" Why no, you didn't.

So she called the manager and I stood there for absolutely ages ("Sorry, she's the only manager on the whole floor!") and she finally got there and we explained that another customer had gone off with my bag, and she said, "Well, there's not much we can do, you can file a report if you like..." "No wait, you're missing the point, she didn't steal my bag, she (totally grassing on the cashier) gave it to her!!"

After a bit more of an exchange, she told me to just get my stuff again, and fortunately there was another Queen comforter (if there hadn't been, I would have pitched a fit like you would not believe) and beaters in the right size and colours, so I was able to exactly recreate my original purchase, then she charged me again (I am suspicious that that $30 charge will appear on my bank statement twice) and I escaped with my $9 comforter. Stopping at Origins for shampoo and conditioner and getting a quick birthday present for Omar inspired by Dawn. Then I escaped.

I went downtown to Barnes and Nobel to use my birthday present from Colleen and had a much easier time, buying The Zygote Chronicles and Three By Finney, having to pay about $3 extra. So I could say that I ended up getting two free books and buying a comforter for $9 or I could say that I went out and spent $73 that I don't have. I prefer the former.

Today's horoscope:
Engage the senses of people that need to be convinced. Having studied your audience or customers, you can anticipate their moves. Be ready to board the next train that's heading in your favorite direction.

One year ago today:
The script was excellent, the acting was very deep and simple and clear, it was really funny but it wasn't a comedy, I can't explain. This is why I am not a movie reviewer.

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