The good thing about crying in the shower is that you are wet before you even start.

For his birthday yesterday I emailed him and wished him a happy one, and he emailed me back. This short little polite email, thanking me for my good wishes. I'd rather he not answer me at all than answer me like that. It practically said, "I wish you the best in all of your future endeavors."

He said "love" at the end rather than "luv" as he does half the time, and which I hate desperately, so that was something. Love.

I miss him so much, I do, I want to email him and say what I was saying in the shower, I miss you, Omar, I miss you I miss you I miss you, come home to me, please come home. Omar, come home.

But I know that I can't do that, I have to wait for him to finish getting well, I have to wait for him to decide whether he wants to come home to me or not. I have to back off, stay away, leave him be, not push. I have to do all of the hardest things in the world.

What he has to do is hard, too, he has to find himself in the miasma of his own head, but what I have to do is much harder. I have to wait, be patient, and let go of him. And hope. Because hope is the anchor.

Reading it over later, it wasn't as bad as all that. It was sweet, not cold, not painfully polite. But I like his emails better when he sounds a bit more as though we have met.

So last night we had our first rehearsal for Blackberry Frost where I had a full cast! It was quite thrilling. And it was not only good from the standpoint that I could listen to the show without having to read in a role or three, it was also good to hear the cast come together as a cast and really gel.

I think that it might end up being a good show!

And I emailed Le and asked him for help on how to set up my stage, how to have an indoor/outdoor set with a porch and a store and a gas pump and a scale and a working Coke machine! He said the one thing that never occurred to me--to have the store be upstage and the porch downstage, rather than splitting the stage in half, which will work much better.

O, and the gas pump and the scale and the working Coke machine will be invisible. That's a load off my mind.

Today's horoscope:
Romance is a practical, orderly visitor in your house. You're as focused as a laser despite being full of daydreams or love-struck. Goal-oriented people are awesome to behold when they let their feelings take over.

One year ago today:
"How do you know that you don't like it if you haven't tried it?!" I said. Somehow, lightning didn't strike me. And I don't want to hear a single word about either pots or kettles. Anyway, she tried it and loved it and this should be a lesson to us all. Except for me.

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Last Updated Thurs 30 October 21:13:09 2003