So yesterday I finally heard from Omar.

First I went to therapy, and I was much better than the day before--on Wednesday she told me that looking at my face and hearing my voice was painful for her (this was after I had said that I wasn't actually depressed), and then yesterday I was in a much better mood.

The sun was out and the sky was blue, and I am always better when there is sun and light, and I had let go. He will contact me when he contacts me, I thought, and I will react when that happens. And when I got home, the email was waiting for me.

What had happened was what I assumed had happened, that he had gone to ground, that he was in mourning for his life, like Masha, that he was going to go to the show with me, but then he was too fucked up and unhappy and crazy and blah blah blah fishcakes.

You know how I wasn't angry? The second I got that email, I found my anger, and boy was it angry. And I wrote him a furious email telling me that in treating me that way that he was acting like his ex, cold and hurtful. I told him that he could do whatever mourning he needed to do, but he would have to earn the right to be with me again afterwards. That I was not a doormat, but clearly I kept acting like one since he kept thinking that it was okay to walk all over me.

I read it over afterwards, and perhaps I was a little too angry, perhaps I shouldn't have waited until the last paragraph to soften the triflest bit, but one thing that characterizes our relationship is that I always let him know exactly how I am feeling at the exact moment that I am feeling it.

So we'll see what happens after this, but I told him what I had to tell him and the ball is firmly in his court. And now that I have had the opportunity to tell him how I feel and how angry and hurt I was, the anger and hurt is completely gone and I am free to just love him. Which I do.

Today's horoscope:
Don't let go, no matter who tells you that it would be a good idea. A strong water influence will answer most of your questions over the next few days. After all this time, an old offer is still valid.

One year ago today:
On Saturday I'll have Lee but not Moira, so I'll have to block Lee and remember where the invisible Moira is. It's like playing baseball with Calvin and Hobbes.

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Last Updated Sun 26 October 14:23:09 2003