Yesterday was just about one of the worst days of my entire life. Or, let me clarify, one of the worst days of my entire life not to involve that Cuban I'm in love with.

The first thing that happened was my little Monty collapsed.

He was on the floor, and suddenly I noticed that his legs were all splayed and he was making this funny sound, that I realized was panting, so I picked him up and put him in my lap, and he was completely limp like a rag doll, except for his head and neck, and he was panting so loudly.

After a little minute, I had to move my arm to get my phone out of my pocket, and he jumped down and crawled into the TV cabinet next to the VCR, and all I could hear was that panting. I started crying and called Omar, leaving this incoherent, weeping message, then wrote to my notify list, and by the time I finished, the panting noise had stopped.

I didn't want to look, I didn't want to see, but I did look, and he was looking fine, all alert and relatively normal. But I noticed that the spot where he had collapsed was all wet--he had lost control of his bladder. And I think that this may only be the beginning.

He's eighteen years old, so he's been wobbly on his back legs for years, and he finds jumping difficult, and the sore on his cheek won't heal because he keeps scratching off the scab, but I can't put a collar on him because his balance is so bad and he would find it impossible to get around and to eat and drink, I know he would.

Cynthia was gone with the car, and even if she wasn't, he is so old and I know that if I took him into the vet, it would kill him. And if he is going to die, he is going to die anyway, vet or no vet, but the shock of going in the car and being at the vet and being in a cage would kill him faster, I know this.

Maybe it's just a temporary thing, this collapse and pant. He was fine earlier, purring and even washing himself a little, which he is not all that good at anymore. But I think that maybe I won't have him for much longer. My baby boy, my first boy, my little monkey.

The rest of this entry has been removed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

Today's horoscope:
With no time to check in, assume that everyone is doing their best. Someone is a motivational but jittery presence in your life. Unless there's a real deadline, maybe you're pushing yourself too hard.

One year ago today:
The thing that made me laugh was that not a single person at work mentioned my unshakable Mississippi accent that I am currently sporting, nor the fact that my face was covered in glitter.

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Last Updated Wed 15 October 00:57:09 2003