I'm wearing dirty clothing and haven't bathed since Sunday. I brushed my teeth on Tuesday, though. Also, I have done nothing for two days but smoke and eat ice cream.

What does this mean? Yes, it's depression time again! I think I get depressed after shows end because I have time to be depressed, not because I wish the show wasn't over, at least when it's a show that Omar isn't in.

I honestly cannot imagine being happy. And this from Kymmie Sunshine, from Pollyanna Kymm! But it's true, the idea of being honestly happy, over-the-moon happy, is as foreign to me as the idea of flapping my arms and flying to the moon.

On the news there are all of these stories about poor people getting help over the holidays, Alonzo Morning needing a kidney, the ten people who died on the Staten Island Ferry, a boy with Lou Gehrig's disease, it's not as though I don't know that my problems aren't very big or important, but they are mine and my unhappiness is mine as well. The idea that I am healthy and relatively solvent and that things could be so much worse, it's not making things brighter.

I'm beginning to think that loneliness is worse than hunger, worse than cold, because it's a hunger and coldness inside that cannot be fixed with food or warmth. Sometimes it can't be fixed at all.

I was going to go with Moira and some friends to watch the balloons being blown up for the Macy's Parade,so I called her and told her that I was depressed and she should give me a reason to leave my house. She said that she would, except that she had canceled the party because she is sick, so I was off the hook. She didn't call me and tell me about the cancellation because she had invited me verbally and I wasn't on the email list that she had initially invited.

We talked for a little while instead, about the casting for the show and so on, and I felt better when I hung up. It's always better to talk to someone, even if you don't talk about why you are depressed. Or maybe if you especially don't talk about why you are depressed.

In the middle of this, however, I decided to write a new profile and do the online dating thing again.

Last time I did it, I got some responses, but didn't respond to any of them and took the profile down. I still think that it isn't particularly fair to anyone that I might date right now, the fact that I am completely in love with someone already, but on the other hand, at this point we are stepped back from our relationship and why shouldn't I just meet someone and casually date them?

Because I don't know how and I've never done it, that's why. But Mo is dating 17 people or whatever, and she is an inspiration to me. Will dating 17 people make me happy? Not when one of them isn't Omar, but maybe I'll make some new friends.

Thanks to Fractious Times, I found this fun site and made these two snowflakes. I wasn't depressed for the ten minutes it took to make them, which is my highest recommendation at this time!

Today's horoscope:
Earth signs are natural hosts. Create the situation that you'd most want to experience at someone else's house. Those that come to eat at your table are sure to get the royal treatment.

One year ago today:
Recently it seems that I've been on a two days on, two days off schedule. Two days as myself and two days riding on the Wild Mouse Roller Coaster of Mood Swings.

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Last Updated Wed 26 November 18:45:09 2003