So yesterday I got tired of sitting around the house and not having anything to write about, so I put on clothes and went into the city and went to the movies.

I decided to watch Bruce Almighty, which I liked very much. It reminded me quite a bit of my beloved Groundhog Day, not to say that it is a perfect romantic comedy, I don't want to mislead you, but in terms of the basic "kind of an asshole gains some magical powers, becomes more of an asshole, then realizes that he could use said magical powers to attain true happiness and becomes a better person in the bargain", it's more or less the same sort of movie.

Hope I didn't just spoil the whole thing for you. Anyway, of course, as I said, it doesn't attain the dizzying heights of Groundhog Day, but it's quite entertaining. I laughed when I was supposed to laugh and cried when I was supposed to cry, it was just fine. I'm damning with faint praise, it seems, but I don't mean to, honestly, it's a perfectly reasonable movie. It just ain't no Groundhog Day.

Then last night, there was a tiny little hiccup in my life.

I got an email from Omar, dropping out of Moon and, incidentally, breaking up with me. Not because he doesn't particularly care for me, but because he doesn't particularly care for himself and everything he touches turns to shit. Apparently.

I read this email, and I didn't panic and I didn't cry and I didn't get upset--what I did was think, "This isn't how this goes." So I called him. And he picked up the phone, which surprised the hell out of me, and I said, "What the hell do you mean, sending me an email like that? Why can't you call me like a normal person?" Not the most auspicious beginning, but heartfelt on my part.

And we talked for about an hour. For the very first time, about our relationship and our feelings for ourselves and each other and what we want and what we can handle right now and so on. And by the time we finished, we decided to take a little space, but not throw everything away.

When we hung up, I decided to write him an email, because although I was very open over the phone, there was a great deal of emotion whirling around and I wanted to make certain that I was completely clear. So I wrote a seventeen paragraph email where I told him every single thing that I feel and think and want without worrying about his reaction. What I was telling him was that he had to own his feelings, so of course I had to do the same--not telling him what I thought that he thought, or amending what I was saying according to what I imagined his reaction would be. Just the truth.

If you are a new reader, you may not understand the significance of this, because I never tell a man that I am in love with what I feel without their saying it first--my fear of rejection and abandonment is so extreme that I prefer to stay silent rather than risk any pain. I remember once Lucy said to me, regarding Nik I think, "Why on earth don't you talk to him and find out how he feels?" and I answered that I was too afraid that the answer would be that he didn't want me, and as long as I didn't know, then I still had hope. But I realize now that not knowing the truth doesn't make the truth any different, and for the first time that the fear of what would happen if I did not speak was greater than my fear of exposing myself.

That's not quite right, it was more that for the first time there was no fear whatsoever, there was no other idea in my head but to say what I said, because to not do so was death. I guess all of the other times I didn't speak taught me enough so that when this came along, the most important one, I was able to do what needed to be done.

And basically, it didn't matter what he said. That's not true, of course it mattered, but since I did everything I could do, if he rejected me because he didn't want to be with me, then I could move on with a free heart, because I had done everything that I could do. "I don't want you," is not something that you can argue with. "I am no good for you because I am no good for anyone, I only bring pain" is in fact something that can be argued, the argument being, "Don't make my decisions for me."

If I had let him do this without trying my best to dissuade him, I would have no chance of happiness in my life, because if I couldn't be honest and open with Omar, I would be dead inside.

Anyway, I sent him this email and he answered me, and we will see what happens. We can go as slowly as we need to, the slower you build upward the more solid a foundation you have, like a pyramid. If you rush things, then you can end up with an upside-down pyramid, no foundation with a huge amount of baggage at the top.

I think that now we have a chance for a real relationship based on honestly and openness and love. Perhaps this is the first time that I have ever been in the position of having a relationship like that, the only kind worth having. We're going to keep seeing each other, and hopefully we will be able to heal ourselves and each other.

Lenten entries missed:

Dorothy realized that it was her fault I lost my job, went to Wales, talked about haggis, and had nightmares about teaching Ulysses.

Today's horoscope:
Your search for answers takes a giant step forward. Most of those that you approach enjoy being interviewed. Outreach only leads you deeper into the science of your own soul. These days you like what you see.

One year ago today:
Grandma shouldn't be saying lines like, "It's not the size, it's how you use it. That reminds me, I really have to call that guy in Chicago." Eeyew! Ick ick ick!! I need to scrub out my ears with brillo pads.

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Last Updated Mon 2 June 01:55:09 2003