I came home yesterday afternoon when it was all over and said to Cynthia, "Man, I can't walk out of my front door to do anything in New Jersey without it becoming a damn adventure!"

It all started with my making appointments to get a mammogram and a chest x-ray and to go to the gynecologist. I made my mammo and x-ray appointment for Monday and my GYN for yesterday, but the imaging place called to reschedule, since the x-ray machine was going to be serviced on Monday. They suggested yesterday at 11a, and I asked whether I would be able to make a 12.30p appointment elsewhere, and they assured me that it wouldn't be a problem.

The second snag occurred on Tuesday, when Jon cracked up the car (he drove into a tree while parking), which meant it was in the shop yesterday and I couldn't borrow it for my appointments. The imaging place is at the old Sears building (didn't mean anything to me either, but that's how people insist on describing it to me) which is by the House of Pancakes and therefor quite walkable, and the GYN was just up the boulevard, and I could get a taxi and then walk back.

My own personal first mistake was leaving the house without getting a number for a taxi company from Cynthia, and my second was being nearly at Park before realizing that I had left my cell phone behind, but decided not to take the time to go home and get it because I was already running a little late. It was at that very moment that, unbeknownst to me, the adventure began.

I got to my 11a appointment pretty much at 11a, filled in my forms and sat down. And stayed down for absolutely ages.

Can somebody tell me why they bother making appointments if they then just make you wait for hours on end? It's not even as though they had tons of people waiting and were seeing them in order, there weren't many people there, and in the hour and a half that I sat there, they brought maybe two people in ahead of me.

By 12.15p, I was pretty certain that making my 12.30p GYN appointment was beyond my capabilities, so I asked to use their phone and rang the doctor to tell them that I was running I didn't know how late. "That's fine," the cheerful receptionist said, "We had several cancellations, so just come whenever you can!"

At 12.30p they finally called me in and I had my first mammo. For those who have never had one, it means that they take your breast and squash it as flat as a pancake between two pieces of glass and then take a picture of it. Then, once they have done it twice, they do it twice more, squashing it vertically rather than horizontally.

What that really means is that you are standing there topless for twenty minutes as a technician hoists your boob into the right position, poking and prodding and moving it and slapping it onto the glass as though you are at a deli counter. It is a most peculiar feeling. It's also a bit like adjusting a TV antenna--in order to have you breast in the right position, your arms and legs and shoulder and pelvis have to all be in the right positions as well. I usually ended up standing on one foot. It was rather like playing Topless Statues.

She went and checked the films, did one of the views again, then took me to get my chest x-rayed. Around that time, they realized that they were missing one of my forms. I had in fact filled it out, but it was very short and wouldn't have minded filling it out again, but instead they asked me 63 times whether I had filled it out. Every time I turned around, someone else was asking me about the bloody form. It was far more irritating than the actual boob squashing.

After the x-ray, when I went out to the desk to finally fill out the form again, they found the old one in a random file. Don't ask me. Anyway, it was 1p, and I was off to the gynecologist on 10th St.

I decided not to have them call a taxi for me after all, as I was already late and they had told me just to get there when I could get there, so I just started to walk. Another red flag might be raised now, for those of you who are paying attention.

I started walking down Kennedy Blvd. I was on 32nd St. and had to get to 10th St., so I just started walking. I saw a bud stop across the street, so I crossed and waited. A van came along, like the one that I take into the city, but that goes down Kennedy for a dollar, and my God, I just felt so smart!

I got off at 10th St. and felt even smarter. Here I was, going around New Jersey all by myself like a big girl! So I walked up 10th St. to the address that I had, knocked on the door, and to the guy who answered I said, "Is this a doctor's office?" "No, it isn't." "Why isn't it?" "What town did you mean to be in? This is Union City, did you want Secaucus?" Suddenly, I didn't feel so smart.

"Where is Secaucus?" "It's the next town over that way." "Is it walkable? I'm walking." "I'm not sure." "Is it the same 10th St.?" "I really don't know." So I started walking.

Down 10th St. and down 10th St. and down 10th St. some more, until it actually ended down on a boulevard. There was a gas station right there and I went over and asked where 10th St. was, "Not that 10th St., the other 10th St.!" I said as the attendant looked curiously at the sign above my head. He said to go up the onramp and head towards the right, so I did that even though I realized that he probably thought that I had a car.

So I walked up the onramp and started trudging down 1 & 9. Yes, the dreaded 1 & 9 that I always get lost on when driving, I was walking along. There was a sidewalk, it wasn't like in L.A. walking along the freeway, but as I was walking in the direction indicated, being passed by dozens of huge truck, I started to feel as though I wasn't so much walking to a place where people would be. I also started to feel extremely hot and extremely tired and extremely thirsty, and I rather wished that I hadn't worn a the same beater that I wore to Coney a few days before, since I was getting more sunburn exactly on the bits that were already well-burned.

Finally, I decided to turn around, so I did, but rather than go back the long way that I came, I cut down the hill and walked through the swamp and crossed the railroad tracks and felt rather like Huckleberry Finn, then started down the road going the other way. And I walked and walked and walked, really rather hoping that I'd find a place to make a phone call from, or possibly a drink of water or a place to pee. Any of these places would be alright by me.

A toilet sitting between a water fountain and a phone would be the best of all possible worlds, but I wasn't picky.

Then I came upon the Starlite Motel. I felt like the three Wisemans arriving at the stable, the star to guide me and so on. It looked like a regular travelers's motel, and it clearly was. However, when I went into the dim lobby area, I did also see the big huge sign offering the tired traveler to chance to rest for three hours in a king sized round bed for the low low price of $55. Isn't that thoughtful of them?

In the lobby was a mildly creepy-looking guy making a collect call on the pay phone and a clerk behind a thick, bullet-proof plexiglass partition. I asked the clerk how far I was from Secaucus, particularly for someone without an actual car, and the creepy guy opined that it was at least an hour's walk. In a direction opposite from the one that I happened to have been walking, so my decision to give up the walking and go for a taxi was a good one, I thought.

The clerk called me a taxi and sold me a bottle of water, though refused to admit that there were any bathrooms at this motel (possibly had I offered $55 I could have had one for three hours, but I really only had to pee), I went outside to wait for my cab.

Creepy Lobby Guy came out to join me. "I was with a girl and she stole my car." "Really? That's awful!" "Yeah, I went to the bathroom and when I came out, my car and my money were gone." "Did you call the police?" "No, not yet. I'm kind of married." "Ah." And frankly, if a married guy goes to the Starlite Motel with a whore in the middle of a work day, he deserves exactly what he gets.

He continued, "I'm trying to reach a friend to pick me up and drive me home, but I only have 75¢ and everyone is at work. And a taxi home is $6.50." "That's too bad." He went back inside. I waited more, then he, fearing that I was lonely, returned to me. "Say, where do you live?" "Weehawken." "Really? Me too! Can I borrow $6.50? Or $3? I'll pay you back!" "Sorry, I don't have any money."

Then the taxi came and took me away.

We drove and drove and drove. We were probably in the car for 15 minutes, driving at quite a clip. There isn't a chance that I could have walked it without collapsing with heat stroke.

I limped into the GYN office at a quarter to three and stated, "I'm here for my 12.30p appointment!" The nurse looked at the clock and said, "O really?" and I cried, "I did call!" "I know, I remember, don't worry about it." "I've been walking since 1p, I tried to walk here from Union City." "My God, that's too far!" "I know, I thought you were on the 10th St. in Union City! Why are there two 10th Sts.?" "Because they are two different towns!" "That's no excuse!"

So I went to the bathroom (hooray!), filled out my forms, then went into the office and took off my clothes. Man, I don't know how non-actors do this. Actors will fling off their clothes at any opportunity, years spent in co-ed dressing rooms makes shyness foolish, and spending the day either lost outside or naked inside makes you wonder how the more demure among us get through these various girly doctor appointments.

The nurse weighed me the best way that I have ever been weighed before, by letting me stand on the scale and tell her how much I weigh, rather than staring at it and fiddling with weights and everything, which is just dreadful. She asked me, "Are you due for a pap smear?" "Actually I haven't been to the gynecologist for about 15 years!" "Okay, I guess you are due then!"

The doctor was very nice. We discussed the changes in gynecology since my last time at the GYN, he explained how much better pap smears are than even a couple of years ago and I complimented him on the plastic instruments rather than the former metal ones that they seemingly refrigerated before shoving up your cooch, then he gave me a breast exam. Between him and Dr. Daub, who also examined me when I saw her a couple of weeks ago, my breasts haven't seem this much action in years.

Then I got dressed again, had them call another taxi for me, and went home. With a truly spectacular sunburn. No really, it would make your head spin--this is what happens when you wander around in the sun for hours not only a couple of days after getting a sunburn already, but while wearing the exact same outfit. I'm giving up on the thought of getting rid of those tan lines any time soon, there isn't the smallest chance on earth that that will be happening!

And I limped into the house and said to Cynthia, "Man, I can't walk out of my front door to do anything in New Jersey without it becoming a damn adventure!"

Today's horoscope:
Who placed this order? Who chose this movie? Virgo is surprised by someone else's decision. This might not be your idea of fun, but you could learn to like it.

One year ago today:
I have decided to let it all go, there is nothing else I can do, but really, at this point I would cheerfully drink that kid's blood.

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Last Updated Mon 4 August 02:04:09 2003