Thoughts while watching the Golden Globes:

Are tits back in? Between Susan Sarandon, Halle Berry and Salma Hayek, I'd have to say yes. On the other hand, there was also Lara Flynn Boyle who actually seems to be becoming concave--somebody should remind her that it's the Golden Globes.

And the first award, right off the bat, Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture, and that's Meryl Streep for Adaptation. Who looks genuinely startled to have won. When that's real I find it utterly charming.

So far, there has been no Witty Host Banter. Nothing really wrong with that, as it tends to be rather awkward, but this way it seems rather as though the presenters are up there against their will. Were random members of their family kidnapped? At least think of the gift basket and smile, people!

Jennifer Aniston wins for Best Actress in a TV Comedy. For Friends, in case you live in a hole. Whenever people say about their colleagues, "I wouldn't be up here if it wasn't for you!" I always imagine the colleagues thinking, "Then fuck off and give the prize to me!"

Was Eric McCormack not aware that he would be on TV? Did he run out of razor blades? Is he trying to remind everyone for the billionth time that he isn't gay by looking all butch and rugged?

Best Actor in a TV Comedy, Tony Shalhoub for Monk. Yay! That was rather a surprise, but I love him and I love the show and am thrilled to bits.

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture, Chris Cooper for Adaptation. It's nice to see such an under-appreciated actor getting his due at last, but what's up with his hair going white? I hope it's for a role, because he looks older than Paul Newman but not as good.

Best Comedy Series, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Another shock! Up against Friends, Will and Grace, Sex and the City and The Simpsons and Curb Your Enthusiasm wins? I've never seen it, but it had what was by far the funniest clip, so perhaps I should start.

"This is a sad day for the Golden Globes. It is, however, quite a good day for Larry David. I expect the wife will be a little forthcoming tonight. This is what I have to do for sex, I have to win an award. Anyway, thank you Hollywood Foreign Press for what I hope will be a memorable evening. I'd also like to thank HBO and everyone connected with Curb Your Enthusiasm, particularly the people standing behind me. And, of course, I'd like to thank my parents who always taught me that if you have to opportunity to annoy someone, you should do so. Little did they know that one day I'd be doing it on such a massive scale. Thank you."

Best TV Movie or Miniseries, The Gathering Storm. I didn't see any of the nominees, I had no particular interest in any of them winning.

Sarah Jessica Parker is presenting only a couple categories after she lost, I imagine they guessed wrong on that one when they planned the order! I see she's breast-feeding, or perhaps she's so cutting edge, fashion-wise, that she knew that tits would be in for the winter and grew some especially.

There's Michael Chiklis, no longer all humble and looking around wondering why he's here, but all Jack Nicholson-expansive. "Hey, I won an Emmy! Who deserves to be here? That would be me."

And I wrote the above just from seeing his face when the nomination list was read out, and then he won Best Actor in a Drama for The Shield!

Jude Law! For once, not with a buzz-cut. Back to sex-robot lovely again. Sigh.

Brendan Frasier: "Ladies and gentlemen, please salute me!" He did mean to say that the Hollywood Foreign Press should be saluted, but I like his version better. Come on over to my house, Brendan, I'd be happy to salute you.

What the hell happened to Kate Hudson? Why does she look so different? What happened to quirky, lovely Kate Hudson? She looks like she's had work done, but she's like 25 years old, why would she? Maybe she's just made up to look like a Cosmo cover girl.

Clearly, what's in is not only tits but fake tans. Everyone is the exact same shade of golden bronze.

Uma Thurman wins for Best Actress in a TV Movie for Hysterical Blindness. Uma and her fake tan.

Donald Sutherland wins for Best Supporting Actor in Anything on TV Including Infommercials for Path to War. I do adore him. Chris Cooper, this is how you want to look if you let your hair go white, like a gorgeous old lion rather than like a washed-out old rag.

Wow, how much plastic surgery has Sharon Stone had? Good, expensive plastic surgery, that is, she looks spectacular, but rather like her own daughter. She's too young to work with Michael Douglas now. And why is she shrieking? Doesn't she realize that the black thing she is talking into will amplify her voice?

Kieran Culkin must know that he won't win or he wouldn't be chewing gum. Let's hope.

Richard Gere wins for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy. It's been awhile since someone has won for the former and not the latter. When they called his name, he sat and chatted with his wife for about ten seconds before Renee Zellweger shoved him in the direction of the stage. Either he's very blase or very surprised.

Has Sharon Stone been drinking? She keeps leaning in and interrupting Richard Gere's speech. Shut up, woman, you didn't win anything, let him speak. Okay, he's spoken too much, start interrupting him again, he's just babbling on at this point.

Why is Bono reading from a piece of notebook paper? If he's wearing these blue goggles, why aren't they prescription so that can read from the TelePromTer like a normal person?

Is Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent actually getting thicker?

Renee Zellweger wins for Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy. How long is it going to take her to get up to the stage? They'll have time to play the whole score, it looks like. Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones, no award for you! How did she fit all those names on that postage-stamp sized piece of paper?

Best Screenplay, About Schmidt. Man, I haven't seen any of these movies this year, I really have to get my ass out of the house occasionally.

Lara Flynn Boyle, fake lips, fake hair, fake tan, why not also wear a fake ballerina outfit? She sounds a little loaded, too. Maybe it's because her chest isn't quite concave yet, she drinks to forget.

Edie Falco wins for Best Actress in a TV Drama, but she has laryngitis, so she waved her arms around and whispered a little, but then had to go. Would that that had also happened to Richard Gere. This is the sort of thing that would only happen at the Golden Globes.

Colin Farrell, when you are presenting an award, you shouldn't clap for the nominees, it sounds all weirdly amplified, remember the microphone? Ask Sharon Stone, she'll tell you that it's there.

Best Score, Frida.

Best Supporting Actress Who Wandered By a TV Set at Some Point, Kim Catrall for Sex and the City. "You have no idea how many men I'v had to sleep with to get this award," I like that one. That is not a flattering dress, though, it swings out at the sides and makes her look awfully wide, which is pretty untrue, we've seen her nude often enough on the show to know for certain.

U-2 wins for Best Song for Gangs of New York. I'm sure if Bono knew that he was going to win, he would have saved some of his boring speech when he was introducing the movie clips in which to bore us anew. He and Elton John look cute together in their contrasting blue and red plastic goggles. He just said "fucking brilliant!" No eight second delay, I see.

Kristin Davis is presenting. The only non-nominee of her entire cast, that must be kind of annoying. She can comfort herself with the knowledge that she's the prettiest of them all.

The Shield wins Best Drama Series over The Sopranos and 24 and The West Wing and Six Feet Under! There have been an awful lot of surprise winners tonight.

God, we're only an hour and forty-one minutes in. How can there possible be another hour and a half left? How many fucking awards are they giving?

Well, there's the Cecil B. DeMille award to Gene Hackman, for one, being presented by Michael Caine. "Gene's motion picture debut came in 1961 when he played the cop on the left opposite Telly Savalas." Dear God, now it's being presented by Robin Williams. Please let him restrain himself and not be too Robin Williams-y. The show is long enough as it is.

As Gene goes up there and they show all of the actors in the audience standing and applauding, I can see them all thinking, "When I get my lifetime achievement award, I'm going to say..." I'm getting too cynical, aren't I?

Best Director of a Motion Picture, Martin Scorsese. He's going to win an Oscar this year, the movie is great and it's ridiculous that he hasn't won one yet.

Dear God, Daniel Day-Lewis has shaved his head! What is with stunning-looking men ruining their looks? Live with it, you bastards, don't be afraid to be beautiful.

Calista Flockhart is presenting right after Harrison Ford did. That's a little coy. Another fake tan. Do they all use the exact same shade?

Can somebody tell Jeff Goldblum that he does not need to fold himself in half and speak directly into the amplifying device, it actually can hear him when he's standing up straight.

Look, it's Michael "I'm still alive, all evidence to the contrary" Keaton! Talk about a what ever happened to.

Albert Finney wins for Best Actor in a TV Movie for Gathering Storm. I'd have loved William H. Macy to win, but frankly, that's the only one of the nominees that I saw.

Why can't they scatter clips for the Motion Picture Musical of Comedy throughout the program like they do with the dramas? Because comedies aren't respected, that's why.

And Chicago wins! I'm so pleased, it's such a kick-ass film. Although, I would have loved it if About a Boy had won. I'll tell you, though, these winners for this film just never shut the hell up, they give the longest speeches known to man. Was the one thing required to work on the film garrulousness?

Talk to Her wins Best Foreign Language Film, no shock there. O dear, Almodovar is accepting. He's a genius, but he's not really one for the speeches that make any kind of sense at all. And a music sting because they thought he was done...but he was not!

And Jack Nicholson wins Best Actor in a Drama for About Schmidt. What a tight category that was! "I don't know whether to be happy or ashamed, because I thought we made a comedy!" He sounds a little laryngitis-y, too. He and Edie Falco are the hoarse whisperers.

Best Actress in a Drama, Nicole Kidman! There's a surprise, who didn't think that Julianne Moore was going to win?

Best Motion Picture Drama, The Hours. I'm actually rather surprised, since everyone I know who has seen The Pianist says that it is not only the best picture of the year, but possibly of any year, and there have been enough shockers tonight that I thought that there might be just one more.

And that's it!

Today's horoscope:
It might be wise to stand aside as bullies try and muscle their way through. Your ideas are ahead of their time. Virgo gains perspective through patience.

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Last Updated Tues 21 January 00:51:09 2003