Dear God, the auditors still aren't gone!! They were supposed to be gone! And they are not gone! Do you hear me, not gone I say!

They were supposed to come in this weekend and then on Monday and maybe Tuesday and then be gone, but because of the goddamn weather they could not come and so they are not gone! They will be here on Thursday and Friday.

This is making me crazy, they need to be gone. They are evil, why couldn't they just make it through the snow using their evil magic? Being from hell and all, they could have melted it just with the heat of their devilish bodies, there was no need to pretend that they are human, everyone knows that they aren't.

I asked the assistant controller last week how someone would decide to be an auditor, was it because they were born with no soul? Of course, she used to be an auditor before she turned her back on the dark side, but I told her that it was like Angel, one day the gypsies performed a ritual and gave her a soul and she wasn't evil anymore so of course she could no longer do evil things like kill people and drink their blood and audit businesses for weeks on end.

I'll know when they are gone when I can no longer smell the brimstone.

So, I got my first cell bill a couple of weeks ago, and also got my first shock at seeing the horrible number that my cell phone bill said that I owed. Which was $170.

What? What? Also, what?? So I looked at it and there were all these roaming charges from when I was in LA. Now, when I got the phone in the first place I asked whether I would be able to use it in LA and was told that I could, but the words "roaming charges" were never mentioned. This is because the people who sell cell phones are, while not quite as bad a auditors, evil. A little bit evil.

So I put off calling and put off calling, because that is just what I'm like, and finally last night I thought, might as well call and get it over with. So I did, and whined about the lack of mentioning of the roaming charges and how it wasn't fair and how I thought that they should doooo something about this. And the guy said, "Well, you're in luck. Up to sixty days from when you order your service you can retroactively change your plan in order to get rid of charges like this, and you only have to keep the new plan for 30 days if you want to change back. And today is the 60th day."

Whoa! That ragged edge of disaster, it is being ridden! Like a motherfucker it is being ridden. So I changed my plan to a nationwide one for $10 more a month and I now owe $45 rather than $170. I told Mom about it and how I lucked out and she told me, "If you had called the next day and just missed it, you wouldn't have told me, would you?" and I answered, "You got that right!"

So last night Tracing and I went over to Sara Astruc's to have dinner and hang out and talk about boys. And that's exactly what we did! Who says that we cannot fulfill our goals in life?

We were actually planning to go over when she was convalescing from her recent operation, but between the show and our stupid schedules and everything, it ended up being now when she is completely well. Go figure. I'm telling you, though, I'm never doing that on a weeknight again, we left at like 1a, and even that was tearing ourselves away. Seeing Sara and Tracing is totally a Friday or Saturday night thing, you need to be able to sleep in the next day.

I smoked like a chimney, I haven't smoked six cigarettes all in a row in years. I really feel it this morning, my throat feels all weird. And they were ultra-lights, too! But hey, if you are going to sit around talking about boys for five hours, you needs a cigarette or two.

I have decided that there needs to be a drinking game where every time I mention Omar out of the blue either in conversation or in an entry, everyone needs to take a shot. It'll sweep the nation, like Hi Bob. I told Cynthia that, and she said that instead I should have something like a swear jar, where if you swear you have to put in a quarter, but it's an Omar jar, and every time I mention him apropos of nothing I should have to put in a dime or a quarter, and that way I'll pay off my credit card bills in no time.

The other interesting thing that we discussed was the phenomenon of Sara Astruc. Not the person sitting in front of us, but the construct, the created persona that has taken off a life of its own due to other people's reaction to it. It is so bizarre to me, because she is just this really nice, basically ordinary person, neither the goddess not the anti-Christ that people make her out to be. I literally do not understand it.

But I'm very glad that I know her for real, because frankly the real person is far more interesting than either the icy icon of perfection or the fire-breathing bitch cunt from hell who is worse than any auditor that people make her out to be. I'm lucky that way.

And I'm also lucky that nobody either idolizes nor demonizes me. I don't think anyone can really know how they are perceived, but I'm such a what you see is what you get type, that I cannot imagine anyone seeing me as anything different than what I am. Except that some people may think that my writing is boring or that I live a more interesting life than I really do, and some people may laugh at the overwhelming crushes that I get on men who are not interested in me, but that's nothing like the same thing as being seen as a person who is not actually real.

Today's horoscope:
Freedom comes at a price. Think for yourself and watch your back. If you miss the luxury of indecision, maybe this new life isn't for you. There's still time to retrace your steps.

One year ago today:
Then my Mom came, and I thought that she was going to try to stop me, but she wasn't, she was there because I had forgotten my red satin reticule, and you can't go to a magical land without a red satin reticule, that's what I always say.

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Last Updated Wed 19 February 13:06:09 2003