This is the least Christmassy that I have ever felt.

I mean, I am Super-Christmas Girl, I adore it, it's always been my favourite day besides my birthday, but this year I am so miserable that I can't manage to get it up for Christmas. Maybe it's a little bit better since I put the tree up, but not much.

The problem is since I'm home and I don't really want to go into the whole thing with Mom, I am pretending to be fine, and I really haven't got any opportunity to be alone, I can't smoke much since she hates it when I come inside smelling of smoke, she gives me a hard time about being on the computer all the time, I just haven't got all of the outlets that I have at home, and it's building up.

You know what I'd really love to do? Disappear. Start a new life somewhere and never see or speak to anyone that I already know ever again. Of course, I don't really want that, there are people whom I would miss and I know that I couldn't leave all of my problems behind just by leaving my life behind.

But I want it. I want everything to be different. I want the life of Finn in The Station Agent, the life that he had when he moved into the station before the people started coming around. The really solitary version of his life. That's what I want, to be completely alone, no friends, no family, nothing.

Because if I'm going to spend my life alone, I might as well really be completely alone.

The other day my mother said to me that she thought that I'd never get married or have a family. And she didn't say it to be hurtful or anything, I mentioned something about when I have kids and she said that she thought that it was pretty unlikely at this point. I stopped and said that of course I was going to get married, of course I was going to have kids! She said that she thought that it wasn't something that I wanted to do.

Of course, it's all I want, it's the only thing in the world that I want. And it's the only thing that I can't have for the asking. It's not a wasted life, a life alone, I know that. There are lots of people who live alone and are happy, and I'm sure I will be too.

I'm just not happy today.

Today's horoscope:
The directions say, 'Some assembly required,' so everyone turns to Virgo. You like this reputation, although you do have other plans. Job and life skills reinforce each other -- it's a measure of how far you've come.

One year ago today:
This is my whole reason for going to church, if someone doesn't tell me what a good voice I have, I feel as though it was barely worth going. I'm such a bad, vain person.

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Last Updated Wed 24 December 21:21:09 2003