I'm sitting in the backyard, not sunning myself, I think the tanning thing is over for the year. Just sitting, watching the cats wander around and roll in the dirt, occasionally leaping at a butterfly. Always missing entirely. It's a beautiful day.

Yesterday was one of the harder days in my life. A long dark teatime of the soul. I'm glad that I didn't have to be at the theatre or anything, though I did go out to dinner with Fran and the kids to the House of Pancakes, because even during a long dark teatime of the soul, pancakes are still pretty great.

As Fran put it, "That wasn't much of an afterglow! You barely got a chance to finish your cigarette!" So on Sunday we made love, on Monday his boyfriend had a fit about the pictures we took, on Tuesday morning they broke up, and on Tuesday night they got back together. He's not breaking up with me, but he's staying with him and not talking to him about me. It's complicated.

And my friends are the greatest. I got so much good advice and insight from Cynthia, from Tracing, from Dawn, from Helene, from Sara, from the Philadelphia contingent, from as Anne Lammott puts it, my pit crew. And I haven't even gone through the whole crew yet, there are still others to whine and weep to, who will be strong and smart and in my corner without blowing smoke up my ass.

And I realized that no matter what, the one thing that I have to hang onto is the knowledge that he loves me. I have no doubt at all that he loves me absolutely, because he tells me so and he tells his boyfriend so, but also because if he didn't love me with all of himself, he would have broken up with me fully long since, since I complicate his life beyond all reason. There is no reason to keep me in his life, to say "No big decisions, no changes," rather than to say, "We can never be together, we can never sleep together."

And if I want this, if I want him, I need to be patient. To remember that time passes, and that more will be revealed. And that this is my journey. I'm always telling people that they are on their journey, and this is mine. It may not be a fun trip every step of the way, but what is? And the end of the journey is sweeter for having gone through it. This is my journey. This is my road. And I am taking it to wherever it may lead.

As Tracing quoted to me: "Everything is better in the end. If it's not better, it's not the end."

Today's horoscope:
Written instructions carry more weight than verbal suggestions. A splendid cosmic alignment puts this moment into the palm of your hand. You've been waiting and you know what to do next.

One year ago today:
Of course, usually I would far prefer to sleep a little longer, so I won't expect it to happen more often than, well, this one time, but it made for a different sort of morning mindset.

* Yesterday / Index / This Month / Tomorrow *

* E-Mail / In the Belly of the Hedgehog / My Big Fat Ass *

Graphics by the leo-riffic Saundra!

This page was written by hand. My hand. Only pussies use HTML editors.
Last Updated Mon 4 August 15:16:09 2003