So on Wednesday Omar and I exchanged a couple of little emails, and I sent one where I talked, in a light fashion, about how I knew that he had to keep every night free from now until 2007, but that that didn't preclude being social, that we could make plans and then if he got work he could cancel and I would never get mad, plus there were these things called "daytimes" where people got together and did things, I was almost certain that I had heard about it. And then I said, "I'm not going to let you disappear from my life without a fight."

I figured that he had to answer that, that he had to respond to me. But he didn't. And all day Thursday I waited for an answer, and he never wrote to me. So I thought that that was it, that maybe he really was gone, that maybe he really didn't want us to be part of each other's lives anymore. That maybe that last line was too much.

And then yesterday morning I got an email. It was a poem that he had written during the last two weeks. As soon as I read it I knew that I was an asshole. That nothing about this had anything to do with me, that at no moment was he trying to get rid of me, and that what I have been going through was like a trip to the country compared to the hole that he has been living in.

There were five more poems, each one filled with more pain than the one before it--so hard to read, they absolutely broke my heart. I knew all along that it wasn't me, that what he does when he gets depressed is that he goes to ground, but my head knowing that didn't stop my emotions from going their own way. Sometimes you have to feel what you feel no matter how little it has to do with reality.

And today I will see him at last. I may have to restrain myself from diving down his throat so that I can live inside of him.

At the theatre I went in to see Cowtales. I hoped that Omar would come, but I had a feeling that he might still be cracking off the shell and was neither surprised nor disappointed that he didn't show.

Cowtales is the reason that I joined the company, actually, though I had never seen it before. Back in the dawn of time, aka 1988, I was working with Philip at the restaurant, and during the slow times I would cue him on his lines. The show he was working on was Cowtales, which is this very funny and clever show about cows telling stories, and I was reading it and I said, "I love this show, it's so cute! When your company has auditions, please let me know!"

And thus was this dynasty born.

Anyway, the show was quite good and really funny, with a couple of excellent performances, but the absolute funniest bit was when Ryan was carried offstage and the headband with his ears and horns fell off in the middle of the stage, and about three minutes later he ran back onstage and grabbed them, running back off again. And the audience fell apart.

I have no idea what happened for the next five minutes, because I just kept laughing. I would think I was done, but then I'd look at Jon Oak and he was shaking with laughter and I'd just go again.

Lenten entries missed:

Matt Sturges gave a pep talk to his books, discussed alternate things to drop on Iraq, dealt with a fucking swan, witnessed Cookie Monster being falsely accused, and made the most brilliant version of that particular announcement that I have ever seen.

Today's horoscope:
Your opinions eclipse someone else's right to be heard. The facts tell the same story without all of your embellishments. Even though the Stars are doing the talking, you're still responsible.

One year ago today:
I spent time paralyzed with laughter, like after the waiter left us at one point, and Amy said, in all seriousness, "Do you think he's gay?" I probably laughed for five minutes, because it was as though we were in a drag club and she pointed at Harvey Fierstein and asked that question.

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Last Updated Thurs 1 May 02:48:09 2003