So yesterday was Good Friday and first I went into the city to return the wrong book of plays that Cynthia had gotten for me the night before, you know, the big book of all of the one-acts in the world but for the one that I actually wanted from the store with the giant signs everywhere stating that there would be no returns or exchanges under any circumstances whatsoever, although thankfully they accepted the fact that they had an insane person who could not actually read working for them a good enough reason to make the exchange, because I don't know that Le would have accepted that as a good reason why I could not direct the play that he wanted me to direct.

After I got the book, I counted the pages, and it's only a 16 page play, which meant that I was able to call the last woman in my cast, the one who hasn't got all of the time in the world in order to rehearse but could do a short show, and who has the most beautiful apartment in the entire world that I am dying to rehearse in again, so she accepted and now my show is cast.

And I was on my way to church to celebrate Good Friday with the Episcopalians for the fourth year in a row, thinking about stopping at Godiva to see if they had any white chocolate praline duckies this year, and as I was walking I could feel the Mouse cracking into pieces around me and landing in shards at my feet like an eggshell.

Admittedly, a four day long depression is kid stuff, my really depressed friends, my friends on medication would laugh in my face, but it's a lot for me, a generally cheerful and optimistic person as I am. I'm glad I'm me again.

That said, I'd like to bring up a couple of things.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I didn't receive any mail that I didn't appreciate and recognize the goodness and caring that people were feeling towards me and my unhappiness when they wrote them, and I really seriously don't want to get any apologies for said mail, but I would like to clarify one or two points.

My depression came on because of three things, even though it only seemed like one, the fact that the show ended, the fact that Omar felt the need to crawl into a hole and pull it in after himself, and the fact that I was about to get my period. I rarely get PMS, usually only if I am under a great deal of stress or I have something to be unhappy about and then I go into a tailspin, which is also something that happens after a show that I am very attached to ends. My point being that the past week hasn't been only about Omar.

Another thing is that I do not write everything in here, I write a bit more to my notify list, but I have tried to be subtle about Omar and keep things to myself, or be what I think of as subtle, and our relationship is not as casual as I make it seem.

Also, the big thing that nobody remembers, including myself when I read other people's journals, is that you only get my side. He needs a lot of time alone and has a great many issues and sometimes he bolts in order to regroup, not just from me but from everyone, and I whined because I was unhappy and because this is where I can whine, but it is not fair to him that I have made it look as though he dumped me when that is not so much what happened.

So please don't think he is a monster or that I am a doormat, because neither is true, we are just both going through emotional complications in our own heads at this time. Our lives are entwined in a way that it would be impossible to cut off so completely and so easily.

Anyway, then I went to Godiva and there were white chocolate praline duckies (actually chickies, but they are duckies in my head forever more), and then I went to St. Thomas.

It wasn't the transcendent experience that it was previous years, partially because I missed the first ten minutes, partially because it's no longer new, and partially because my period came down during the service. Which certainly explains the eggshell shards. It was still great, but in a different way, in a more familiar way. I've never gone to this church any other day ever, even Easter, only Good Friday, and it is really special.

Then I went home and stuffed my face with Godiva and moved more stuff from my old computers to my new and slept a good night's sleep, sleeping the sleep of the content.

Today's horoscope:
Your list is long. Your conscience may be troubled. Stress casts its jittery shadow no matter what you do to ignore it. Clear your mind of unwanted noise. Calm focus takes you a long way.

One year ago today:
And I raised my crest and strutted around, claiming my territory--I practically started spraying. Then I read it and, whoops! It is better than mine. Dammit.

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Last Updated Sat 19 April 22:59:09 2003