In reaction to this entry, Ty wrote the following:

My heart wanted to weep, reading this. It is sad, and hopeful too, then sad again because you see the possibility that the hope may be ephemeral and may someday fall away and leave you looking back at a life that never quite met your expectations.

I have had a similar sense of grasping at things that aren't quite right, trying to remember "true happiness." It makes me think that maybe I've either missed the boat or missed the point --- not that I'm unhappy, but that I can't locate that elusive "true happiness" that transcends the minutiae of daily life. Maybe somewhere along the line we learn a definition of happiness that is not applicable to our lives, because it seems like -- in order to locate that moment of true bliss -- we have to be aware in the moment that we're truly happy. Maybe when we're happiness we're too absorbed to be self-aware.

I think sometimes those of us who live very busy or very creative lives (or both) are happiest when we're doing, when we're caught up in the movement, the people, the action of our lives, and we're least likely to be aware that this is the moment of absolute bliss-- for me, it may be when I'm still awake at 2 a.m. writing, totally absorbed in the story that's pouring out, or when I suddenly run into my best friend in town and we spontaneously sit and talk for an hour, and half a dozen other people we know stop and talk to us... maybe for you it's when you're having a blast preparing for one of your shows, or just walking to Vynl, or sitting in an audience with Omar, absorbed in what you're watching.

I wonder if getting to heaven may mean realizing that all these things that are not quite right, not quite the zen happiness we're expecting and looking for, are the absolute truth of our lives. Maybe it's letting the joy in these things be all that it is and not just a sad approximation of what we hope it could be.

I don't think that means this is "as good as it gets." I think it means there's a bottomless well of hope that this moment and the next and the next can be all we need.

Today's horoscope:
A great idea brings out a great smile. You love the changes that have to happen while working from point A to point B. Right now, intellect and spirit are one and the same to you.

One year ago today:
Because sometimes you just have to be reminded that just because you have forgotten what it was like to do something right, it doesn't mean that you can't remember again.

* Yesterday / Index / This Month / Tomorrow *

E-Mail / In the Belly of the Hedgehog

Graphics by the foolish Saundra!

This page was written by hand. My hand. Only pussies use HTML editors.
Last Updated Sat 5 April 22:09:09 2003