Thoughts while watching the Emmys:

Here we are at the Emmys, or as they are known this year, The iWest Wing Awards. Because apparently, that show has the only good actors on television, all the other shows have to make due with the second-raters. I believe that even their background artists got Emmy nominations.

It's starting out with a very amusing Osbournes take-off. Ozzy jumping up and down screaming, "It's not my fucking fault!" is a sight to behold, let alone Conan in Ozzy's clothing. This sort of thing is so much what Conan is best at, much more than monologues, but film things where he comes off as a bit of a loser goofus.

Who is this prostitute that they have doing the voice-over announcements? I mean, it's nice that they don't sound study and robotic, but on the other hand, when she says "And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for the 54th annual Emmy Awards, Conan O'Brien!" it shouldn't sound as though she just finished blowing him.

Kim Catrall looks as though she is thinking, "Dear God, who let him host? Did they run out of normal celebrities?"

I understand that Conan has been running and working out like a motherfucker in order to be thin and pretty for the Emmys. You'd think that being on TV every single week night would be enough of an incentive to stay thin and pretty, but I guess the mere thought of being on before bedtime was enough to galvanize his ass into action.

There's an audience reaction shot of Andy Richter, laughing genuinely. Either than or he has slammed right back into second-banana mode. I'd like to think the former.

Some of these audience reaction shots seem rather random. It's as though the camera operators are just aiming their cameras wildly into the crowd, hoping that a celebrity will end up in front of the lens. Either they are mistaken, or I'm not watching enough TV, because I don't know who half of these people are. And Lord knows, I watch my share of TV.

"This year I am instituting some new rules for Emmy acceptance speeches. If you get up here and say that your Emmy really belongs to someone else, it will be taken from you and given to that person. In the interest of time, please don't say hello to all of your children, just pick a favourite and move on. Anyone who gets up here, raises his or her Emmy and says 'Don't give up on your dreams,' will be reminded that the dream of most people in this room is that you would lose."

Dear Lord, the Conan O'Brien/Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt love triangle bit was brilliant. And then they topped it with Conan falling in love with Garry Shandling! Frankly, I don't care if they ever get to the bit where they actually give away the awards.

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series: Brad Garrett for Everybody Loves Raymond. Boy was he surprised! He was mugging when they were reading off the names, pretending that he was really hoping for it, but from his reaction to winning, he clearly didn't think that he stood a chance. I remember him when he was doing standup on Star Search.

"Well, I just hope that this award breaks down the door for Jewish people who are trying to get into show business..."

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Doris Roberts for Everybody Loves Raymond. I'm sorry, I don't care how many years you are on the air, three Emmys for the same role on the same show is pushing it.

Goody, Billy Petersen is presenting! My God, that man just gets more and more beautiful the older he gets. Is Marg Helgenberger drunk? Maybe he goosed her right before they went on.

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series: John Spencer for The West Wing. Shit. And I love John Spencer ever since L.A. Law, but I so wanted Victor Garber to win. Mom was on the voting panel for this category, and I forced her to vote for Garber, she really wanted to but Spencer in the first position, but I made her put him second. Clearly, many of her fellow voters felt the same way she did. He has to make out with the entire cast before going onstage, he may never get up there. He's so happy, I cannot begrudge him.

Ooh, ooh, I just used my sample of Tipton Charles tomato-watercress body lotion, and it smells absolutely amazing! Especially for something that is named as though it's supposed to smell like a salad.

Cloris Leachman and Anthony Lapaglia won for Best Guest Actor and Actress in a Comedy. Used to be you could get nominated for this award without being a celebrity, but no more, I think.

Best Writing for a Drama Series: 24. I really must watch that show, now that I finally have every episode on tape! I know I'll be watching it five minutes before the new season starts in November, I know myself. I still haven't caught up on Buffy and the new season of that starts Tuesday.

Best Director of a Comedy Series: Sex and the City. I do love that show. And I've never seen a single episode of any of the other nominees, so I don't know what I would have said then, except "Will and Grace, um, I hear it's relatively good." This guy has clearly been working on Sex and the City way too long, he is talking in the exact rhythm of the women in the show.

Best Director of a Drama Series: Six Feet Under. Um, I hear it's relatively good. My mom really likes it, I saw half an episode once.

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series: Stockard Channing for The West Wing. Mary-Louise Parker looks as though she said a foul word when her name was not called. Stockard looks great, and not even as though she's had any work done! Unusual for a woman of a certain age in Hollywood.

"Folks, it's a tradition on awards shows that when an acceptance speech goes on too long, the orchestra cuts in and gently plays the winner off, we've sen it happen almost twice this evening, it's very awkward, and frankly I think it's a cop-out. As host, I think it's my responsibility, so tonight, new change, if anyone goes too long I will interrupt them with the most annoying part of Jethro Tull's 'Aqualung'. Eee-hee-hee-hee-heeeeee...."

Only on the Emmys would you have America: A Tribute to Heroes in the same category up against Letterman. And the winner is SNL! I'm not certain what the category is, possibly Best Variety Series or Special, or maybe it's Best Writing for the Variety Series or Special, as the winners are the writers. I wonder why they chose the least verbal of all 100 of them to be the spokesman? Was it a joke? I guess they didn't expect to win.

Tina Fey, it's nice to see a beautiful woman in an evening gown and glasses. "It's time we turn our attention away from TV's highly paid stars and turn to the writers who secretly hate them."

Best Writing for a Comedy Series: The Bernie Mac Show. And there is the second Halle Berry joke of the night!

They are showing little clips of each of the nominated shows, and you know what? Will and Grace looks really funny! I know that I am, as per usual, several years late to the parade, but I never claimed to be cutting edge. More like...nope, sorry, cannot think of a joke, let's move on.

"In sitcoms, you know, in order to get the com you need a big steaming pile of sit."

Here come the Osbournes. Are they going to be on a six second delay? Ah, nobody but Sharon was allowed to speak, that was probably the safest bet. Is Kelly trying to look like Diana Ross? Or possibly a neglected doll? That hair is out of control!

Best Direction for a Variety, Music or Comedy Program: The Salt Lake City Olympic Opening Ceremonies. I wonder if it counts as Variety, Music or Comedy?

Best Performance in a Variety, Music or Comedy Program: Sting. This is clearly the section where they expect nobody to be watching. In the clip of Billy Joel, he looks as though he is turning into The Commish, or possibly Curly from The Three Stooges.

And there is Michael Chiklis, proving that he no longer looks like The Commish himself! Clearly, there can be only one Commish, and it's Billy Joel's turn.

Best Supporting Actor in a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special: Michael Moriarty in James Dean. When did he turn into a little old man? Must be right after he turned into a total lunatic a few years ago. Hopefully, he's over all that nonsense. He cannot appear to move his face.

Best Director for a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special: Band of Brothers. Is that a record, eight directors winning one award? They announced that Tony To would be the spokesman, but there was Tom Hanks, with Tony To's name under his little face, accepting for the group. Did he shove poor Tony To out of the way, screaming "I haven't gotten an Oscar in several years, I want to give the speech!"? Was Tony To in the bathroom at the wrong moment? Or does Tony To look and sound remarkably like Tom Hanks? The world may never know.

Best Guest Actor and Actress in a Drama Series: Charles S. Dutton and Patricia Clarkson. The poor woman had to get two different dresses, one for the program where she actually won, the one that nobody watches, and then one for this presenting gig. What do you save your better dress for? I mean, if you don't win, then you have wasted the other dress and if you wait to find out whether you have won or not, maybe you don't have time to find another dress as good.

Best Supporting Actress for a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special: Stockard Channing for . Wow, two in one night! Good for her. She said that the award really belongs to Matthew Shephard and his parents, but Conan restrained himself and did not run onstage and snatch the award from her hands.

Best Writing for a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special: The Gathering Storm.

Best Variety, Music or Comedy Series: The Late Show With David Letterman. Clearly, I have run out of things to say and it will only be a list for the next, God, hour and a half or so.

They are doing a special tribute to Bob Hope. Dear Christ I hope they don't wheel that old man out onto the stage and display him like a circus animal, particularly after showing clips from when he was young and virile, that's just cruel. O, thank God, it's not Bob Hope that is being honoured, they have created an award in his name, The Bob Hope Humanitarian Award. And it is being presented to Oprah Winfrey. And her enormous ta-tas. And beensy little waist! She's corseted up the wazoo, it's amazing that she doesn't fall over from lack of oxygen. Yep, she's sounding a little breathless.

Chris Rock: "I watch the Oprah show. I read Oprah magazine. I brush my teeth with Oprah toothpaste, and wash my hair with Oprah hair care products."

Best Variety, Music or Comedy Special: America: A Tribute to Heroes. That had to win something, it would be un-American if it was beaten twice by the opening ceremony of the Olympics.

Ha, Conan and Andy just got into a pretend fistfight in the aisle. I have missed their dynamic so much on the show. Come back, Andy, all is forgiven!

Best Actor for a Miniseries or Movie: Albert Finney for The Gathering Storm. I'm shocked that James Franco didn't win for James Dean, but I guess that after the Golden Globes and the SAG Awards, enough was enough.

Best Actress for a Miniseries or Movie: Laura Linney for Wild Iris. What? I don't ever even remember hearing one word about that movie, either it was long long ago or it was not that well promoted. I mean, I read People, Us and Entertainment Weekly, you'd have thought I'd see one review.

Best Made for TV Movie: The Gathering Storm. I'm beginning to think that I should have watched it!

Best Miniseries: Band of Brothers. I actually am quite surprised that there are enough miniseries made anymore to fill out the category. Okay, now this time they said that Tom Hanks would be accepting and Steven Spielberg is up there making the speech! The Band of Brothers people are gigantic liars! They say who is going to be accepting and then they totally disregard the plan and have someone else do it all willy and nilly! It's anarchy!!

It's a little cheap that they cut to a shot of the still living men of Easy Company watching the show at the St. Regis hotel, and the audience at the Shrine all jumped to their feet. A teeny bit cheesy, but not really, as they clearly are the men who should be applauded, not some monkeys who made a movie about them. They have one of them there to speak with them. He'd better not get played off, or the audience will storm the control booth and hang the director by his entrails. That there Spielberg fella sure knows how to create an emotional moment, by golly.

The parade of dead is always startling. Robert Urich is dead? I forgot, how can he have died so young.

Best Actor in a Comedy Series: Ray Romano for Everybody Loves Raymond. Now if Patricia Heaton wins, it'll be a sweep. I don't know a single person who watches this show. It's funny that he won, because when he was presenting earlier, every year he is nominated and his parents come out from Queens and stay with him and will do so until he actually wins, so he really has to win this year because they are making him crazy.

Dear Christ, this show may never end. Hey, there's a shot of Victor Garber laughing! A shock to people who only know him as the dour, closed-off Jack Bristow.

Best Actress in a Comedy Series: Jennifer Aniston for Friends. Suzanne Pleshette and Bob Newhart were presenting and they sort of stumbled as they were reading the winner, so poor Jane Kaczmarek heard that "Juh" sound and got all excited.

Best Actress in a Drama Series: Allison Janney for The West Wing. Over Jennifer Garner in Alias? I don't think so. And again, three times is too many, don't be greedy.

Best Actor in a Drama Series: Michael Chiklis. Again, my mother was a voter in this category. I can't remember who she voted for, one of the Six Feet Under guys, with Kiefer second. I think she put Chiklis third, because she recognized the fact that he gives a stunning performance though she flat out detests the show.

Hey, there's the mayor! Must be some 9/11 tribute thing. Jesus, what the hell happened to his hair, it's come out by the handful since he left office. Either that or he stopped bothering to comb it over. I swan, every time I hear them say "Mayor Bloomberg" I always think, who? I couldn't pick him out of a lineup if I tried. Giuliani is going to be our mayor for quite some time. Weirdly, they are showing reaction shots of the stars in the audience in super close-ups, as though if they showed their fine clothing it wouldn't be fitting.

They are giving the Governor's Award to all four networks for their coverage of the tragedy and the way they all showed the Tribute to Heroes special simultaneously.

Best Series: The West Wing. See above re is being The West Wing Awards. Yeah yeah, it's a great show, and blah and blah, is enough not enough? Mom voted in this one too, she hated me for making her do all hour-long categories, as she had to watch like twenty-five or thirty hours of tapes (the actors each submit two episodes). I think I made her vote for CSI. Didn't seem to work, huh?

There's Jay Leno. What is that on his head, a badger pelt?

Best Comedy Series: Friends. Yay! I'm so pleased, it would be ridiculous if this great series went off the air without ever winning a Best Series Emmy. And last year was one of the best years ever, hard to believe that eight years into a series they can be doing their best work, but clearly it can happen.

Today's horoscope:
A loved one's secret planning proves your hopes and wishes have been heeded.

One year ago today:
Flies that you can measure by inches aren't flies are they, they're bloody pterodactyls and should die a little faster.

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Last Updated Mon 23 September 00:35:09 2002