Well yesterday certainly couldn't have been worse.

I spent most of the day in a really black pit of despair, it was agonizing, I had to keep sneaking off to the bathroom to weep, because there isn't a lot more embarrassing than bursting into tears at your desk. I hate this, I hate myself like this, so weak and soft. I hate that feelings can completely incapacitate me in this fashion. I mean, what is wrong with me? My life has been like this for years and years, why all of a sudden is it becoming unbearable to think that I'm barely halfway over with my life and it will just continue to be like this day after day?

I mean, I'm always this isolated, and usually I'm not only fine with it, I like it. I can do what I like when I like and not have to deal with anyone else's opinions, but sometimes it just seems as though I have stumbled into the worst possible version that my life could ever be and I have no idea what to do about it except for try to get hard so that these feelings of yearning don't incapacitate me so much.

I think the problem was that recently I saw for a brief moment what it would be like not to be so alone, and the idea that I don't get to really have that is what has brought me to my knees.

I hate this version of myself, I hate being so weak and fragile and high-strung. I'm standing outside myself looking at this spectacle I am making of myself, and it disgusts me. I don't want to be this person with all of these feelings just falling apart, it's foolish and silly and a waste of time.

I really need to get my walls back up. My walls were good and solid and they kept me safe, but they haven't been re-enforced in quite some time and they are crumbling and taking me down with them.

Today's horoscope:
All important debts have been paid for the month. If you'd just relax, you might actually have some fun. The system that you so lovingly maintain will run without you for a few hours.

One year ago today:
This was a completely lovely, charming film about gaining your heart's desire, and we all know how sentimental I am about things like that.

* Yesterday / Index / This Month / Tomorrow *

E-Mail / In the Belly of the Hedgehog

Graphics by the most holy Saundra!

This page was written by hand. My hand. Only pussies use HTML editors.
Last Updated Mon 25 November 19:27:09 2002