So, after watching the wonderful, the glorious Evil Dead, I decided to watch Army of Darkness.

I have the special pretend bootleg edition that has all the good stuff from the limited edition, the director's cut, the commentary, etc., so I settled down to happily watch what is certainly the least of the trilogy, but still great fun.

Lots of good lines, "Gimme some sugar, baby," and "Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby," and "Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?" "Nope. Just me baby... Just me," and my favourite, "Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store."

And then there are the cool moments, like the little tiny Ashes (that I mistakenly had thought were in Evil Dead II), and the scene in the pit, and , of course, the great ending! Fans know where I am leading with this.

You know how when you see that something is the Director's Cut, and you know that means that this cut is far better than the cut that you always thought was the real movie, but it wasn't, because this is the director's true intention, which means that it is the best possible cut that it could be? The Platonic version of the movie?

In reality, not so much.

As a random example, the Director's Cut of Army of Darkness sucks sour owl poop! It's 15 minutes longer than the studio cut, and basically every second of that fifteen minutes is in the big battle scene at the end, which is a very long and dull battle scene indeed. Though there is also more Three Stooges nonsense in the windmill scene that I could do without.

But the worst and most egregious change is the ending, which is, in the studio cut, totally the best scene in the picture, containing my favourite line above, some real great demon stuff (far more interesting than the skeleton stuff), and is just a real kick in the pants.

The other ending, known as the "Original" ending, though there isn't anything particularly original about it, is, frankly, dull. Bruce and Sam seem to be under the impression that people don't like that ending because it is a downer, but I don't think it's so much a downer as it is a gigantic bore!

And they have deleted scenes on this disc! Deleted scenes that do not include the other ending, from now on referred to as the "Good" ending. Am I going to have to buy a second copy of this goddamned movie just so that I can get the "Good" or "Real" or "Interesting" ending?

How big a fan am I really?

I took a car home from work because I was there so late.

I love taking a car home, it's so luxurious (it's not a limo, but a Towncar is damn close without being tacky), plus it's like the wind, usually no more than ten or fifteen minutes door to door, as it's a straight run to the tunnel down 10th Ave. and there's rarely any traffic worth speaking of after 10p.

You know, except for last night.

About two blocks from the tunnel, we came to a dead stop. And by dead, I mean dead. We didn't move more than a foot or two in twenty minutes. "Who are these people? Why does everybody suddenly have to be in New Jersey at 11.15p on a Tuesday night?" My driver turned on the radio and we listened for the traffic report. Which took forever, of course. When you want to hear the news, there is nothing but traffic and weather, when you are gagging to know why the Lincoln Tunnel is backed up for blocks in the middle of the night, not a sausage.

At last, the traffic news came on! Now we would find out! "The backup on the LIE has finally cleared and traffic is moving nicely, and I'm right now looking at the Lincoln Tunnel coming in from the city, which is clear as can be!"

???

Was she completely insane? I figured that she was looking at the other end of the tunnel, that the bit where you come out was just fine, which still did not answer the question of why it took half an hour to drive two blocks. Finally we turned the corner to the tunnel, and there was a sobriety checkpoint. Three days before Memorial Day weekend, I don't know why such a thing was necessary, but at least that mystery was solved.

We both put on our seatbelts as soon as we saw the cops, were waved through the checkpoint, though personally I think a chauffeured Lincoln Towncar with a woman with pink hair in the back seat knitting is fairly peculiar-looking, I won't be looking any gift horses in any mouths.

After that, it took about five minutes to get home. And the radio was right, we just flew out of the tunnel, no traffic at all. The fact that cars were being sent through one at a time, every five minutes might have had something to do with it, but I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

Lenten entries missed:

Jen Fu actually did try to save my soul! Yes, Miss Updates-Less-Frequently-Than-A-Blue-Moon really totally updated a whole slew of times in the month of March! Clearly, Jen needs incentive.

Anyway, she dyed her hair pink using the least permanent dye on earth, then was shocked, shocked I say, to discover that it faded quickly! Also, her building is populated with sweaty sex beasts, she had strange dreams, did nine and a half hours of laundry, had a disappointing meal, somehow managed to write an entire entry on My Sweet Audrina and then one only about bidets. It is now becoming clear why she doesn't update as often as one would like.

On the other hand, she managed to get two entries out of the hole in her bathroom floor, so that's something. Also, she got a haircut. But then she wrote three beautiful entries about her boyfriend's best friend's father dying and made me cry.

Today's horoscope:
You want to improve your financial circumstances, but are unsure what to change. A small alteration in habits reaps large results later.

One year ago today:
You know that you are getting old when you don't dream about fucking rock stars, but about being their Mom.

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Last Updated Thurs 30 May 13:33:09 2002