So I have been working on my D'Onofrio-ana lately, and thought I would give you a report. D'Onofrio-ana means, by the way, the oeuvre of Big V, which I think makes sense, but I am very tired at this moment and cannot assume anything like that.

I watched a couple of episodes for Law and Order that I had been saving, because I don't much want there to be a time where I have nothing new that I haven't watched, so I save them and parcel them out grudgingly.

One was about the lady cop who was in charge of the massive conspiracy of murder and coverup, and Vince had this wonderful bit where he played big and dumb and tough and chauvinistic, which was just so sexy I could hardly believe it.

Not that I particularly dig guys that are big and dumb and tough and chauvinistic, except that big and tough are cool, but not the others--I guess it was just knowing that the character is really big and smart and tough and a feminist made it okay to see the pretense are really extremely sexy. Also, he smoked, which is also sexy.

Yes, yes, I know that it isn't really, that I've just been brainwashed by Hollywood and the tobacco companies, but you know what? It is, and they are right. It kills you, but you look really hot while you are killing yourself.

Anyway, good episode, but the other one was really great, because I was sitting their watching it, and it was about this brave, dying girl who nobody has actually seen, and when the detectives ask how they can get in touch with her, the guy they are interviewing says "Like everyone else does, send her an email through her website," and I thought, "O my God, it's Kaycee Nicole!"

I was so thrilled, that this ripped from the headlines story was inspired by my little corner of the internet! Nothing has ever come that close to me, though I wasn't a devotee of hers nor a detractor, at least I witnessed the whole thing as it was happening, and it really was cool to see how they used it. It was an extremely good episode, even if you did know that the girl would turn out not to exist.

The funny thing, though, was that Cynthia had auditioned for a small role as the prostitute who finds the body at the top of the show, and she saw it when it was actually on TV and told me that the girl who played the part was so horrible that she had to be sleeping with the director or something, because she certainly didn't get the role because she was better than Cynthia.

I thought that it was totally sour grapes on Cynthia's part, I mean, it's a three line role, how bad could she be? Well, immediately after the scene was over, I went upstairs to apologize for doubting her, because she was vile. I didn't know it was possible to be that appallingly bad with so little time to showcase one's badness and the camera on the back of one's head most of the time, but this actress did it handily.

I said that I doubted that she was sleeping with anyone, because nobody gives good enough blowjobs that would make such bad acting be overlooked, "She's not the director's girlfriend, she is the director's sister, this is the kind of favour granted only to family members."

Besides the series, I also watched a couple of V's movies, two of which I hadn't seen before.

JFK was on channel 55 over two nights, so I Tivoed that, wondering whether anyone actually watches movies on broadcast channels anymore. I knew that he played a small role, so I thought I'd fast forward until I found it. Of course, it's in the first five minutes of the movie, and it's like 14 seconds long, but I watched every minute of the film to see if there was any more. You know, really fast.

The thing that I think is funny is I have read these interviews with Vince, talking about how he was called to do the role at the last minute and how he really wished that he had had more prep time. Baby, it's a fourteen second role! Possibly as long as thirty, but no more than that! What kind of insane lunatic actor would want to create an extensive character for a role that is just there really to say the words, "A shot came from over there in the grassy knoll."

A more dedicated one than myself, that's for certain. And possibly more obsessive as well.

Then I saw The Cell again, which I loved. It's the movie that made me think that Vince Vaughn wasn't a complete waste of space, and Big V gave an amazing performance, operatic but never over the top.

I love that wonderful scene with the dead girl in the bathtub and V and Jennifer just talking quietly over her body. It's absolutely chilling. And of course all those sequences where he is the monster god with the nipple rings and the black eyes. Gloriously kinky.

In gigantic opposition, I next watched Stuart Saves His Family, which I had gotten from Netflix, and which is a surprisingly charming and sweet movie, not to mention surprisingly good for an SNL movie!

No, honestly, it really truly seriously is. Of course, Al Franken is a reliable talent, but who thought that Stuart Smalley was a character that could sustain for longer than a three minute sketch? Certainly not me, this was a movie to see for V, not for actual interest in the plot or anything, but it really was good! And Vince looks just gorgeous, long-haired, pot smoking, violent, and riding a motorcycle at one point. Really great.

Though the fact that V is supposed to be Franken's older brother when he clearly is at least a decade younger doesn't so much work.

And then the other one I watched was Imaginary Crimes, which I definitely just fast-forwarded to Vince's scenes. I don't know, maybe it's really really good and I just didn't have the patience, but basically I just really didn't have the patience.

It's a mildly uninteresting performance in a mildly uninteresting role, and he's kind of fat in it, but there's a couple of nice moments. Certainly worth fast-forwarding through if not actually watching.

But the last thing I saw was so extraordinary that I want to separate it from the others, Vince's Emmy nominated guest-star role in the Homicide episode, " Subway".

It's an astonishing, truly wonderful performance about a man who falls or is pushed onto the subway tracks, a man who will die the second he is moved. And it's basically him and Andre Brauer talking until the moment comes when he must be moved, and thus must die.

And those two actors talking for an hour is terrific. The thing that I loved most about it was that the character that V plays is kind of an asshole. He isn't a really super-lovable dying guy, he's a raging, roaring man, not going gentle into that good night, not one bit. But even with how vicious he is at times, you really end up liking him and weeping for him.

It's a brave and fierce performance that just about broke my heart, and V and Brauer's double act is something every actor should watch just to see what it possible to do.

You know how I call Vince D'Onofrio "Big V"? Of course you do, and when people send me emails about him, they call him "Big V" as well, sometimes in the subject line, because they know that I will know what they mean.

Well, the other day I got an email, and the subject was "Time For Big V", and when I opened it, it was a Viagra ad. Whoops! And I just wanted to formally apologize to Vince, in case he ever reads this.

Vince, baby, I'm really super-sorry that I nicknamed you after Viagra. I didn't mean anything along those lines by it, you've gotta believe me! I'm sure you are not a candidate for a prescription or anything. And anytime you want to prove that to me, I am ready and waiting.

Lenten entries missed:

Lis got some really obnoxious email, had a guest entry by her iguana, caught the flu and masturbated, possibly while watching Law and Order. A thing that I certainly have never done myself.

Today's horoscope:
Care and caution are highlighted. Be thrifty and cost-conscious today for best results.

One year ago today:
And, best of all, it's a tag-team who's cuter match with Oded Fehr and Brendan Fraser passing the stick back and forth (excuse the mixed metaphor).

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Last Updated Mon 20 May 00:07:09 2002