Here's the kind of relationship that I want.

I want someone to do board games with, and puzzles, and card games. We rarely did this in my house, and Lord knows I spend all my time on the computer and watching TV, but at times in my life where I didn't have a TV for one reason or another, I loved doing puzzles. Also, I'd need to have a cat-free room to do this in, so it clearly isn't possible now, but the idea of sitting on the floor and trying to find the blue sky or racing to get all the good edge pieces with someone just fills me with longing. And playing Monopoly or Life or Trivial Pursuit, or double solitaire, or two-handed gin or Go Fish or Old Maid. Maybe that is the true definition of a partner in my head, someone to ask if they have any fives.

You know that scene in Notting Hill, where they are sitting in the living room, each reading their own books, just being quiet together? That's what I want, too. Someone to be quiet with, to not have to talk to, but we'd rather be in the room together reading than in two different room reading.

I want someone whom I would rather be with than be alone, but to whom I am not stapled at the wrists, someone whose company I genuinely enjoy. Someone to riff on the Oscars with, or on basketball games. Someone who waits for me to get home to watch Alias or Buffy or CSI so that we can watch it together.

Someone to be walking by a store window and seeing something little that he knows I'll get a kick out of, and picking it up for a surprise. Someone to cook food for that I won't eat just because I know it's his favourite, or remembering to get ketchup at McDonald's for because he likes ketchup on his fries.

Someone to clean up after me when I'm sick, because man, that's the worst thing about being alone, cleaning up your own vomit because nobody else is there to do it.

Someone to read aloud to, and to read to me. I swear, I don't know anyone in my real life who reads to each other, just parents who read to kids, so I have no idea where this particular wish came from originally, but I remember one entry of Jessie's where she was reading Harry Potter aloud to Golden Boy in a restaurant, and I was reminded of that particular wanting, that longing.

I am realizing as I write this, that what I want is not someone to go out with, but someone to stay in with. Someone to be home with. Someone to be home. But I wouldn't keep him chained in the basement (you know, unless he requested it), we'd go out sometimes--we'd go to the farmer's market in Union Square on Saturdays, or to the movies, or to swing on the swings in Central Park.

And it's not like I don't know that alot of any relationship is fighting about doing the dishes or worrying about money or having work schedules that keep you apart, that it's not all bicycling side by side in matching outfits singing selections from Sound of Music, and when it comes right down to that I'd really prefer as little of that nonsense as possible, but there are all these examples in front of me of people who are a united front, a couple, a family that I ache for it.

I think what I want more than anything is what can only be described as an old relationship. Some people want the excitement of first falling in love, of not being able to get enough of each other, of kissing until your lips are bloody, of fucking on the kitchen floor, and I certainly wouldn't turn that down if it were offered, but far more than that do I want something comfortable, with the rough spots worn off. I don't just want to put together puzzles, I want the puzzle piece that clicks into me.

I want to be Cynthia and Fran, Jessie and Golden Boy, Melissa and Greg, Spinny and Spike, Amy and Andy, Dawn and Dario, Lisa and RDC, Sarah and Aaron, Weetabix and Esteban, Snoozebar and B. I want to be Kymm and somebody, not just Kymm.

Creative visualization, insane optimism, impossible daydreams? Or all three? All I know is that my birthday is coming up, and if anyone is wondering what to get me, there you go.

Today's horoscope:
Try something different today. Be open to ideas from others. You'll discover a new activity which brings you pleasure.

One year ago today:
I could do Women again, but Thingy Thingy Death and Thing in One Act, or whatever the show was called, I am so over that I am thrilled to think that I won't have to do it again.

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Last Updated Tues 7 May 23:16:09 2002