I spent part of the day at work, and only came home at 10.30p, but yet I am able to start watching it now, not wait for it to be over and watch the tape in the middle of the night! This is, let me make it perfectly clear, the whole entire reason that I have TiVo.

And now, some thoughts while watching the Oscars.

What a peculiar beginning! No stars entering, just them already in their seats, clapping madly while a voice-over describes every nominated film and director. They are all going to need to ice their wrists once they finally can stop clapping.

Ooh, ooh, that incredibly cute guy with the long black hair is sitting next to Ian McKellen again! Maybe this time I'll figure out who the hell he is.

An amendment to above, they are naming every picture and director except for In the Bedroom, where they named the picture and actors. I guess it directed itself. And it's not because he wasn't nominated, because there's a big fat close-up of Baz Luhrmann.

Why was Julia Roberts startled that they pointed a camera at her? She must have noticed at some point that she is Julia Roberts! Helen Hunt's surprise, on the other hand, made more sense.

Uma Thurman's tits are so huge, she looks like a wet-nurse. You can't tell if she's still pregnant or has popped, because of the quick shot and the black dress, but the snow white uncovered tits were impossible to miss.

Is that Donald Sutherland doing the announcements?

The first person on the stage is Tom Cruise. Will they shoot a reaction shot of Nicole? How could they avoid it? I'll bet she has a pleasant expression just stapled there just in case. Ah no, he's talking about whether movies are still important in the wake of the World Trade Center, they won't cheapen this speech with a nasty shot like that. Also, he probably wouldn't have agreed to do this without them promising they wouldn't.

The farther we get away from 9/11, the less I like this bringing it up, this saying how important it is that we keep doing what we do no matter what, it feels like a sop, it feels like self-aggrandizement, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That said, it's a very good speech, and well-delivered. And it if it had to be said, which it did, this was the best way to do it.

I like this Erol Morris thing with ordinary people saying why they love movies, except that if these are ordinary people, I'll eat my hat. Even besides the obviously recognizable ones, like Savion Glover and Iggy Pop, these are like 90% actors without question. Ooh, one just mentioned my favourite movie in the world, Les Enfants du Paradis!

And here comes Whoopi! I hope she doesn't suck so much as she did last time. I do wish that Steve Martin had come back, he was great last year. And she's lowered down on a swing like in Moulin Rouge. That's cute, that works. And she kisses Russell on her way down the aisle. Who can blame her? It's amazing to see the awards show change in him since last year. Maybe once you win one, you can relax and laugh. Maybe he's just a happier person now.

"Can you believe this year? Can you believe this campaign? So much mud has been thrown this year that all the nominees look black!"

An Anna Nicole Smith joke? What is this, 1996? What's next, a Monica Lewinski joke?

"Look, the Smith family was seated together! No, for real, Will, Jada and Maggie Smith!"

Benicio del Toro looks pained delivering a Wonderbra joke. Close your eyes and think of the gift basket. He must have been threatened backstage. Did they not have enough medium-toned cover-up to do something about the bags under his eyes?

I suddenly hope that Kate Winslet will win so that I can see the whole of what looks like a really lovely dress. And it's Jennifer Connelly! Ah well, I'm sure i'll see the dress on the Fashion Review on E in a couple of days. Gee, she doesn't see very happy, just wandering slowly up onto the stage, then reading from a page with her head down and no expression in her voice. Maybe she's in shock? Or maybe she knew that she was the favourite and decided not to bullshit anyone. When it comes right down to it, though, she looks higher than she did in Requiem For a Dream.

Aha! It is Donald Sutherland! And Glenn Close, but I didn't recognize her. He's got that distinctive little lisp that is so recognizable. He's so much better at making this sound natural than she does--she's speaking absolutely beautifully, every rounded tone is in place, but she sounds like she's been wound up with a key in her back.

The president's speech was okay, but it really is alot better when the president of the Academy is an actor rather than a director/screenwriter, they are more likely not to look so terrified in front of the camera.

Okay, clearly the idea of having screenwriters pen the introductions to the categories is brilliant! Who on this earth would prefer to hear forced "witty" banter over Reese Witherspoon reading Buck Henry's assertation that "in order to accommodate all of this paint, plaster, fur, gel and glue, actors must have, in real life, a very small head, about the size of a coconut. That's why you never recognize them at the five and dime!"

Wait a minute, what the hell is going on in this Best Makeup category?! Rick Baker wasn't nominated! Isn't that against the bylaws?

Every time they show Cameron Diaz, she has such an expression of joy and expectation and excitement and anticipation, she should give classes on how to look in case the camera suddenly shows your little movie star face.

What a terribly funny little film by Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller about costumes! So far, but for that Wonderbra joke at the beginning, this has been the All Clever and Funny Oscars!

The Best Costume winner for Moulin Rouge just said, "This award is for you, too, Baz!" Which it will have to be, because he ain't getting one of his own.

Holy shit, it's Woody Allen! I guess since they aren't doing the Oscars on Monday nights anymore, he can come now. I never thought I'd see him at an awards show. I guess the world really has changed. He looks great, too, he looks like it's 1968 or something. Either he's lit really well, or he's been in makeup since early this morning. Maybe that's why there wasn't enough cover-up for Benicio earlier. Maybe it's not so much that he looks young that he's doing a stand-up routine, and he hasn't been doing those for 30 years or so, so it's my perception that if Woody's doing stand-up, it must still be the Johnson administration.

(The Academy called him up)..."And I couldn't figure it out, because my movie, The Curse of the Jade Scorpion was not nominated for anything this year, nothing, no category, and then it suddenly hit me--maybe they're calling to apologize!"

But he is here to introduce a clip package put together to honour films made in New York. Or sometimes just about New York. And it was so well-done that it brought me to tears, a little bit.

There's Jodie Foster, showing that she's gotten all that baby weight off. And then some.

Okay, between Lord of the Rings and Moulin Rogue there have been almost nothing but Aussie and Kiwi accents up on that stage so far!

Who on earth was that person in the red dress and the aviator's helmet pirouetting in that backstage shot? What it something just to make backstage look interesting, or will it actually end up onstage for some reason or another? I say "it" because I couldn't tell if it was a man or a woman. It looked like one of the pinheads in the stage version of The Elephant Man.

So not only did they have famous screenwriters write the introductions, they have famous directors putting together the clip packages--Nora Ephron for the New York one, and now Penelope Speeris for documentary. So far, the whole conceit is working beautifully.

Well. That French Best Documentary winner sure is a great big cutie-pie. He looks like he should have been one of the aristocrats in Gosford Park.

Did Cameron Diaz forget to get dressed? It looks as though she wandered onstage in her dressing gown. She looks lovely, and it's a great dressing gown, but it's rather peculiar.

The winner for something, costumes, I think, for Moulin Rouge also won for Art Direction, and she took all of the speech time available, and the poor other woman standing there with an excited expression on her face got played off. The rule should be on your second one in the same evening, don't be greedy, give someone else a chance to speak! They have families who want to hear their names on TV, too!

And Shrek wins for Best Animated Feature! No shock there, but I really did love it so much, so I'm glad.

Well, Halle Berry certainly wins Best Dressed from me, so far. But I'll hold my final vote until I see Kate Winslet's dress all the way.

And Pearl Harbor wins for Sound Effects Editing. Whoever thought that the words "Academy Award winning film" and "Pearl Harbor" would be spoken all in a row?

Jim Broadbent wins Best Supporting Actor for Iris! Man, nobody saw that coming, usually it's Best Supporting Actress that is the shock of the night. I was sure it was between Ben Kingsley and Ian McKellen, because everyone thought that it was between Ben Kingsley and Ian McKellen, but I cannot fault Broadbent winning, he's such a glorious actor.

Ah, here's Cirque du Soliel to illustrate Special Effects. Bet that pirouetting pinhead will be in this number. Wow! That was amazing! Everyone just jumping and twirling and bouncing and flying and leaping, all timed with a film. I just sat there with my jaw hanging open, staring at the screen, I've never seen anything like it.

Kirsten Dunst and Tobey McGuire are presenting together. I hear they just broke up, that must have been a pretty uncomfortable few minutes, standing backstage waiting to go on. "So, how've you been?" "Pretty good, you know, since you sucked out my soul!"

Lord of the Rings wins for Best Visual Effects, shocking absolutely no-one. Hey, someone's thanking Tolkein at last! I'm no fan, but you'd think that someone would have mentioned him in the first few awards. All the Aussies and the Kiwis keep thanking their partners rather than their wives. Does no-one marry down there?

There's Ryan O'Neal, proving that he has neither died of the cancer he has nor lost all of his hair from chemo, a lovely sight to see. Why did they just have a 30 second shot of a darkened section of the audience with no-one interesting sitting in it? Was O'Neal drooling? Fixing his fly? Ah, I see, it was the family of Arthur Hiller, the Humanitarian Award winner. Alles ist klar.

Alright, skipping through the 5 minute Best Score medley. Just a little closer to seeing Randy Newman lose for the 15th time! And he does, LoTR wins. Well, he still has a chance a little later for Best Song. C'mon people, don't make the man dress up again and bring home zippety-doo-dah!

There's Hugh Jackman presenting the Best Short Films. His bowtie is all sideways askew, it's entirely endearing. Every woman in America, if not the world, would give almost anything to straighten it for him. I can feel the yearning.

"We'd like to thank the Academy for this wonderful honor in a category that still allows for a person who's just burning to make a movie to load a camera in the back of his Daddy's old truck, gather up some talented dreamers and do it. And if the stars align and the fates conspire, that person might find himself standing right here at the good God almighty Academy Awards!" It's like watching Jed Clampett win an Oscar, very charming and real.

They are 2 hours and 40 minutes left, aren't they ever going to play some of the Best Song nominees? Maybe they will do them all at once again, like last year. And just as I thought that, out comes Sting to sing his stupid song that had better not win. Although nothing was worse than when Randy lost to Phil Collins, that was embarrassing.

And there was Rand performing with John Goodman, who was awfully hoarse, or does he always sing that way? And God knows it was much better than the year that Susanna Hoffs sang with him.

Wow, was Faith Hill as off-key as I think she just was? Maybe it was me. Man, I hope it was me.

Jennifer Lopez' hairdresser should be shot, or at least have his curling iron confiscated.

O my God, Rand won! He really won!!! I gasped when Jennifer said his name, I truly did. I am so overjoyed. Sixteen nominations, man, sixteen! And the audience is leaping to its feet. They know, they know how great this moment is. He said beforehand that if he lost both, he'd beat the record for most losses without a win in Academy history, and he would rather have the record than the award, but I'll be he's pretty happy it turned out this way.

(gesturing for them to sit down) "I don't want your pity. I want to thank, first of all, the music branch for giving me so many chances to be humiliated over the years. I have nothing, I am absolutely astounded that I won for this, though the picture deserves recognition--they made four pictures in a row that were good. Peter Weir did that once, but I can't remember another instance, exactly. All four of the Pixar/Disney pictures were good. O wait, are you really going to play in four seconds? Don't play! It's been so long, I have something to, I would like to thank Milos Foreman and Barry Levinson, no, I'm very grateful, I would like to thank John Lassiter, Pete Docter, all of these musicians, many of whom have worked for me a number of times and may not again. Walking out here and having someone this beautiful give me this award, I'll never get to heaven, but that's as close as you get, I think. Thanks very much, I'm thrilled!"

And baby, so am I. I have never seen so much real, heartfelt joy on the faces of every single person reacting to a win. The whole audience is over the moon with joy, it's so nice to see.

I'm sorry that Ghost World didn't get Adapted Screenplay, but A Beautiful Mind deserved it just as much.

And I'll say the same thing again, I'm sorry that Memento didn't win for Original Screenplay, but Gosford Park deserves it just as much. He has a son named Peregrine? Good thing he's English, he'd never survive grade school in the States.

And there's Sharon Stone, basically saying by wearing that beautiful dress, "Did you see those really fat paparazzi shots of me recently? Well, I've gotten the weight off!" Have she and Travolta been drinking? I guess that's what happens when you are on so late in the broadcast.

Wow, the moment of silence for 9/11 was very moving, that huge theatre, all those people, and not a sound.

It's 2.27a. I have to keep pausing this in order to type, so the fact that I can skip the commercials doesn't make it go any faster. There's only the two acting awards, picture and director, I think, so I should get to bed by 3a. I certainly hope.

Why is Barbra Streisand giving out Best Actress? It's not as though Russell isn't there, I've seen him! Wait, I guess it said Best Actress behind her because that's what she won, she's actually giving a special award to Robert Redford. I love it, I really do, but this fucking thing may never end.

Wow, Halle Berry! I'm pretty surprised! And so is she, since her legs have seemingly given out on her. Okay, this will be the big weeping speech, no doubt. I'm so glad that when they announced her name and said a little something about her, they didn't say, "And she's the first African-American actress to win a Best Actress award" because that would turn her just into Totem Black woman, not specific actress winning for a specific award. Of course, the first thing that she did was say that herself, but that was her choice to do it, if she wants to represent All Black Womanhood, she can.

You know, most people, when they cry this much get puffy and splotchy-faced. I guess that doesn't happen to models! Hey, thank your castmates, not your lawyer! What's Billy Bob, chopped liver? Apparently. She said, "It's been 74 years here, I've gotta take this time!" Okay, Halle, calm down, it hasn't been 74 years for you, you may represent All Black Actresses Everywhere now, but you really aren't them truly, so back off a little, okay?

And there's Russell making time with her backstage. Hey baby, her husband is just in the audience, and he looks bigger than you! Well, you know, he's very lonely and I'm far far away.

Why did they just show a still picture of Will Smith? He was in the audience at the beginning of the night, has he left? Well, he won't win, no point staying, but you'd think he'd stick around just for show. Was there an emergency with the babysitter?

And Denzel wins. If Russell hadn't attacked the guy at the BAFTAs, he would have won, dammit, but they have decided that they don't care for that kind of behaviour. Let's see if Denzel feels the need to represent All Black Manhood. Nope, he's accepting it for himself, as he should, though of course he acknowledges Sidney Poitier, recipient of a special award earlier this evening. Much earlier.

Ron Howard wins Best Director, I knew they'd pick this overdue director rather than the other one, Robert Altman. It really was a wonderful picture. Every time they have shown the producer, Brian Grazer, all evening, it looks as though someone just clonked him on the back of the head. You can nearly see the cartoon birds flying around his head.

And A Beautiful Mind wins! I knew it would win Best Picture, I just knew it. Also, this means that I can go to bed, it being 3.13a, and I'm about ready to scoop out my eyes with a grapefruit spoon, I'm so tired. Next year I'm just going to watch it starting at 8p when it really starts, I really am.

Today's horoscope:
Clarify goals and Be sure your intentions agree with the intentions of someone sharing tasks with you. Mutual decisions promote accomplishments.

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Last Updated Mon 25 March 03:19:09 2002