A few thoughts on the Screen Actors Guild Awards.

Well, there's a good start, a shot of Russell long haired and bearded and laughing! He must be either loaded already, or he's been to so many awards shows this season that he's learned to suck it up and enjoy them, because even last year, I think, he was still looking miserable and twitchy and like he really wanted to get the hell out of that seat and have a cigarette outside.

Ian McKellan speaking Shakespeare. An excellent choice for that role, I'd far rather hear him do it than Ethan Hawke or Kelsey Grammer or any other actor in that room, save for Ben Kingsley. I saw him on Inside the Actors Studio and he gave "Speak the speech I pray you" better than I've ever heard anyone do it in my life, and I've heard it a few times.

Apparently, what actors do is "work that aims to entrance the eye, to delight the ear and to stimulate the mind." Ian McKellan said that with such simple conviction that I almost believed him.

Kate Beckinsdale apparently went in a time machine to get dressed, she looks like Peggy Fleming. Lovely, but like you'd better not get too near her hair with a match.

I'm glad that they showed Jim Broadbent in the audience, because I think that nearly everyone believes that he is much older and fatter than he in fact is.

Who are these lunatics who nominate Ethan Hawke for things? Why, for God's sake, why? Have they no eyes to see with, no ears to hear with? And, more importantly, didn't they see Steve Buscemi in Ghost World, don't they know a great performer from a hack who can't grow a proper beard when they see one?

Ooh, who is that god sitting next to Ian McKellan? One can only hope that's his date, because then when he doesn't win, he won't care, because he is going home with an Adonis.

Shit, he won! I worship him, and it was a lovely performance, but honestly, Ben Kingsley was incredible in Sexy Beast. Wait, maybe that's not his date, because it's Sean Astin on his other side, maybe it's just people from Lord of the Rings. Well, the god is too handsome not to be an actor, certainly. I must know who he is, someone tell me! They just gave him a close-up, he must be an actor. That I am supposed to know.

Why has no-one, in all of this time since she has done the movie, told Nicole Kidman how to pronounce "Moulin"? I mean, she's wearing those glasses to look smart, one would imagine, then she opens her mouth and blows it.

That's the best clip they could come up with for Peter Boyle? I don't watch the show, but there must be something better than that. Now, Sean Hayes' clip was great, something like that!

And he won! So there you go, good clip, good karma. When they showed Eric McCormack's face afterwards, you could just see him thinking, "Why wasn't I nominated, dammit! I play a funny homosexual too!"

Ah, Simon Baker has now taken over the awards show role of "Australian who is most uncomfortable about being here." He looks like they grabbed him by the lapels backstage and shoved a gun in his mouth and said, "Now you get out there and you read the cards and you hand out the awards or else!" "Alright, but you can't make me look pleasant while I'm doing it!"

Okay, Patricia Heaton officially has what must end up being the worst clip of the night. One can only hope. And she knows it, too, she started laughing like a drain.

Megan Mullally is a lovely woman, but she really should have re-thought the squared-off shoulders on her outfit, because they made her look like her head was in a vise. Neat trick, actually, but probably not what she was going for.

I just rewound three times and have no idea who these stiffs are giving the TV ensemble award. Couldn't get the names, don't recognize them at all, and they seem to have no charisma and be unable to appear interesting while reading a TelePromTer. Must be TV actors. It does help when they say what show they are on, but I guess that the producers are under the impression that these people are known outside their families. They are mistaken.

And the ensemble of Sex and the City wins! And the ensemble is apparently now only three people. There were about twenty of them up there at the Golden Globes, I guess they couldn't get the time off for more than one awards show in a season. Either than or the show will focus very strongly on the core cast this season. They'll be locked in a room together like in that "hell is other people" show. Man, I can't believe I can't remember that title.

Ah, there's little Dakota Fanning! Generally, I don't care for children getting nominated for awards, it tends to be the performing dog vote, but she really gave a very strong performance in I Am Sam, and not just because she is cute. But man, she sure is cute. She looks like she's enjoying everything to the hilt, too.

Love that child actor montage. I do wish that they hadn't cut away from Linda Blair before she said, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" one of the greatest lines ever spoken by a child in the history of cinema.

Thank God someone dressed Sissy Spacek this time. Those she really should be handed a comb and a mirror at some point, but at least she's not wearing her husband's tux.

Helen Mirren wins for Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Wow, she and Meryl Streep should play sisters, I never noticed the resemblance before. And Dakota Fanning was smiling just as hard when she didn't win, which is a good sign for her character.

No Exit, that's it. The play about hell.

What the hells is Damon Wayans wearing? He looks like he just stepped off the set of a Fatty Arbuckle comedy.

Lorraine Bracco looks much less hopeful than she used to at these things. She has that "Edie's gonna win again" face. Edie has a better clip, too, that's a bad sign. But Alison Janney won instead! I really was pulling for Lorraine, poor dear.

Martin Sheen wins Best Actor in a Drama Series. Wow, he still looks pretty.

I hope my beloved CSI wins Best Ensemble for a Drama Series! God, they showed Billy Petersen and my knees went week. And I'm sitting down! I even forgive him for becoming engaged. I like him so much that I watched Young Guns II the other week, now that's true devotion, baby, as there is no reason to watch that movie unless you are obsessed with one of the actors in it.

Ah shit, West Wing. Wrong choice, wrong wrong. Though it is amusing to hear people thanking Tommy Schlamme as often as possible. And where was the nomination for Law and Order-Criminal Intent, might I ask? Vince D'Onofrio is getting close to Billy Petersen on the "guys I can't wait to see every week" list, I'm totally getting into that leaning and peering under his eyebrows thing, and he's a huge man who uses his size well. Also, the first episode I saw, he made a suspect break by implying that his cock was bigger, so you know my ears pricked up.

Shit, Melissa Gilbert sure looks good. Half-Pint in a one-shouldered, skin-tight, bronze-coloured leather dress, quite a sight.

Tom Selleck may be a mother-fucker, which I hear that he is, but he sure is aging well.

Life Achievement Awards, that what the fast-forward button is made for. Even when it's a family friend like Ed Asner. God, he's aged in the past few years. And his eyes have totally disappeared. Most peculiar.

Marisa Tomei needs to do something about her bra strap. Just kidding, those straps are part of the dress. Trust me, if you were looking at the dress as you read that, you would have laughed, it was quite a witty comment.

Judy Davis wins again for playing Judy Garland. She's won everything but the Kentucky Derby with that role.

Rachel Griffith was shoehorned into a much better outfit than at the Globes, thank Christ. That really was hideous.

Yay! Ben Kingsley wins for Best Actor in a TV Movie for Otto Frank! I am so pleased. "May my gratitude be made manifest over the coming weeks, months, and years," there's a classy thing to say. I am curious, though, what is that peculiar stripe on his chin? Is it some sort of beardlet? Did he dribble? If it's there on purpose, I sure hope it's for a role, not as a choice in his life.

Minnie Driver is sure looking good. She always loves wearing dresses that show the space between her breasts, but this time she didn't look all droopy. Either she had them done, or it's a more supportive dress, because there aren't any more underclothes on than the last time I commented on her tits. Possibly both.

Halle Berry wins Best Actress in a Motion Picture. Love the way she gave a relatively in control speech, until the end when she could barely stop herself from jumping up and down.

Yay Russell! Yay yay yay!! Of course, his well-reported insane outburst at the BAFTAs happened too late to affect the voting for this as it might for the Oscars. But hey, in the booth, if he wants to recite a four-line poem, for God's sake, let him!

And the winner for Cast of a Motion Picture goes to Gosford Park, as it simply had to, what with it being not only a cast of thousands, but a cast of thousands where every single one of them is world-class.

And Bob Balaban was so excited that, after giving the speech, he left the award at the podium! Now that's something that I'd do.

Today's horoscope:
Today you can get much satisfaction from your work. By concentrating on doing a good job, you gain pleasure at work.

One year ago today:
No really, seriously, how dumb do you think I am? A little dumb? Really dumb? Well, however dumb you think I am, I am in fact far far dumber.

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Last Updated Mon 11 March 02:29:09 2002