So, I have this piece of paper with all this writing all over it, my chicken scratching, everything facing all different directions. Why I can't carry a notebook like a normal person, I don't know, but when it comes right down to it, we're all lucky that I carry a pen.

Alright, here we go.

So yesterday was the Randy Newman Musicians taping!

A bunch of people from the RN list (the Little Criminals) were going to be there, one of them, John Betley, was actually flying in from Michigan for the day, leaving behind, get this, his wife who is 37 weeks pregnant with a giant-headed child!

Of course, the last giant-headed child that Nicole was pregnant with stopped them from going to see Randy play at Interlochen a couple of years ago, so it seems that their marital fertility is hooked up entirely with Randy's touring schedule. If they really wanted to take one for the team, they'd just always keep a baby marinating, the rest of us would have alot more concerts to go to!

The last one is a cool story, actually. The doctor told them that they couldn't go to the concert, as it was quite a drive and she was just about to pop, so they stayed home. But another list member, Jymm (and yes, he did name himself after me), went and saw Randy afterwards, and gave him his cell phone.

Randy, who had just lost the Oscar to Phil Collins, said to John, "What the hell is so important that you didn't come to see my show?" And John said, "Is this Phil Collins?" which immediately won the prize for being the most clever and cool comeback in the history of comebacks.

John admitted to me yesterday, though, that he said that because he thought it might be Jymm and he didn't want to get all squeaky-voiced and then find out it was a joke. I told him, however, that the reasons meant nothing, only the result was important, and the result was the most clever and cool comeback in the history of comebacks and he should just accept that.

Anyway, it was Betley's first trip to New York, and I promised that I would take him by the hand and lead him to the studio and not let any big bad New Yorkers hurt or make fun of him in any way, mostly because I personally planned to spend the entire day making fun of him myself, and didn't need anyone else butting in.

I talked to Nicole last week, and she said that he would be staying at a hotel that happened to be nearby my office, so I said I'd pick him up there and we'd go to the show together.

"I have pink hair."
"John is 6'4" and looks like Elvis. Really, the hair and the sideburns and everything!"
"We're going to look like a fucking circus walking down the street!"

So I managed to get up at a reasonable hour and leave the house in enough time even to have to wait for fifteen minutes for a van! It was quite startling. It was a gorgeous day, the first time this year that it was warm enough to go out in just a t-shirt.

I took the bus uptown once I got into the city, then walked up the street and proceeded to sail right by the hotel (hey, I walk by it every day, I don't have to remember exactly where it is!), but this big freak falls into step beside me and starts babbling about something or other.

Of course, it wasn't just any big freak, it was the one that I was supposed to meet that somehow knew that sitting in the lobby waiting for me wasn't as good an idea as tackling me as I wander by like a baby duck, you know, if baby ducks walked down the street reading Entertainment Weekly.

And yes, he looks just like Elvis, only taller! And with eyelashes long enough that people standing several feet in front of him would turn around and say, "Hey pal, can you knock off whappin' me with your fucking eyelashes for like a minute?"

So we walked to the studio, which was four blocks away from the hotel. I explained how the streets work in NY, "You see, it's easy, if you are on 57th St. and you want to get to 53rd St., and you walk a block and you are on 58th St., then you have gone the wrong way!" "Because 58 is more than 57!" "See, you're a native already!"

Then he said that where he lives there are these things called mile markers, and there is 18 and 19 and 20 and everything is a mile away from everything else. "So you thought that 53rd St. was four miles away from 57th St.?" "Well, I thought it was a possibility!" I just about busted my spleen laughing.

We finally got there, you know, five minutes later, and we looked around for a line, but there wasn't one yet, so we were first! First, I tell you! And let me make perfectly clear, I spent the next two hours guarding the fact that we were first like a junkyard dog. People kept thinking we were the end and standing in front of us, and I would give them the fisheye and send them on their way.

In fact, when the first of the other LCs arrived, Ralph, I said hi politely and kicked him to the back of the line. I didn't realize I was being all "Move it along, pal, yeah yeah, hello, whatever, back of the line is that way!" until Betley pointed it out to me, actually, but Ralph is the forgiving type. You know, or else he hides his rage well. I went back and talked to him for awhile while Betley was on junkyard dog duty, and I also met Bonnie and Eve and Stephanie soon after. It was an LC extravaganza!

Ralph was in town for his parents' 65th wedding anniversary, so of course he abandoned them to spend the day at a TV taping. Never underestimate the power of fandom over family obligations. Bonnie is about the size of my finger with bouncy blonde hair and big eyes and looks like a doll, and she is not a slut by any stretch of the imagination. Honestly! No, I swear! Neither is she a groupie, and I won't hear another word about it! Stephanie is sarcastic and funny and reminds me so much of a woman that I work with, I ended up grilling her on whether they were related. They must be doppelgangers.

After talking to Ralph and being sociable, I went back up to my rightful place at the front of the line, where Eve was giving Betley hell over leaving Nicole home with the baby about to come.

"But the labour last time was about 36 hours, even if she starts now, I'll be back in time!"
"Second babies come much faster!"
I said, "Look, he's seen the first one born, who needs to see two? Not when he can go swanning off to New York!"

Then we teased him about his babies having gigantic, pumpkin heads (hey, he told us, it's not our fault that we ran with the info!) until it was time to go inside. She's hilarious, I wish she had hung around afterwards with us, but she didn't want to spend the entire day away from her four year old. "C'mon, you've seen her for four years, you can miss one day!" but she would not be swayed. You know why? Because she is a good parent, that's why.

We were also looking for this other guy, not a list member, but a friend of a list member who was supposed to be tall with curly hair. Unfortunately, there were about thirty guys answering that description, so we didn't find him.

"What's that guy's name? That friend of Peep's? Unreliable Fred?"
"You mean Unsteady Freddy?"
"O yeah! I was looking for someone unreliable, but I don't know so much what that looks like. Besides tall and curly-haired."
"Where is that Wobbly Bob?"

And I fell over laughing.

Finally, it was time to go in, long after they had threatened to close the doors. But we were first! You know, except that we weren't, because they found another group of people apparently more attractive and well-connected than us and filed them in first.

But there weren't so many of them, and after they searched and wanded us (which I always find rather complimentary, like I'm a dangerous character), we went in and I firmly told the seating guy that Betley and I were on the VIP list and we were allowed to sit in the reserved section. Stephanie, being no fool, followed us right to there and scammed a reserved seat as well.

They didn't even check the list or anything, so a tip for anyone going to Musicians tapings in future, just say that you are on that list and maybe you'll get blowjobs and foot massages and peeled grapes! Not that we got those, but it's early in the season.

Ever since this taping was announced, as well as the Elvis Costello taping immediately following, Betley kept saying that Elvis is a big fan of Randy's, and maybe he'd be there! You probably could hear the howls of laughter all over America whenever he asked anyone, "Do you think Elvis will be there? 'Cause he's a big Randy fan, you know!" When we were in line, he asked the list keeper, who looked at him like he was insane. I thought he was being a dreamer. Soon after we sat down, there was a small flurry audience right, and it was Elvis Costello and his wife!

I apologized for doubting him. Clearly, the universe knew that this was his first trip to New York, and insisted on making everything really totally cool. I was very pleased that I wouldn't have an opportunity to talk to Elvis, because I know that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying, "I named my cat after you!"

Eve tried to join us in the Section for Cool people, but was booted across the aisle to the Section for Slightly Less Cool people. Clearly, they didn't know who they were dealing with! The two seats next to me and the two seats in front of them were set aside for Randy's management, which meant that Cathy sat right by me. I didn't say hello, though, I got all shy about it.

They made the guy in front of me put a jacket on over his white t-shirt, but they didn't make me do anything about my hair. This made me certain that I would not be appearing on television, which was just dandy with me. Betley wanted to be on camera, but I assured him that no-one anywhere near me would get into shot, as I was too distracting to be in the background.

Finally, several hours after the whole extravaganza began, and certainly several hours after this entry began, Randy came onstage! We had been warned that he would do a cold opening, meaning that he would play a song and we would be quiet as the grave, clapping only afterwards, so we did that.

1. You've Got a Friend in Me

He played this to great acclaim, but boy did he think he sucked! He brought it up at every possible opportunity, saying that he would redo it if he wasn't such a hack. It, needless to say, did not at all suck, but you can't talk someone out of that opinion when they are certain of it. It's like falling in love, you just know.

The interviewer, music writer David Wild, is sort of awkward and not very camera-ready, but he clearly loves music and really wants to know what the person that he is talking to has to say. Sometimes he sounds a little fannish, a little like Chris Farley when he did that sketch where he was interviewing Paul McCartney, "Remember when you did 'Sergeant Pepper?'" "Yes." "That was awesome..." but mostly he asked pretty good questions, and his genuine interest in Randy probably made the situation more comfortable for him.

They started out talking about Randy's family, which lead to them walking down to the piano to play the song his father wrote for Bing Crosby. They cut tape then, because apparently the walking was a little thumpety, so they had to do it again. "I could tiptoe down the fucking stairs, if you like!" he said as they went back to the chairs.

Every time they stopped tape, David and Randy would start talking and talking and they had to wait for them to stop so that they could roll tape again, which was highly entertaining for the audience.

Right before they re-did the walk down the stairs in a less stompy manner, David said that when he interviewed Lou Reed, right before they started, he said "You can't ask about the music, and you can't ask about my personal life," and Randy muttered, "I wish I'd thought of that," which made Betley get the giggles. I got the giggles too, but not because of that (because I didn't hear it), it was because of them sort of awkwardly saying, "Would you care to play it?" "Why yes, I would," and then trying to levitate down the stairs.

The entire audience was dead silent, and the two of us were shaking with the giggles, like five year olds. I was trying like hell not to snort, looking down, biting the inside of my cheek, anything not to be the one to ruin the take like an ass.

Fortunately, though it felt like it took half an hour, soon they started to talk again, and he played:

2. Who Gave You the Roses by his father
3. 20th Century Fox Theme by Lionel Newman
4. Again by Lionel Newman
5. Daniel Boone Theme by Lionel Newman

It was really cool, and it was very interesting to hear all of those songs. I'd heard his dad's song when he did the Later interview so long ago, but I had never heard him play it. He suggested that his dad was looking up at him from beyond the grave, criticizing the way he did the song, so he quickly changed keys.

"My mother and father looked like movie stars. My brother and I, less so."

6. Blue Monday by Fats Domino

This was so cool, about the best part of the show. I really love this song, and he just wailed on it. I've never heard him play something that he didn't write, but of course, his style is so strong that he made it completely his own. He totally should do a cover album, that would be a real treat to hear.

"Fats Domino rhymed 'New Orleans' and 'shoes' once! Stephen Sondheim wishes he could do that!"

David had asked him to do just a verse and a chorus, but he played the whole song, so for the next question he said, "Can you give me a verse and a chorus, and this time I really do mean a verse and a chorus..." "I tried, but there was no way out!"

7. Dixie Flyer

One of my favourites of his songs, so thrilling to hear, even just a verse and a chorus. I know that some people probably didn't care for doing bits of songs here and there, but I rather like hearing more different things, things that he never plays, things that you never hear live, even if it's just bits and pieces, it's quite a treat, and were he only doing entire songs, you wouldn't get all these tastes. Randy had a tough time, though, with picking up a song in the middle, "It's muscle memory," he explained.

It was like being invited to his house and having a private concert, that's how homey it felt. And it was really engaging to see the interviewer standing by the piano, bobbing his head sort of vaguely in time with the music with a big smile on his face.

They started talking about his early work. Randy said that he really thought that he was writing mainstream stuff, and he would play them for people and get the strangest looks. Which lead to him playing:

8. A bit of a song "Little girl can I take you away..."

It's quite a lovely little song, simple without being simplistic. Someone should record it someday! It's funny, because it was written in the 60's, but it didn't sound like an oldie or anything, it sounded quite contemporary. Which might explain why Randy never was able to be Carole King back then.

9. Davy the Fat Boy

They started talking about the first album, and he played just bits and pieces of the above, but it was fascinating, because he showed how the song originally was, and then how he pulled it apart to add this enormous orchestral score, and this was the first time he conducted, so when the orchestra slowed down, he would slow down too, because he thought they knew better than he did, which is why the song is slow and swoopy and he has to hold those notes for so long. As Betley said afterwards, he really liked Randy playing it the first way, the faster way, and I quite agree. I've never particularly cared for the song, even though it's one of Randy's favourites, and I never realized it was just the arrangement I didn't like.

"I've always liked my voice, basically, it was America that didn't like it."

Then the subject turned to other people recording his songs, what cover versions he liked the best (Betley and I started whispering "Mine! He likes mine best!") and he played parts of:

10. Mama Told Me Not to Come
11. Leave Your Hat On

He said he never understood why Joe Cocker had such a hit with it when he didn't, and he played part of it in his key, and it was astoundingly sexy, and then he said how he accompanied Cocker once, and found that he sings it way up in C, which made the song more like he was ordering the woman to disrobe, rather than suggesting that she might want to.

"Try that on some women I know, you'll get your testicles wrapped around your neck."

12. I Think it's Going to Rain Today

This was the whole song, the lights changed and everything. David introduced it saying, "It has been recorded by many people, but none better than you," and I whispered "You haven't heard mine!" and then he proved that David was right. Wow, took my breath away.

Then David started asking about how he wrote this, and what made him think of that, and he did parts of:

13. Sail Away
14. Rednecks
15. God's Song

Which he said was probably written by probably divine inspiration.

"If I could believe in an afterlife I'd probably be a happier person. And I'd drive faster."

16. Political Science

Again, this one was the whole song. It was really interesting, you could totally tell from the audience reaction who was hearing these songs for the first time, this girl behind me for one, who was consistently giggling away. It was quite sweet to hear. The cameramen were grinning as well and clearly enjoying it. You always know that you've got something when the crew is watching the show and not just working the show.

"About Short People. How could you!"

17. Short People

This got huge laughs. Know why? It was real funny! I thought I knew the song, and of course I do, but hearing him play it live was so different! I'd forgotten how really truly hilarious this song it.

In telling another story, about how good The Eagles are at being backup singers, and how much more fastidious they were then he is (and how they have a damn plane), he said, "What was that song I did with Jeff Lynne, anyone remember?" turning to the audience, and Betley came right out with:

18. Falling in Love

At the same moment that David said the same thing. He cringed and tried to get really small, like they were going to grab him by the scruff of his neck and throw him out into the street where he belongs, but nobody reacted, and probably the mics were too far away to catch it. He was just showing off.

He knows all of the keys, too, whenever Randy hesitated over saying what key something was in, I'd hear a hissed "A," or "B flat" next to me. I said, "I'm a singer and I haven't the vaguest idea what any of the keys are!" "And you call yourself a fan..."

19. It's Money That I Love

"'Born Again' was my lowest selling album, and that's saying something!"

20. Pants

Now that was a treat, and absolutely hysterical! This song never struck me, I always thought it was kinda dumb, but just seeing him sing "I'm gonna take off my pants!" in an enthusiastic tone was worth the price of admission. Which was free, of course, but it would have been worth more than that, I swear!

21. Tickle Me

And then was intermission, so they could change the tape. But no getting up! No peeing! Stay there! My back teeth were starting to float. They distracted us from the pressure by giving out t-shirts for answering trivia questions correctly. There were five t-shirts given, and Ralph, Eve and Betley won three of them, so our team did very well. I can never think of titles and things quickly enough, myself.

After the no peeing intermission was over, Randy and David came back out, and the crew started fixing Randy's microphone and things, and you could really tell that some of the artists that they had had before were real temperamental. Randy was all like, "It's fine, is it okay for you?" and they would say, almost cringing, "No, no, how is it for you?" "Well, I hope my chin will have something to say!"

While we were waiting for them to finish setting up, the guy in front of me called out, "Hey Randy, while we're waiting, can we hear:"

22. 1927 Louisiana

"Sure!" he answered, and he just sailed right into it. Everyone was really set after he finished, all ready to call out their favourites, but Eve won, firmly calling for"

23. The Great Nations of Europe

More big laughs. Clearly, they were ready to start again, but nobody looked as though they were waiting for him to shut the hell up or anything, even the stage manager was grinning, and they are usually way too busy to smile.

Finally, they started again, and David asked whether he regretted anything he ever wrote, and Randy played a bit of:

24. The Blues

And said that he sort of thought that he was wrong to make fun of a kid with a bad life taking solace in music. After he played it, though, he said that maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

25. My Life is Good

That was a peculiar one. David lead him into playing the Bruce Springsteen section of the song, and he started to, but then stopped to explain the conceit of the song, that no matter how rich and famous you are, your kids will act like kids anyway, then he tried to pick it up, but had to go back to the beginning, then got to the Springsteen part, then stopped. So he never really played the bit that was the answer to the question. I doubt they'll be able to use any of that song.

It was great listening to him tell stories, but he would wander away from the point so egregiously that half the time both be and David would have forgotten the original question entirely. He would just start telling a story, which would remind him of another story, and then another and another, until he was six stories away from the first one, and it would be like herding ducks for David to try to get the first story finished. It was fascinating, if somewhat difficult to make television. I don't envy the editors.

They started talking about the autobiographical nature of 'Land of Dreams', which lead Randy to repeat:

26. Dixie Flyer

Which he sang while annotating what was true and what was false.