Couple of thoughts on the Grammys, which I finally watched the other night.

Love that opening bit with Jon Stewart being strip-searched. Though why was he wearing grey pin-striped underwear? Is that the new trend in gentlemen's undergarments?

Ah, "Lady Marmalade". Pink certainly has watched Blade Runner a few too many times, or perhaps old Plasmatics videos, as she is now about the most terrifying whore I have ever seen. Christina, on the other hand, looks more like Shirley Temple and less like Dee Snider, always a good thing in a prostitute, as they should look at least a leetle fuckable.

And who else besides me had a small moment of fear when they announced Patti LaBelle that she might be dressed in a similar outfit as the other girls? Fortunately, she was wearing all of the red fabric in the entire world. It's a good thing that it is after Christmas, or there would be a world-wide shortage of Santa suits.

And there's Sarah Hughes on stage at the Grammys, surrounded by the Backstreet Boys, presenting an award, taking one more step on her journey of living the most perfect sixteen-year-old life ever recorded.

Hey, there's Godfrey! There's Godfrey's 7-Up commercial! Godfrey from The It Factor! I wonder how much he argued during the shoot? Did they run over because he was being hard-headed? Someday I'll get over this fixation with the show, but that day is not today.

I've gotta tell ya, I feel like an alien watching this transmission beaming across the light years--I haven't heard any of these songs. Am I the oldest, most out of touch person on the planet? Well, at least I've heard of nearly everyone, even though I haven't actually heard them. In twenty years when they are on oldies radio, I'll be listening to them then.

That lead singer of Train is pretty fucking cute, if very theatrical. He'll do well in one of the spectacle shows in Vegas in ten years or so, like the one that David Cassidy was in a couple of years ago. He also looks about 40, which is something I like in a lead singer, as I feel like a child molester when I see some of these little boychiks humping their microphone stands.

Hmmm, three awards in a row won by people who had just performed and were loitering backstage...An amazing co-incidence, or are they fiddling with the envelopes back there? Of course, it saves time not having to wait for people to walk down the aisle, but it's starting to look just the tiniest bit suspicious.

"Here to make us feel homely and overweight, Alejandro Sanz and Grammy winners Destiny's Child!"

Man, the look on Pamela Anderson's face when Jamie Fox said, "I've seen your work Pam, and I'd really like to do something with you sometime..." The heat of it was so strong, I'm pretty certain that ol' Jamie will be unable to produce children in the future.

Jesus Christ, since when does Billy Joel look like that guy who played The Commish? I sure hope he isn't still singing "Angry Young Man" for any reason, including completely alone in the shower, as it might upset the balance of logic in the universe. Tony Bennett is what, twenty years older and looks about fifty times better. On the other hand, this lounge lizard version of "New York State of Mind" is about the worst thing I've ever heard and I once listened to an entire Christina Aguilera song.

Perhaps the reason that Britney Spears is still a virgin is because Justin Timberlake's balls haven't dropped yet. Just a thought.

Nelly's a boy? Since when? Man, I really am out of it. O wait, I was thinking of Nelly Furtado, I thought I'd gone completely mad for a minute there.

And she just won a Grammy, so clearly they thought that she'd be hanging around backstage with N'Synch, they got the Nellys mixed up as well. Though it would be more likely to mix her up with Courtney Cox. They have almost the exact same speaking voice as well, which made it sound extremely peculiar when she said that someone was "Da bomb!"

I'm not entirely certain that I wasn't seeing things, but it seems to me that I just saw George Thorogood sing "Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-brown" to the tune of "Bad to the Bone" in a UPS commercial. Normally I would make a joke here that he must have gotten a big tax bill, but actually he is so rock solid in his coolness that he makes even doing a UPS commercial and rhapsodizing about the brown trucks seem cool. Which is quite a stretch.

And here's the crew from O Brother! Alison and Gillian and Emmylou and Ralph and Dan and Pat and Jerry and Mike and Ron and especially Barry, the entire reason that I am watching the Grammys for the first time in, like, ever. And well worth it to see that Barry shaved off that horrible goatee. Dan's voice sounds a little rough, though. Possibly because he has been singing this song every single day for the past two years. He looks kind of red and sweaty as well. He is clearly "The Man of Constant Sore Throat."

And Dan wins Best Country Collaboration! Yay Dan! Though if would have been nice if "Didn't Leave Nobody But the Baby" would have won, as I adore that song, and Dan's won everything lately, but I'm not complaining.

Ah, so I am finally going to hear "Fallin'". Is it always a flamenco number? I'll bet not. The theme of this Grammys seems to be disparate artists jammed together whether they like it or not. There can never be only one kind of music of the stage! The Grammys have spoken! I wonder, is she singing with her eyes closed because there is so much glitter on her lids that she can't open them?

Why is The Dave Matthews Band performing alone? Shouldn't they have a guy playing a polka on the accordion along with them?

So Bono pulls The Edge away from the microphone because they are afraid that he'll talk too long, and then he goes on and on and has to be played off. I'd have rather heard about The Edge's new house.

They just showed pictures of who won before they turned the cameras on, and Union Station won for Bluegrass Song and for Album, and in the photo they used for album, Barry was bending over the mic as if he were actually speaking into it! Man, win enough Grammys and they'll even let the bass player make a speech.

Bob Dylan's performing. Is is head growing? I don't remember it being this big twenty years ago. And what's with that Rhett Butler moustache? That's a sign of a guy with too much time on his hands, if he can shave his facial hair into a neat little shape like that with corners and everything. Comes a time, though, you're a little too old and craggy for the under the chin spotlight--it looks like he should be telling ghost stories at summer camp.

Ha! They are announcing the Album of the Year nominees, and one of them is ol' cragmeister Bob, of course, and when they announced his name and turned the camera on with a flourish backstage, it was just a beautifully lit shot of the set, he wasn't standing there! Did he have to go to the bathroom? What if he wins? Is this the Golden Globes?

I guess he just knew that "O Brother" was going to win! Yay! I'm so thrilled--it was supposed to be a U2 sweep, but no-one can beat the unrelenting steamroller that is this album, and bluegrass music this year. Fuck you rock, pop and R&B, not to mention mainstream Nashville country music, if it ain't got a fiddle, a mando and a stand-up bass, it ain't winning this year!

After seeing all 40 people onstage accepting for "O Brother", Jon Stewart said "Okay, we need to make it clear that you have to have worked on the album to come up onstage, not just have listened to the album!"

Why did Gwen Stephani look surprised when she announced that Alicia Keys won Song of the Year? It's not like she hasn't won like four others tonight. Surely she didn't think that India.Arie (who?) was going to be getting out of her seat for any reason but to go to the ladies room all night.

Apparently, there is a group called Outkast that is somewhat popular, considering the general howling from the audience when Jon Stewart announced them. Why is that man wearing a long blonde wig and a pink satin pantsuit? About 150 years old, that's me.

Someone should tell Nelly the girl that holding a microphone in your immobile right hand does not mean that you need to wave your left hand around like it's brandishing semaphore flags. I kind of like this song, though.

And Outkast wins for Best Pink Satin Pantsuit!

And I officially apologize to India.Arie for my remarks above, her song is my favourite non-bluegrass of the night. It kicks butt! It certainly kicks Alicia Keys' butt! Now I see why she got seven nominations even though she is only marginally more famous than my cat Monty, this is a fucking great song.

Stevie Wonder is looking more and more like Stephen Segal every day. They should play twins in a movie, you know, if Stephen Segal ever gets to be in another movie.

Why does it seem that for hours after the broadcast they will still be announcing the 4000 awards that were given out before the broadcast? Will they be standing by my bed tomorrow morning, shaking my shoulder and bellowing in my ear who won Best Record by an Icelandic Group with Bagpipes and Small Cat?

Today's horoscope:
Today, logic and practicality are necessary. Do some problem- solving, focusing on an area needing improvement.

One year ago today:
The need for a Southern woman to have the house clean for a guest that she doesn't even know and isn't her guest and who doesn't care about the state of the house is stronger than any force on the planet.

* Yesterday / Index / This Month / Tomorrow *

E-Mail

Graphics by the wildly exotic Saundra!

This page was written by hand. My hand. Only pussies use HTML editors.
Last Updated Mon 4 March 00:46:09 2002