This wonderful entry by Lucy could have so easily been written by me. Of course, nearly every single overweight person ever feels or has felt that way, that fear of getting thin, we think we are all so unique but really we have a collective hive-mind about things.

I know how safe it is being fat, you can blame everything on it, all of your problems in your life are because of your weight, it's not even conscious, except when we think, "Man, if I was thin, that wouldn't have happened, or my life wouldn't be like this," until we do start to get thin and we realize that if we lose the weight and the problems don't magically go away, then we might have to face the actual reasons behind the things wrong in our lives, and we decide that we'd better get fat again right quick.

Possibly the fact that I have been gaining weight steadily after my last relationship might say something. I can blame the reason no-one wants to date me on my being overweight rather than there being some problem in the way that I approach people, or the way that I present myself. Why bother trying to look pretty, it's be like putting makeup on a hippo, a big waste of time!

I remember once when I was really super-thin, and I wasn't afraid of it because being borderline anorexic, I didn't actually think that I was thin. In thinking about it, I remember a couple of times that I was able to see myself from outside of my head and realize that I was thin, but it didn't stick.

I remember being in England for a summer programme at the University of London and hanging around with my two friend Beth and Spike, Beth being kinda chunky and Spike being pretty normal, and we were bitching about our weight. Beth said, "I'm so fat," and Spike said, "I'm so fat," and I said, "I'm so fat," and they said, "O shut up! I hate it when people like you say that they are fat!" Because I was so thin, you see. And I was amazed when they said that, absolutely shocked and thrilled.

Another time was that same summer, when I was in my dorm room and I decided to wash my hair in the sink that was right there rather than take a shower, so I took off my shirt and I washed my hair in my bra and jeans (I had a crew cut at the time, makes it easy for basin washing). I didn't close the shades, because I never close the shades, and I didn't think twice about it until I later heard that the class across the street from me spent the entire period enthralled at my hair washing. I knew I was thin then, and these boys were my friends, so I wasn't insulted, I was again shocked and thrilled.

The third major time I knew I was thin was in my senior year of college. I was cast in a play where I was kidnapped and a guy had to lift me in his arms. "I'm way too heavy," I said, "We're going to have to do something else." "No you're not," the director said, and to prove it, he lifted me in his arms. I had never been lifted like that, not ever, it was as though I had flapped my arms and flew to the moon.

So all these times I was so sure I was fat, but really I was thin and I was happy to find out that I was thin, but it never stuck in my head. This really has nothing whatever to do with what Lucy said in her entry, but I thought of it when musing over this fear of being thin.

The fear of thinness, though, is very real. The fear of attention. Now, when people compliment me on the street, it's about my hair which I do on purpose, so that I welcome and I control. When people say, "Heeeeey baaaaby," at me, I usually assume that they are big freaks, because usually they are big freaks, plus they must be delusional if they say "Heeeeey baaaaby," at me. When you are thin, unwelcome male attention is scarier, because it's more real, because if you are attractive, that makes you feel like a target.

I don't want to be afraid of being thin. Of course, even this vague possibility is about a year or ten months away, but if I'm thinking about it now, maybe I can head it off at the pass. I want to be thin and pretty, I want to play leading lady roles instead of character roles, I want to be thought of as a dateable person rather than someone with a good personality.

I want all of these things, and I don't want to not get them because I sabotage myself due to fear.

Today's horoscope:
Today you're making room for what you want and the demands of others in relationships. Aim for practicality and compromise.

One year ago today:
"I really have to hash out my plans with Jessie, she seemed like she was getting really tense in that email. Hey, gum!"

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Last Updated Wed 13 February 00:48:09 2002