My head is spinning, it is so full of thoughts.

The Wild Mouse is not back, I would like to make that clear, but I am currently filled with enough emotion that if pushed in the wrong direction, the ride will start again. Right now, though, just filled with feeling, yet still stable.

Updates to come as I continue to lose my mind.

I mean honestly, I am 38 years old, that's thirty-eight. Years! Old! When will I grow up? On the other hand, if I ever do grow up I'll probably be a much duller person and nobody would read my online diary. See what I do for you people? I keep myself emotionally immature, just for you. I certainly hope that you appreciate it.

And no matter how much I was wishing I was in a coma the last time the Wild Mouse poked its nose above the waves (if I grew up I'll bet I wouldn't mix my metaphors to such an appalling extent), if I couldn't feel as bad as it is possible for me to feel, neither would I be able to feel as good. And since neither the lowest badness nor the highest highs have anything whatever to do with reality, it's all manufactured in my head, maybe what I could wish for is that I didn't have such an imagination, but if I didn't have that then all the joy would be gone from my life entirely and who wants that?

You see, here's how it works. I get an idea in my head and I nurture it an feed it and water it and help it to grow, and then suddenly it's Audrey II, eating everything in sight and demanding blood, and my heart breaks because this thing that I imagined isn't true. But it never was true! This is the part that I forget, I cannot be sad because something that I made up in my head that has no basis in reality whatsoever isn't true! That's crazy talk!

If I am going to enjoy my fantasies about what my life would be like if one thing were different, I need to keep solidly in mind that that thing is not different. Not one bit. Then I won't fall apart when it flies in my face that everything is as it always was, when nothing was ever different except for the thoughts in my head. I really really really need to remember this for the next couple of weeks.

I need to remember that there is such a thing as the power of positive thinking, but I also must keep in mind that wanting something doesn't make it so and that dreams are dreams, not sneak previews of things to come.

Man, did you know that it's only Wednesday? I spent all of yesterday thinking that it was Thursday or Friday. Well, maybe not Friday, because then I would have felt all Friday-ish, but something very late in the week. And it's not as though I've been working myself into a coma, either, I've been doing stuff that needs to get done, certainly, but none of the real sweat-breaking work that I need to do before I go home on the 20th.

Maybe it's because I realized how much I have to do next weekend, the weekend of no bloody rest whatsoever. I have to spend a day in the darkroom, and still probably won't be enough, I have some vital Christmas shopping to get done, I have to spend a day with friends (admittedly not a chore, but something that I still have to squeeze in), there is also the Christmas shows and the Christmas party afterwards, and now I have to help with the strike Sunday afternoon and when the hell am I going to get into the darkroom? Dammit!

Of course it doesn't matter if I get any rest, I am going home on the 20th and will do nothing but lay around the house like a log for two weeks so there will be nothing but rest to be had then. The only important thing is actually getting everything done. Somehow. Maybe I'll try to get into the darkroom after work one day this week. Except for the fact that I have to work late every single day until I die. Also I have to finish copying those tapes and the navy blue scarf is only barely begun and I haven't even bought the wool for the dove grey one (I thought I had, but was mistaken) and argh! Argh!

It's a good thing I'm not having sex with anyone on a regular basis, because how could I possibly fit it in? My schedule, that is. See how everything works out for the best?

Today's horoscope:
Do you really have to burst the bubble of someone who's walking on air? Your motives might be called into question. Live and let live for another few days, when it will be obvious to all how right you are.

One year ago today:
That death is an inevitable part of life, no more to be feared or dreaded than birth, that the dead watch over me and that their love of me and mine of them will never die.

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Last Updated Mon 10 December 17:15:09 2002