So, one of the three journals that I am currently printing out and catching up on is Sarah's, a journal I discovered when Mo linked her Oscar recap entry and then included mine as an afterthought.

"Hmph!" I thought, "Like her Oscar recap entry could possibly be better than my Oscar recap entry! Why, I am famous for my Oscar recap entries! My Oscar recap entries rock the fucking world!!" And I raised my crest and strutted around, claiming my territory--I practically started spraying. Then I read it and, whoops! It is better than mine. Dammit. So I decided to read the whole journal.

I'm not done yet, but yesterday I started reading her stunning entries from last September, and they struck me with such force that I feel compelled to talk about them even though I have not caught up all the way yet.

Let me start by saying that I don't think about it anymore, about the WTC--I didn't watch the six month anniversary show last month, I haven't been down there, I have no intention of going down there, I barely look up to see the light in the sky. When I have come across entries in other journals that I am reading from the beginning, I skim them, and they really don't affect me. I haven't forgotten, but I don't feel strongly about it anymore. It happened, it was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life, and now I don't think about it. I don't have to, it lives inside of me.

Then I read Sarah's entries, and I burst into tears at work. I though I hadn't forgotten, but I had, I had forgotten what it was like here in NY when it happened, how it felt, how people were acting, how the sound of a plane overhead made people freeze in their tracks, the sense of horror and loss and wanting to do something. And most of all, just being so sad, straight down to the bone. Feeling as though I had been flayed, everything was so raw and bright and hurt so much, but we had to go on nonetheless.

Like I said, I haven't been down there since it happened, which is something that doesn't particularly make me different from other New Yorkers. We don't go there. If we live or work nearby, that's one thing, but if we don't, then we don't go down there. Tourists go down there. Tourists need to go down there to make it real, because they feel removed from it, they weren't living here when it happened.

Literally the only residents I know who have been down there went because they were bringing an out of towner--although some may have gone to the lighting ceremony, I don't know. My feelings on the matter are reflected in this cartoon, though I want to say that I in no way am putting down anyone who has gone or wants to go, we each do what we need to do, I need to stay away.

The closest I have been was last year when I did that benefit for that theatre that had been closed down due to what happened, and was trying to stay afloat. I didn't realize how far downtown I was until I was saying, "What is that smell?" and I saw the fence and realized where I was. This was in December, might I add, and the smell was so strong still, I cannot imagine what it was like in the aftermath.

So, reading these entries by Sarah and the guest entry by her husband really brought it all home, that I shouldn't forget. That we all need to do what we need to do, but my need to protect myself is outweighed by my need to remember, to never forget, ever.

"Someday a kid might ask me if I remember the World Trade Center. It was just there this morning."

Lenten entries missed:

Wil has unlinkable entries, but he did an extremely good April Fool's joke, that I actually guessed, but I'm sorry it's not true. Also, he wrote another section of SpongeBob VegasPants (the saga that will not end) and is auditioning like a motherfucker. I hope he gets a gig soon!

Today's horoscope:
Time to get away. If you cannot take an actual trip, plan one for the future. Concentrate on how you can be independent.

One year ago today:
"O, I get it, I'm clearing off the table and he is in love with the placemats, so he is finding it very upsetting."

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Last Updated Sat 20 April 02:46:09 2002