My mother has started to take a computer class. I think only to make me crazy. She has a computer that she bought a few years ago, but it is without question the worst computer that she could have bought--you know, it doesn't have a modem or any MS Office software, it has a 5" floppy drive for Chrissakes, but she got it and I taught her to play solitaire on it over the phone.

Now she has started taking this class, well, she has had one class so far, and she wants to practice at home on the lousy computer, and I'm trying to help her find where things are and she can barely remember how to turn the thing on, and I'm having to wrack my brains to recall how 3.1 works, not to mention DOS.

"Okay, I used to turn it on and there were my games, but now there is just a black screen with words on it, and it says..."
"Don't read it to me."
"It says blah blah blah and blah..."
"Stop it! None it matters!"
"Blah-de-blah-de-blah blah blah..."
"Argh! Stop! Isn't there a C prompt?"
"A what? No, there's just, let me read it from the beginning..."
"O God, no, don't, just type in cd space windows."
"CD what?"
"Then space then windows."
"Okay, then what?"
"Hit enter, then type W-I-N and hit enter again."
"It didn't work, now it says...wait, there it is! There are my games!"
"You've always had to do that, Mom, to start the machine, don't you remember?"
"Yes, I guess I do now. Now, where is everything else besides the games?"
"Okay, you have to minimize that window."
"How do I do that?"
"Click the little...um, what's in the corner?"
"There's an up arrow and a down arrow."
"Ah, yes, click the down arrow and that will minimize the window."
"Okay, now it says "Program Manager" in the corner and the rest is all honeycomb."
"No no no, don't minimize the program manager, just the games! Now, maximize it again."
"How...?"
"Double click! Double click!"
"Okay, it's big again."
"Now click the down arrow on the games window, click the inner down arrow."
"Ah, okay, now it says main and windows and blah and blah..."
"Click main..."
"And blah and blah..."
"Click main!!"
"Okay, now it says..."
"Just the file manager, click the file manager!!! Don't tell me anything else!

I swear, I would make the worst help desk person alive, I cannot talk my mother through even one step on the computer without my head wanting to explode, and my talking in a strangled, tense voice. I don't know if it will be worse as she goes on in this class or not. Possibly the only thing worse than my mother not knowing a thing about computers is my mother knowing a little bit about computers.

God help me.

Today's horoscope:
In your relationship, you expect a lot. Nagging and dissatisfaction won't help; look for practical improvements.

One year ago today:
She knew that she was sneaking, but she didn't quite get that in order to successfully sneak, you cannot actually begin a sentence with the words "I was sneaking..."

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Last Updated Thurs 12 July 09:56:09 2001