I am a licensed driver in the state of New Jersey!

I know, everyone's quite shocked, I certainly am myself, but it all came out right in the end as it always does. Did you ever play with jigsaw puzzles? Sorry, that's a quote from my play, it just came out, don't mean to be confusing.

Anyways, on Thursday night I came home and Cynthia wasn't there, she was working and had been since 3a, which led me to believe that she wouldn't be needing the car at 7a the next morning, but since I had lost my car keys like a year ago I needed to make certain that she left her keys on the hook, and I also needed directions to the place.

I figured that it was pushing my luck to expect her to give me directions after working for literally 24 hours, so I tried MapQuest. Which insanely tried to send me via US 1 & 9, and I figured that it would be hard enough to be awake and driving at 7a without attempting to get somewhere via the Road to Hell, and the place os on 90th and Bergenline, and I know where Bergenline is and 90th is over that way, you know, the direction where the numbers go up, so I thought I could probably find the way.

I got up at 6.30 without too much tsuris, went upstairs to see if the key was on the hook, and it was! But it looked strange. And I realized that it was my key, not Cynthia's, the key that I had been looking for for a year! You know, or an incredible simulation.

So I got into the car, and the lock on the driver side has been broken for like ages, so Cynthia gets in on the passenger side and clambers across. But since I have not the lithe and gamine figure of Cynthia, and cannot fold myself to the size of a Kleenex as she can, I must unlock the driver door and hope to God I can get it locked up again.

So I drove to McDonald's for breakfast, where I managed to dissuade them from putting eggs on my sausage biscuit for about the millionth time (they are very firm in their decision that I should be eating more eggs), then realized that if I kept driving on Park, the numbers were going up, and I was parallel to Bergenline, so no point in going over, then I came upon Broadway, and I too that, and the numbers were going up and going up and I was happy and most pleased because I was making good time and not on US 1 & 9.

Then I was at around 72nd St. or so, then there was a park, and everything got confusing. The streets got really wide and there were no signs and there was a roundabout, of all things (was I suddenly in England), and then another roundabout, and I was entirely confused, and then I turned a corner and I was suddenly on Boulevard East. Where did Boulevard East come from? And where were the numbered streets?

Then there was a number again! 79th? How could I possibly be on 79th when I have been driving for ten minutes since I saw 72nd? And then there was 78th. How the hell did I manage to be suddenly going away from the DMV? I drove forward the whole time, I am certain of it!

Anyway, head spinning, I turned around, and decided to stay on Boulevard East, because maybe The Park of Confusion wouldn't suddenly eat me up and spit me out randomly, maybe next time I wouldn't even be in New Jersey anymore! So I drove and drove and the numbers were going up and up, and there was 80th, and there was 85th, and then...the numbers were gone again! Argh!

Then I hit an intersection, turned my head, and saw a sign saying "Bergenline", turned left, then right on Bergenline, and then there was 90th, right there! Amazingly enough, I had found the damn thing! And I was only 20 minutes later than I had planned.

So I went inside after struggling to lock the car and ending up leaving it unlocked because it would be pretty unlikely for someone to choose the DMV parking lot to be boosting cars, and if they did, they sure wouldn't choose Cynthia's crappy old Toyota.

So I went inside to the DMV of Many Lines. Not that they were really long, just that I had to go to like eight or nine different windows and show my birth certificate and NY license every blamed time and stand in lines and wait to be called and everything. It was very Soviet.

First I was given the book to study, which I did for about fifteen minutes or so, skipping the boring bits about how old you have to be to get a license in the state of New Jersey and things that I could not care less about and were unlikely to appear on the test.

Then I had to pay $10 and wait to be called, which was amusing, because every time they had to call me, they had a horrible time pronouncing my name. It got to the point where I would leap to my feet whenever I heard something that started with a "Kihh" sound, because even if it sounded like "Kiiibiizuulluu..." it was probably me. And it was.

They kept looking at my i.d. and writing down the info, but only one guy noticed that my NY license was in fact expired, and he glanced sharply up and said, "You don't have a car in that parking lot, do you?" and I answered promptly, "No I do not!" Because honestly, if you say yes to that question, you're too dumb to drive, even in New Jersey. And I may get lost every time I am more than a block from my house, but you can't catch me with a trick like that.

"Why yes, I drove here, but I thought that it would be okay, because I was coming to get a license! Was I not correct?"

But I finally took the test, and passed with four wrong but they didn't tell me which four, so I clearly am driving around with all kinds of erroneous information in my head, but the NJ DMV don't seem to particularly care about that. Then they took my picture, and it wasn't like in NY where it comes up on a big screen so you can see how butt-ugly it is right from second one, instead it comes as a lovely surprise when they call your name, "Kimma Zinka?"

And let me tell you, the NJ license looks exactly like a fake i.d. The NY one is on special paper, and the CA one has a hologram, but this is a laminated piece of paper, and the picture is cut off on the left hand side, so not only does it look like I made it in my basement, it looks like a reject version.

But I got it! It was real! And I drove home shouting "I am a licensed driver in the state of New Jersey!" And I managed to lock the car door when I got home and even made it to work 2 minutes early.

And the reason that I do everything at the last minute is because it always works.

I haven't been pimping my wish lists this year, I just realized, so just in order to help the people who really want to get me presents, they are here, here and here.

Today's horoscope:
Time to catch up on the family news. Perhaps you can visit, or phone some other family members and hear the latest.

One year ago today:
I thought these women were lunatics. Absolute nutbirds.

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Last Updated Wed 19 December 01:16:09 2001