8 December
I was so depressed after the show last night.
It went well, that wasn't the problem, I was just in this slough of despond, walking around with my most bad mood expression on my face. It only shows up when I am in a black despair, but I'm not certain that it particularly shows as it's fairly neutral, but with a tight jaw and hooded eyes.
Not that I've ever seen it, as when I feel that way, the last thing I want to do is look in a mirror, but that's the way it feels from the inside.
Anyway, I didn't go out with the cast, and I barely talked to Laura afterwards when she told me how good the show went, and I stomped down the street with the above expression on my face, thinking about how unhappy I am, about how lonely I am, about how my life isn't what I hoped it would be, stuff like that, and then I stopped at the supermarket and the cashier gave me this little red plastic handle for the bag so it doesn't cut into your hand, and I said, "Hey, that's a nifty little gadget!" and the mood was gone.
And then I realized that it was the show.
I'm not a goddamn emotional actor, so I don't have the resources to protect myself, nor did I recognize the potential for fallout when you do this to yourself.
I have a deep, black pit of loneliness at my core, but I keep a tight lid on it at all times, which is how I am able to be the generally cheerful person that I am, by willfully ignoring that reality, but for this show, this show that I am performing emotionally rather than technically, I have to take that lid off, I have to be lonely and full of despair.
And you know what? That doesn't turn off with a switch just because I am not in front of an audience.
Hopefully, my awareness of this phenomenon will make it stop happening, so that I can be normal after the show, rather than wanting to crawl into a hole and turn my back on humanity. Maybe I'll even go out with the cast! Nah, probably not.
And I'm still collecting addresses for who wants a Christmas card! If you got one last year, only let me know if your address has changed, because once you are on the list, you cannot ever get off.
Today's
horoscope:
You have high ideals, expectations and goals today. Aim for the best sensibly. Avoid rose-colored glasses and excessive demands.
One year ago today:
Are my cats evolving? O the horror!
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Last Updated Sun 9 December 01:52:09 2001