Conversations while watching the Utah/Dallas basketball game Saturday night:

FRAN
I continually find it amusing how irritated you get by Cynthia's ex-husband.

ME
What do you mean? I didn't find him irritating tonight!

FRAN
When he started talking about women's basketball...?

ME
O, well, he was just being boring and stupid then.

FRAN
And that's not irritating?

ME
I guess it is, I didn't really think about it at the time.

CYNTHIA
Sometimes, it's like he's your ex-husband!

ME
I sort of think of Jon as a lovable, but slightly annoying uncle. We love him, because he is a family member, but sometimes we wish he's keep his trap shut. Are these local commercials? In Dallas?

CYNTHIA
Yeah.

ME
They are slaying me.

CYNTHIA
O, these are nothing, you should see the Salt Lake City local ones when it's the Jazz feed. There's one for the Jazz's outreach programme, and...what is it again, honey?

FRAN
"The Jazz, Not Just Twelve Guys in Shorts".

ME
O, that's great! Of course, they don't wear shorts, most of them, they wear culottes.

CYNTHIA
"The Jazz, Not Just Eleven Guys in Culottes and One Guy In Shorts".

ME
O look, Jack in the Box! I miss Jack in the Box.

CYNTHIA
The place I'd like to eat is Carl's Jr., that looks so good in the west coast commercials.

ME
O, Carl's is great, except for the fries, but they have the best burgers and shakes. I wonder why it never went national? It doesn't seem local. Well, it took Tower long enough to go national, so maybe it will sometime.

CYNTHIA
Tower Records was local in LA?

ME
Yep, for years and years and years, then it came out here when I was in college. Our other two local record chains were The Wherehouse and, possibly the worst store name ever, Licorice Pizza, that my mother always called Licorice Pizzoo, because of the font. She would say, "Let's go to Licorice Pizzoo, and I'd say, "Ma, it's 'Pizza, that's not two o's, that's an a and a swirl!"

(a local promo played about 40 times, and I never wrote down exactly what it said, but it was something about a Dallas player, and how he had made the mistake of his life once and almost quit basketball.)

FRAN
But you have to watch the show to find out what the mistake was. He ordered red wine with fish.

ME
He locked his keys in the car.

FRAN
He saw a door that said push and he just kept pulling, so he turned around and went home.

ME
He put a red sock in the white wash. Hey look, they don't have the antennae or the baguettes to wave around and distract the opposing team like they do in other stadiums, instead they have paper plates! Look, see them wave around the paper plates!

FRAN
Well, they want their chalupas!

(much later)

CYNTHIA
Wait, they really do get chalupas!

ME
They do?

CYNTHIA
Yeah, if they make over a hundred points everyone gets chalupas, but only if they win.

ME
I thought that Fran was just making a funny!

FRAN
Nope, it was another incisive comment by me.

CYNTHIA
Man, their center is even stupider than our centers, and that's saying something.

ME
They must be careful when he goes out in the rain that he doesn't drown like a turkey.

FRAN
When did he get fouled? Did his imaginary friend foul him?

CYNTHIA
Starks fouled him in his heart.

(flipping around the channels after the game is over)

ME
The Return of Count Yorga, I didn't even know he was gone!

FRAN
So that explains why he hasn't been returning my calls! I just attributed it to his absent-mindedness. You know how Count Yorga can get!

CYNTHIA
Real Sex in Latin, now I'll fall asleep even faster!

ME
I think you mean Spanish...

CYNTHIA
Yeah, I was thinking HBO Latino.

ME
Actually, that would be pretty cool, they get up and say "Quo vadis! Quid pro quo! Amo amas amat!"

CYNTHIA
I'd probably stay awake for that.

ME
Eeyew, why does she have her keys hanging from her nipple?

FRAN
She keeps losing them!

What's the worse name for a business that you ever heard?

Today's horoscope:
Your mind is very active and restless, but you expect a lot from yourself. Remember that no one has all the answers.

One year ago today:
CHRIS
O no, there are hours and hours at night when I'm not doing anything but sleeping, it's crazy!

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Last Updated Tues 10 April 10:01:09 2001