Okay, guys, I managed to get a couple of days behind again. Bad habit, I know. It is now Monday that I am writing this, but this is Sunday's entry. And I am going to write it as though I actually wrote it on Sunday.

Usually I would not make such a point of telling you this, except for the fact that I will not be able to write yesterdays and todays entries as well before I leave for work, and I didn't want anyone to panic or be sad. So chins up, my little muffin-heads, I will be current again soon!

And now cast your minds back, back, back I say! All the way back to Sunday the 3rd of September of the year 2000...

Well, here it is, Sunday the 3rd of September of the year 2000!

So far I have not managed to do a single thing that I meant to do this weekend, but I really don't mind. It's funny to have a three-day weekend right after having a nine day holiday, it makes it feel normal to have time off!

Yesterday I found out that Airborne Express had attempted twice to deliver my laptop back from Gateway at last...Wait, did I tell you what happened last week? I don't think I did.

Last week I called Gateway again to find out if they had ever sent my computer to Texas...Wait, did I ever tell you about before, about trying to get them to send my computer to Texas? I don't think I did.

So, a million years ago, I gave my laptop to Gateway and they said that because the main problem was the keyboard, they couldn't fix externals at the store, so they would have to send my computer to Texas. Fine, I said, send it to Texas. A week later I got a call from them asking permission to send my computer to Texas. "Yes! Yes," I called back, "Send it to Texas!" A week later I got another call. "We never heard from you, and are wondering, may we send your computer to Texas?" I called back, "Please send it to Texas, I am begging you! And call me to let me know that you got this message!"

They never called. Every so often I would call, wondering if they ever checked their messages, wondering if my laptop was in fact in Texas, or sitting around in New Jersey getting fat.

Last week I finally had enough and called again, demanding to speak to a person, preferably not a completely stupid one. The Not Completely Stupid guy said that yes, it had in fact been sent to Texas, ages ago, and would be sent back to me soon. And by the way, they had removed my DVD card and I would have to come back to Paramus to get it. When they were planning on telling me this, I don't know, but I was glad that he had mentioned it at the time. Cynthia offered to drive me there to get it on Saturday.

That night, when I got home from work, there was a letter from Gateway stating that I had abandoned my computer with them and that if they didn't hear from me within thirty days of the date on the letter (which was actually dated twenty days before the letter was sent, which was the day before) they would sell it or jump up and down on it or turn it out into the street to eat from dumpsters and give hummers near the tunnel entrance for $10 a pop or something.

I was perturbed. But it was too late to call that night. The next day, before I could call, I got a call from Gateway, (not from Paramus, but from Kansas or something), asking permission to charge my credit card for the repairs. I called the woman back and sniveled at her about unreturned phone calls and abandonment, and she said that clearly they were all insane in Paramus, that the computer had in fact been sent and repaired and was about to be sent back--I'd get it Thursday or Friday!

So yesterday (see how it's all come back to the start), I realized that Airborne had tried to deliver it twice, but had neglected to ring the doorbell or anything, because people had been home both times. I called them up and they said that they could redeliver it Tuesday, or I could come myself to pick it up in Elizabeth before 8p.

Now, Cynthia was cleaning the house like a madwoman, because the next day, Fran's oldest childhood friend and his fiancee were coming over, and though she knew that the friend would neither notice nor care if the house were a smoking ruin, she wanted to make a good impression on the fiancee, which meant that she was uninterested in driving me twenty minutes there and back to Elizabeth and thirty minutes in the other direction there and back to Paramus.

I suggested that I borrow the car and drive myself, and Cynthia said that that would be fine, except that she needed the car for church the next morning. This was a comment on the fact that I constantly get lost every time I'm out in the car, but I got directions from Mapquest and they seemed reasonable, so she decided that I should go there, come back, and then she would drive me to Paramus.

So, I started off, wasting only fifteen minutes or so by missing the entrance to the Turnpike and then foolishly assuming that there would be another entrance somewhere along the way before having to turn back and start over, but that wasn't so bad.

It was pouring down rain, but I was driving on Hyper-Alert Mode. I wasn't gonna get lost! Not me! Not this time! And I didn't! You know, not until I got off the Turnpike onto the evil US 1 & 9, the road that I'm usually on when I accidentally drive to Jersey City instead of home.

This time, though, I got on it and I drove and drove, trying to find the left turn that I was supposed to make. After about ten miles, and a sign saying "Welcome to Rahway!" I figured I had missed it, but it took another ten miles before I could turn around! US 1 & 9 is the worst road in all the land. It had this stone wall down the middle of the road and you just basically can never turn left. Never never never. It is the road to hell.

The great thing about driving rather than taking public transportation is that you can just scream and yell in the car all you like, and nobody notices. As long as the windows are up. In fact, I made up a little song as I drove forever along US 1 & 9. Sing it with me, won't you?

O HOW I HATE NEW JERSEY!
DRIVING IN NEW JERSEY SUCKS ASS
THE PEOPLE WHO PLANNED THESE ROAD SHOULD BE SHOT
WHY CAN I NOT TURN LEFT?
US 1 & 9 IS THE ROAD TO HELL!

Catchy, ain't?

Honestly, though, it's the worst thing. In Los Angeles, where we have well-planned roadways, you can either drive on the freeways or on surface streets, but in New Jersey there are no surface streets! It's all surface highways, with these half-breed things all in the middle of everything. It's not a highway, because there are stoplights, and it's not a street because you can't turn around. Or turn left! It's just appalling.

Anyway, I finally found a place where I could turn right to turn left (whatever), and went back the other direction for miles and mils. I finally found the street that I was supposed to turn on, only to discover that it wasn't my mistake! That that road wasn't accessible from US 1 & 9 in the other direction! Bad old Mapquest.

After that I found Airborne easily, got my laptop, and went home, only missing the Turnpike entrance and having to take some strange bird known as the Pulaski Skyway home, which is a pretty fancy name for a bridge, but had no tolls, so that was cool by me.

When I got home, over two hours after I had left, Fran asked me if I had gone by way of Canada, and if I had brought him any maple syrup. I beat him to death with my laptop.

Do you have a good sense of direction?

And we're still talking about vocal tics, looking on disasters as blessings, To Do lists, feeling a great sense of accomplishment, bad movies we love, too much vacation, strange little rituals, making ourselves look younger or older, hypochondriacs, favourite musicals, and the worst remake ever.

Today's horoscope:
Have you hugged your kids today? Demonstrating your affection physically is a good idea. Get a little TLC yourself too.

One year ago today:
"It was not pithy! It's Grover!"

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Last Updated Tues 5 September 10:19:09 2000